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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you find it rude if

159 replies

Singlebutmarried · 04/03/2020 07:30

Your child received a party invite saying if you would like to give a gift x is saving for a large present so a contribution towards large present would be appreciated.

I’m looking at putting this in DDs invites later this year and wondering about the wording.

I wouldn’t mind personally being asked for cash towards something.

OP posts:
Whichoneofyoudidthat · 04/03/2020 12:25

how old is the child? My oldest is 14 and I never buy presents for her friends, I just give her the money. she asks what they want and buys it. I assume other parents do the same? I've probably been doing that for a couple of years now.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 04/03/2020 12:27

If you sent a message like Bluntness suggested above, I would happily contribute though. It's not grabby at all. Though I'd probably do a mad text-around and ask what everyone else was contributing!

Antihop · 04/03/2020 12:31

I think it's a great idea. Less plastic tat. I'd specify £5 so parents don't feel under pressure.

Salamander91 · 04/03/2020 12:46

I wouldn't mind. Much easier to stick a fiver in a card than find a present.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/03/2020 12:50

Very tacky, seriously. Have a cheaper party and buy the gift yourself.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 13:10

Yeah I think this one is in how you ask. If it’s just she’s saving up for something but i won’t tell you what, and can we have money, then I’d think you were being grabby,

If you explained she was saving for a switch and only had eighty quid, I’d happily contribute. Because she is a long way off getting it with only eighty quid. I’d wonder if you were contributing though and if she was given the option of having the money instead of the party.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 04/03/2020 13:14

Its rude unless you are giving the option. I hate requests for cash. Its different if you choose to give cash un asked

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2020 13:18

Not at all rude. I much prefer this. It's absolutely the norm in our school. Contribute to group if you want, don't if you don't.

InFiveMins · 04/03/2020 13:32

I would find it rude, sorry OP. Surely some kids will come with cash anyway?

Original poster
Singlebutmarried · 04/03/2020 13:45

@Thisismytimetoshine it’s not a case of not being able to afford to buy a switch or have a party. We could do both. However, she wants to save and is actively earning money to go towards it.

Maybe if I said a gift card for xx shop instead of cash?

OP posts:
PureAlchemy · 04/03/2020 14:39

I’d be fine with this request, better than giving a random present that the birthday child may or may not like.
I wouldn’t change it to asking for a gift card for xx shop, people who think asking for money is grabby etc are likely to feel the same way about requests for gift cards.

I’d probably add in wording to include something like “no present necessary” and suggest a maximum of £5 so that parents don’t feel pressured.

Scbchl · 04/03/2020 14:42

It wouldnt bother me at all. I find it easier to give cash.

Franticbutterfly · 04/03/2020 15:11

I always stick a tenner in the card, I think parents prefer it.

ScarlettBlaize · 04/03/2020 15:20

I think it's rude. My kids really enjoy choosing presents for their friends, and love receiving them- it's mostly not 'plastic tat' but often things they really enjoy,and that we'd never have known existed.

PawPatrolMakesMeDrink · 04/03/2020 15:23

I think it’s incredibly rude.

luckylavender · 04/03/2020 15:23

Rude

LuckyLickitung · 04/03/2020 15:44

Unless I know a child very well, I just put £10 in anyway. It will go to something the child wants or part of something bigger. I'm not filling charity shops or landfill with something random and unwanted. Win. Win. Win.

A couple of years ago in yR, DS really wanted a big party. By a quirk of the distribution of birthdays and friendship groups despite being over halfway through the school year, it was the first big party of the year. All 30 children in the class came bearing gifts. Added to that, it co-incided with Toys R Us' closing sale so lots of bargains were snapped up. £30 toys for £10 sort of thing. It was fantastic, but I have not seen the playroom floor since then as the volume of stuff was crazy.
My other DS has a birthday just before Christmas and it does always make me nervous about how much stuff is about to enter the house days before the Christmas presents get added to the mix.

Unless you really know what a child likes, money is a safe, appreciated, environmental option.

MightyMile · 04/03/2020 15:47

I really don't understand why it's rude! If you wanted to be really careful you could say "nothing or a fiver" or "maximum a fiver".

TeethingAgain · 04/03/2020 15:50

It makes me bristle. I wouldn't like it, just let people choose a gift themselves if they want to. It kind of pushes people into giving cash and there's no way of hiding the amount you are giving, whereas with a gift you could get one in the sale etc. It's also grabby.

Spied · 04/03/2020 15:55

Definitely don't ask for gift card. Some will be £10 at the very least and some families may not be planning on spending that much.
I think it's rude asking for money at all.

fivesecondrule · 04/03/2020 15:55

Personally I've always wished a 'contribution' to a larger gift was the norm so I'd definitely not think it was unreasonable. We have occasionally chipped in for some of my elder DDs friends gift... one girl was desperate for new trainers her mum couldn't afford and another was away for her birthday so we got her currency. It was a lot easier than buying individual gifts but the group have been very close for years and all the parents know each other.

notacooldad · 04/03/2020 15:56

I would have been extremely pleased if parents had done this when my kids were younger!
Surely it makes sense to club together and the child can have something decent rather than loads of small bits cluttering the house up.
No one is going to a party empty handed for a childs party so you may as well give cash and let them choose!!
I hope this trend catches on to be honest.

Thisismytimetoshine · 04/03/2020 15:57

it’s not a case of not being able to afford to buy a switch or have a party
So buy it then, and have some dignity Confused. Don’t crowdfund it from your child’s friends.

MintyMabel · 04/03/2020 16:21

Don’t crowdfund it from your child’s friends.

Children saving birthday money to pay for stuff isn’t a new thing. It’s been around long before crowdfunding was a thing.

I’d specify £5

Why specify anything. Surely any amount is gratefully received.

@SciFiScream no, I tend not to do cards. They are a complete waste of resource. Nobody in my family is much on cards either. I haven’t sent Christmas cards for a decade.

DD loves to draw so she tends to make birthday cards for friends and her close relatives.

I find it hideously wasteful that you’d happily pay for a gift that goes straight in the bin. Recycling doesn’t make it ok, it still required to be made, packaged, transported.

gamerwidow · 04/03/2020 16:21

I think op if it’s a small party and you know the parent’s well you’re the best judge of how this request will be received. You won’t get a consensus here. You know your circle of friends best.