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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being blamed for something I haven’t done

157 replies

BlameSlame · 04/03/2020 09:47

Something happened between me and my boyfriend last year. I won’t say exactly what if was because it’s quite a specific thing. But say it was something like I was accused of doing something behind his back, he thought it was me sending messages to him from anonymous account on Facebook. We split up for a bit because of this even though I’d always told him it wasn’t me. I kind of understood why he thought it was me because of who was actually doing it and also couldn’t prove it wasn’t me because how do you prove a negative event?

Anyway he found out for sure it wasn’t me. Knows it definitely wasn’t me and we were trying again. But now he’s said he can’t get past it and ended things with me again yesterday because he said even though he knows it wasn’t me, that every time he looks at me, it still crosses his mind that it could have been me.

AIBU to think those two things are impossible to believe at the same time? And that it’s massively unfair that I’m potentially losing someone I really like because of something I haven’t done.

How can I fix this? He already knows it wasn’t me so I have nothing to prove.

OP posts:
Youhedge · 04/03/2020 13:37

he obviously needs time to heal he could do that without finishing it.

It's an excuse

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 04/03/2020 13:41

Oh OP - I can see you are upset, but I promise you in a couple of years time you'll look back on this and be so very glad you aren't with him.

He's telling you he's incapable of backing down once he's been proved wrong. If you build a life with a man who's so emotionally stunted and unstable they can't cope with changing their mind when they have new facts, it would be hideous - you'd be walking on eggshells, in fear of him getting the wrong end of the stick about anything else.

Original poster
BlameSlame · 04/03/2020 14:06

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I know I shouldn’t want to work things out with him after he thought I was capable of doing that. But i do and to me he’s worth it even if it doesn’t seem like here.

FWIW he hasn’t used it to punish me or make me feel guilty about anything. We were trying and it hadn’t been brought up at all until last night, I thought we were moving past it.

And yes I know who really did it, it was a friend of mine which is why I suppose I feel like I need to make it up to him in a way because it was someone I knew who did this to him. So I feel a bit responsible in an odd kind of way.

I get that he’d need time to get over it and we were taking things slowly - hadn’t slept together again yet so I know he wasn’t just using me for that either. He’s not a as person, everything before this was really good between us which was why I wanted to try again with him. I’m just so upset that it’s still me that’s going to lose out again over something I had no involvement in.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/03/2020 14:10

" I’m just so upset that it’s still me that’s going to lose out again over something I had no involvement in."

You're not losing out-he's someone who will twist things to be your fault even when they're not.

Why are you so desperate to be with someone like that?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 14:13

Look at is a lucky early warning system. You could have wasted a lot more time on someone who doesn't value you.

Batqueen · 04/03/2020 14:15

Go and work on your self esteem until you can see you deserve better than this

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/03/2020 14:32

You did nothing wrong, but he still gets to act like you did? How can this ever be right?

You say you feel responsible (in an odd kind of way), but you aren't. You have no control over another person's actions. You aren't responsible for your boyfriend's feelings. You can't control whether he wants to see you or not.

Accept his decision with dignity and move on with your life. He may have a change of heart later, and then you can decide for yourself if you want to try again. But for now, he doesn't; that's his choice.

TorkTorkBam · 04/03/2020 14:40

It was not good before. He believes you are the type of person who would do what was done. Only hard evidence made him realise that this time it was not you. He still thinks you are that kind of person though, he has realised this himself now so has dumped you.

He thinks you are of bad character. Whether you are or are not is irrelevant. It is over.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 04/03/2020 14:47

to me he’s worth it even if it doesn’t seem like here

And he knows you think he’s the dogs bollox and he’s even persuaded you that you should be grateful for his meagre affections.

Have some bloody self esteem! He is so NOT worth it! He’s an arsehole. Or don’t ask for help if you’re happy playing the poor little mouse.

Sorry op, but I’m bloody annoyed that you think this wanker is “worth it” he’s an abuser, you’re a victim, carry on or not, but please don’t excuse him.

Original poster
BlameSlame · 04/03/2020 15:00

@PeterPanGoesWrong can you tell me how he’s been an abuser? I’m not being deliberately obtuse I just can’t see it that way for myself. I see it like he’s thought he could get over and has realised he can’t. And whilst I can’t understand why he can’t since he knows it wasn’t me, he’s not been abusive about it, just told me that he can’t get past it.

I didn’t post to ask if I should give him another chance or not, I posted to ask how I could fix it because that is what I wanted.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 04/03/2020 15:02

I’m just so upset that it’s still me that’s going to lose out again over something I had no involvement in.

And he's doing that to you. Some prize.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2020 15:13

He's using this a stick to beat you with OP.
You did NOTHING wrong.
He blamed you anyway and would not listen when you told him it wasn't you. So he is calling you a liar.
And he still can't admit to being wrong even when he has proof that it wasn't you.
He is undermining your self-worth and your self-esteem.
Is it telling you, in a round about way, that you are not a nice person.
That he can't trust you. Even when he has clear evidence that he can and that it wasn't you.
It's a horrible person that can't accept when they are wrong and move on.

