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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie about death of puppy

316 replies

Snowdropfairy85 · 04/03/2020 13:36

We are weeks away from welcoming our new puppy into our home and the breeder has just phoned to say she’s passed away. I’m absolutely gutted. We had visited the puppy several times and named her. She was just 7 weeks old. Breeder comes highly recommended, I fully checked them out. My kids are 5 & 6 and I just don’t know what to say to them. When DD’s hamster died we told her the truth and she was absolutely devastated, I’m not sure I can face telling her the puppy has died. I can’t think of a good reason to tell them as to why we aren’t bringing her home now though.

OP posts:
Robuns · 04/03/2020 14:29

As they're only 5 and 6 I would tell a white lie. If they were older I would agree it can be a good way to learn and explore feelings of grief, but not that young unless you have to in my opinion. Sorry to hear about the puppy.

Derbee · 04/03/2020 14:30

This is so awful. I am generally against lying to children, and totally believe in letting them have access to the truth in an age appropriate way.

However, there have to be some exceptions, and this is certainly one. I would say the puppy isn’t very well, and has to stay with his mum, so you are getting a new puppy.

Even if they learn the truth when they’re older, they’ll know why you didn’t tell them the truth. Children learn about death etc. But it doesn’t need to be in such a harsh way, when they haven’t even had the benefit of the puppy living with them.

ChickLitLover · 04/03/2020 14:30

It is a good chance for you to model good emotional regulation to them... It's sad but not TOO overwheming

🙄

raspberryk · 04/03/2020 14:31

This situation is highly irregular and I would suggest the breeder is not as reputable as you have been led to believe.

Puppies don't normally die at this stage. So if it did, I would have concerns about the health of the animals they are breeding.
OR
They have taken deposits from too many people in case people drop out, no one dropped out so they have spun a tale to get you to buy from the new litter.
A pup being available in the new litter for a popular breeder is unusual as they are likely have a waiting list.

I wouldn't get a puppy from them!

EmpressSuiko · 04/03/2020 14:32

I wouldn’t lie but I wouldn’t tell the truth. I agree with a previous poster who suggested keeping things as vague as possible.

You could tell them another litter is on the way and you all get to go and meet them all before anyone else and just comfort them as best you can from the disappointment, children can be incredibly resilient.

I’d also inform the breeder that you aren’t going into detail so they know not to mention anything in future regarding the puppy around your children.

I’m very sorry for both you and the puppy.

ChristmasFlint · 04/03/2020 14:33

@IamtheDevilsAvocado I think it's unlikely that small children will be at a 1/2 over a dead puppy...I think the crying very well could carry on for days. What would you tell the kids then? Their emotional response is inappropriate? Kids don't cue off of adults all the time. They have their own feelings. No way I'd tell a sensitive kid this puppy died. It's setting everyone up for misery that can be avoided. Kids do need to learn about death but that usually comes from losing a beloved pet or family member not a puppy.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/03/2020 14:35

My first reaction was its better not to lie but as many have already said it might be kinder and more sensible to just tell them that you need to find another puppy and it is kinder to let it stay with its mum for treatment etc
It would be a different situation if the puppy had already made a home with you

Mulledwineinajug · 04/03/2020 14:36

I’m shocked at the number of people who would lie. Those saying that the children will thank you when they’re older... my parents told me a pet had run away when it died and I don’t thank them, I think they should have told me the truth. It’s more important than anything else that your children can trust you.

Deadringer · 04/03/2020 14:37

I would normally advise telling the truth, but there is nothing to be gained by it here, your DC are very young. I agree with pp, say the breeder can no longer sell you the puppy, and look for another one

LolaDarkdestroyer · 04/03/2020 14:39

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Derbee · 04/03/2020 14:39

my parents told me a pet had run away when it died and I don’t thank them, I think they should have told me the truth

It’s a totally different situation. If the puppy had come home, and died, the OP would obviously need to be honest, and deal with the emotional heartache. But the puppy isn’t a pet yet. They’ve seen it, but it’s still an abstract concept in many ways.

ChickLitLover · 04/03/2020 14:40

I think it's unlikely that small children will be at a 1/2 over a dead puppy...I think the crying very well could carry on for days.

I agree. My children would have been heartbroken.
But the poster also said

So how much upset is OK? If we think of grief on a 1-10 scale... Loss is loss BUT different levels of HOW upset it is OK to be...

I don’t generally tell my children ‘how upset they’re allowed to be’. No wonder so many kids are fucked up as adults. Awful.

Fuss · 04/03/2020 14:40

This exact thing happened to us a few years ago. Breeder called 2 days before pick up to say pup had died.

Like you I chose a reputable, KC reg breeder with a waiting list, paid a hefty deposit etc. I always had a funny feeling about it. I don't know why she had reason to lie but I regularly checked his KC name to see if it ever appeared (it didn't). I just had a funny feeling about it all. Be interested to know if this was a terrier breed. Do DM me if it was....

