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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being blamed for something I haven’t done

157 replies

BlameSlame · 04/03/2020 09:47

Something happened between me and my boyfriend last year. I won’t say exactly what if was because it’s quite a specific thing. But say it was something like I was accused of doing something behind his back, he thought it was me sending messages to him from anonymous account on Facebook. We split up for a bit because of this even though I’d always told him it wasn’t me. I kind of understood why he thought it was me because of who was actually doing it and also couldn’t prove it wasn’t me because how do you prove a negative event?

Anyway he found out for sure it wasn’t me. Knows it definitely wasn’t me and we were trying again. But now he’s said he can’t get past it and ended things with me again yesterday because he said even though he knows it wasn’t me, that every time he looks at me, it still crosses his mind that it could have been me.

AIBU to think those two things are impossible to believe at the same time? And that it’s massively unfair that I’m potentially losing someone I really like because of something I haven’t done.

How can I fix this? He already knows it wasn’t me so I have nothing to prove.

OP posts:
Hopel · 04/03/2020 17:01

Sounds like he’s saying he is being reminded that he didn’t trust you, and still doesn’t trust you. He’s being unreasonable, and you are unreasonable to waste your time on him.

MitziK · 04/03/2020 17:07

That means he wants it to be you.

The only appropriate response to such a fucking imbecile is to laugh and tell them to fuck off, then.

TiddlestheCat · 04/03/2020 17:10

Christ almighty, why would you want to be with such a dim wit. He should be the one grovelling to you. You should have told him that everyone you look at him, you wonder why you should be with someone who accused you of lying. Honestly, get mad and move on.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 17:10

I don't think he is abusive from what you have written. If anything he has good boundaries.

He believes you are the type of person who would do what was actually your friend. Only hard evidence made him realise that this time it was not you.

After you got back together he realised that he still believes you are that kind of person. I mean, look at the kind of friends you have! He realised it was never going to work so he dropped you.

Move on. From him. From dickhead "friends".

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 17:30

That's a really good point Hopel, that he's being reminded...

How about this. He made an error of judgement in believing it was you. He recognises that he got this wrong and maybe even feels bad about it BUT he HATES being wrong and, even more that, he REALLY HATES admitting that he was wrong. Doing so makes him feel small, squirmy, exposed and like his balls are shrivelling up in public.

You are a constant reminder of his feeling of humiliation. You are his humiliation. So, he either banishes you from his life, so he never has to face that feeling again, or he has to locate the problem with you.

Even though he knows he can't really deflect the blame onto you, he can project his feelings of guilt onto you. You could have done it, because you're the kind of person who might do that, so you might as well have done.

So it wasn't his mistake, or a mistake at all. So he has nothing to feel bad about and can carry on his life as the tip-top, upstanding, outstanding, decisive, incisive, sharp, witty, grade-A, alpha-male superstar he believes himself to be.

The deal is, that if you want to stay in his life, you have to accept this story too. He's right, you're inherently wrong (and will be wrong again, whenever else he cocks something up, including his behaviour towards you).

Theworldisfullofgs · 04/03/2020 17:35

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't believe you?

sonjadog · 04/03/2020 17:43

Maybe he likes being the position of being wronged and with you desperate to make up and he wants to find reasons to keep you begging for his forgiveness? If you really like him and this is a momentarily glitch into dickheadness (which honestly I doubt), the best thing you can do is wish him well and walk away. If he thinks he is losing you, he might get his act together.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 04/03/2020 18:04

Because he’s using this thing you did not do to punish you.
Look, you seem to be making excuses for his behaviour, you’re not taking any notice of any of the advice (dump the twat) so put up with him.
He’s a knob, you know it, you asked for mumsnet advice, EVERYONE says get rid, yet you're not being obtuse by asking what cunty mccuntface has done wrong.

To be honest, I don’t care if he knocks twenty shades of shit out of you for not doing the thing you didn’t do. I really don’t, but don’t waste my time and everyone else’s by telling us your problems, then telling us we are wrong when we tell you to get rid.
Stick with him, let him carry on telling you just how lucky you are to have him, how no one else would want you. I really don’t care.