Ring any bells???
Mr. Sensitive - seems like your knight in shining armor - warm, sensitive and willing to hug at a moment's notice. Unfortunately, if you ever say something to hurt his feelings, you'll never hear the end of it, wanting you to apologize over, and over and again. Soon, it seems if as if you're saying the wrong thing all the time, making him feel bad. However, if he says something to hurt your feelings, he says, "it's no big deal. get over it". Soon, he'll blame you for everything wrong in his life and out of sight of others, becomes mean or intimidating. In fact, he finds joy in trying to get inside your head and wants you to feel joy that he's not like all those other men who are abusive.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/03/2020 15:22

You can't fix it OP. You can't fix it because his feelings are his feelings and you can't fix them. He doesn't want to be with you, it doesn't matter what the reason is, he just doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore.

Move on.Flowers

diddl · 04/03/2020 15:32

" it doesn't matter what the reason is, he just doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore."

Exactly.

He has ended things & you have to accept that.

BigFatLiar · 04/03/2020 15:38

He's not abusive. It's just that whoever did this has done a good number on both of you. He knows it wasn't you but it's still in his head. Doesn't matter that it's not real it's just there. Real or not the suspicion destroys so easily. It can get better but may take time.

TheMustressMhor · 04/03/2020 15:39

He can't get past what, exactly?

The fact that you didn't do anything wrong?

What?

I do not understand, OP. How can you be excusing this attitude of his?

You have done nothing wrong at all.

I agree with PP that this man is an abuser, as he is letting you suffer needlessly. Maybe you enjoy this? You should be angry with him!

Lycanthropology · 04/03/2020 15:49

He’s beating you up about something you never even did?!

He IS an abusive arsehole.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 04/03/2020 15:52

Since he found out for sure it wasn't you, you've been bending over backwards to try and make things better and accommodate him, you've given him space to heal, and even now you're asking for a way to fix things.

The thing is, you've done nothing wrong. He was the one who accused you, refused to believe you, and even now is trying to make the end of the relationship your fault.
Can I ask, as he was actually the one who wronged you by not trusting you and accusing you, what he has done to make things up to you? Or has he done the bare minimum, and just left you feeling like shit and guilty for what someone else did to him? He should be the one trying to fix things, telling you how sorry he is, asking you to forgive him.

He may not be abusive, but these actions are practically from the abuser's handbook. Especially in the early stages - they're not going to jump straight in to physical abuse, or threatening behaviour, so instead they chip away at you until they have you apologising for things you haven't done, or trying to make up for things they've done to you. And of course the rest of the time he's the perfect partner - he dotes on you, makes you feel special?

At the very least, the dynamics in this relationship are all wrong.

Listen, if he does come back and you take him back, at least keep your eyes open. Have a read of the relationships board here. Have a think back over your relationship so far - I bet there are red flags you've overlooked, just small ones. Is he jealous, critical, does he like things just so? Do you often feel you have to tread on eggshells? Does he go into a mood and leave you trying to work out what you've done wrong? Keep your eye out for future ones. And know your own self worth - don't allow yourself to be made to feel like you need to make up for things you haven't even done.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 04/03/2020 16:17

Normal behaviour when you find out you falsely accused someone is to feel bad and try to make it up to them.

It seems like he's both unable to get rid of his anger when he realises he's in the wrong, but more importantly, he's blaming you for the fact he feels bad that he falsely accused you. He's in the wrong here, but he's unable to face that, so is hanging on to the idea it's you in the wrong rather than have to do some self reflection about that he was wrong.

That's a huge problem in someone's personality. Inability to admit you made a mistake and try to blame an innocent person rather than face your own failings is pretty shitty.

You are hurting now, but at some point you're going to realise how lucky you are you aren't stuck with him. Nothing would ever be his fault. It would always be twisted to somehow be you in the wrong.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 16:39

He was infatuated with the person he thought you were. You were infatuated with the person you thought he was.

He's decided you're not who he thought you were. You've found out that he isn't who you thought he was.

You break up. The end.

SixyearoldSicknote · 04/03/2020 16:40

You can’t reason with stupid.

Find someone better because you deserve better x

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 16:42

You can't 'fix it' because you can't 'fix' other people's thoughts, or direct their actions. (The world would be a pretty sinister place if you could).

lottiegarbanzo · 04/03/2020 16:44

Or to put it another way, he's just not that into you. Move on.

MintyMabel · 04/03/2020 16:48

He’s making excuses. Wants to leave but wants to make you the bad guy. It has nothing to do with the thing.

Move on.

AnneKipanki · 04/03/2020 16:58

You cannot fix it . Move on.