Anyway, my kids were older so I told them the truth straight away. We ended up with another pup from the other end of the country and I wouldn't have swapped him for the world.
DH did say at the time though, be glad it died with the breeder because could you imagine getting up one morning to find a dead puppy.

Canshopwillshop · 04/03/2020 14:40

I would definitely not tell them. Obviously if you already had the puppy then of course you would have to tell the truth but I don’t see why you would have to cause so much upset in this situation. They are unlikely to ever find out but even if they did, they won’t lose trust in you and are more than likely to understand why you protected them. There is enough time to experience and understand all the misery life can throw at them but I think you can spare them on this occasion.

I think you need to think carefully before going back to same breeder and get some answers as to what exactly happened to the poor pup.

FurrySlipperBoots · 04/03/2020 14:41

The trouble with lying is if you go to the breeder again and you've said the puppy is staying with her your DD will be looking to see her/ask the breeder about her when you go. What then? I am concerned about this breeder though. Is she having a PM done? Either the puppy did die, in which case, that would indicate some sort of health issue, possibly a congenital heart defect, or it's all a lie to cover her having sold it elsewhere.

alliwantisabitofpeace · 04/03/2020 14:42

My DD has anxiety (nearly 9 now) and i wouldn't tell her at that age either.. i think tell her that that puppy wants to stay with its mummy but you can choose another when the next litter is born.

When she was 6 I didn't tell her our gecko died not long after we got him but brought another home to ease the blow of them keeping him at the pet shop as he was poorly!

On another note i got her a cat last year and its helped her anxiety soo much.

Polkagirls · 04/03/2020 14:43

All children have their fair share of knocks - some more than others unfortunately. Why expose them to an upset that may actually not be based on reality?
They will probably face enough in their life that will enable them to learn how to regulate their emotions! Although I am not sure there’s any research to state exposure to difficult life events help promote this!

Sarah510 · 04/03/2020 14:44

I would lie... find another puppy, or get a recommendation from this breeder maybe, or even better - go to the pound, they have gorgeous dogs begging for a home. I don't see the point in telling them the puppy died if they are already anxious.

Wolfiefan · 04/03/2020 14:46

Another litter due next month? FFS. Breeding back to back litters. This is a puppy farm or at best a commercial breeder. Walk away.
Do your research. If you want a pedigree then go through the breed club. You may well have to wait.

TheLoveOfMoney · 04/03/2020 14:48

I'd save your young children this pain, zero benefit from telling the truth. I'd say that the puppy has to stay with mum, I'm guessing all other puppies are unavailable? Did the children join the visits?

All these posters declaring tell the truth and kids know you're lying etc I'm guessing don't do Santa? Or tooth fairy or Easter bunny? We can't protect our kids from everything but if we can save them real pain that really doesn't have serious implications then do it.

AlissKezamMoivit · 04/03/2020 14:50

I am really sorry for your loss but I agree with PP don't lie to your kids. Also don't just immediately sign up for a different puppy - this puppy was visited, chosen, named and loved. I think the kids will find it more confusing and distressing to be expected to instantly bond with a different puppy. They will need to grieve, and let you know when they are ready to find a new puppy to love.

Beau20 · 04/03/2020 14:51

My rabbit was killed by our cat when I was about 5/6 years old. My mum told me he had escaped and run away. I was none the wiser until she told me the truth at 25! Safe to say', I'm not scarred at all and she probably did the right thing.

Tell a lie. Say the puppy wants to stay with it's mum or similar but it's okay - you'll find another one. Honestly your kids won't bat at eyelid about it when they find out the truth when they are older.

NoSauce · 04/03/2020 14:52

I would say that the puppy has been a little poorly and is going to stay with its mum and litter mates, don’t make a fuss about and don’t let her see you’re upset.

womenspeakout · 04/03/2020 14:52

I wouldn't tell the truth on this one.

The hurt will be big enough that the puppy won't be coming home, but you could just say the breeder has decided to keep her on with her.

There's no need to force the death of a puppy on them, it's another thing when you've lived a life with the dog and it's all part of it, but it will be hard for a child to understand why such a small puppy has died, and this was meant to be a joy, getting a puppy.

I'd say the breeder kept her on and in the right time, the right puppy will present itself to you, and hopefully you can have that joy.

There's no need to force grief onto a young child when they haven't even got the joy out of the life that was taken from them yet,

No.

Beau20 · 04/03/2020 14:53

All these posters declaring tell the truth and kids know you're lying etc I'm guessing don't do Santa? Or tooth fairy or Easter bunny? We can't protect our kids from everything but if we can save them real pain that really doesn't have serious implications then do it

Agreed. It's not worth the hassle, god knows what the young children might get into their head about the death of a puppy. If they don't need to know, why tell them?