I’m laying £10000 that he starts telling you, you’re fat and ugly, that no one else would want you, that you’re lucky to have him, that the girl from work he spends every day and lots of evenings with us just a friend and. That his car broke down so he’s staying at someone’s house but his phone has just di...

Lycanthropology · 04/03/2020 18:21

Harsh but fair, PeterPan, harsh but fair.

ThePants999 · 04/03/2020 18:24

Mumsnet is the absolute WORST with something like this, OP. So much utter garbage being spewed in this thread from people who are vastly overestimating their understanding of your relationship and your boyfriend. Take the advice here with a barrel of salt.

Franticbutterfly · 04/03/2020 18:28

He’s a twat. Don’t bother.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 18:28

It's not OP's choice whether to fix it.

He has dumped her. He is not into her.

He is not trying to get back with her.

They tried again briefly and chastely. He soon decided he didn't want to continue. Fine. He is allowed to end the relationship.

OP wanting to fix it so she get what she wants is not his problem unless she starts messaging him or stalking him.

diddl · 04/03/2020 18:29

"Take the advice here with a barrel of salt."

Leaving aside that he's saying that he still can't get over something even though he knows that Op wasn't responsible, putting it back to basics-he's finished with Op.

There's nothing to do.

PicsInRed · 04/03/2020 18:29

He probably sent the messages to himself.

lyralalala · 04/03/2020 18:35

He's being honest with you. Walk away, this can't be fixed.

I suspected my ex of doing something awful. When I realised it wasn't him I still ended the relationship anyway because I felt he was capable of that. I didn't trust him.

I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone I didn't trust, and he didn't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust him.

Sometimes it just doesn't work out and isn't fixable. Move on

TheyDoDoThat · 04/03/2020 19:45

Is there a teacher at your school you trust you could talk to.

OhCaptain · 04/03/2020 19:47

There’s nothing for you to “fix” though. M
You can’t fix how he feels, you have no control over that!

BlameSlame · 04/03/2020 19:52

Hopefully attached a picture of the message he sent me last night for the people that don’t believe me that he’s not using this to blame me.

I’m not ignoring the advice, I’d read every reply and have taken it on board but I’m also not just blindly listening to it all because a lot of people have assumed he’s being abusive, controlling or whatever else. He isn’t and hasn’t ever been like that with me or else I wouldn’t be here asking for advice, I wouldn’t be considering doing anything to fix things if he was like that.

Being blamed for something I haven’t done
OP posts:
OhCaptain · 04/03/2020 19:54

He could not have made it any clearer. You can’t fix him not wanting to be with you.

You have to respect his decision and his feelings. You don’t have to be happy about it, but you do have to accept it.

Eckhart · 04/03/2020 19:56

If he's telling you he has shit going on in his head and your relationship won't work, listen to him. Why on earth would you (want to) do otherwise?

BrendasUmbrella · 04/03/2020 20:06

OK, well great. He has told you that, so believe it. Don't contact him again, delete his details if you need to. Give yourself x amount of time to mourn the end of the relationship, go to the gym, read a lot, sleep a lot, eat a lot, whatever you do to comfort yourself, and then look on the bright side, that you are no longer with someone who admits they have a lot of issues.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 20:12

That's the "it's not you, it's me" message.

It is the kind of message you send when it is definitely 100% over.

Leave him alone. Move on. Block and delete. It is done.

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2020 20:47

He’s given up, reading that message and he’s an idiot for still banging on about it. He knows it wasn’t you but is still going on as if it were. That’s stupid. I couldn’t be bothered fighting, he isn’t worth it.

Figgygal · 04/03/2020 20:49

He’s an idiot move on op

sonjadog · 04/03/2020 20:50

Ah, that message does make it clearer. He isn't interested in you any more. There is no fixing to be done. You just have to accept it and move on.

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