Teacher didn’t let my DD go to the toilet

[starlight86]

My DD is in primary 1 and just turned 5.

She asked to go to the toilet close to home time and was told no. She subsequently wet herself and was too scared to tell the teacher (not her usual teacher and apparently this music teacher is scary) she came out in tears and soaking wet.

Her papa was the one picking her up so called me later as I was at work to tell me and the school had already closed.

I always thought they had to allow a child that young to go when asked?
I’ll be calling school tomorrow but I’m feeling really angry about it, however I will be calm when I call them.

@sprite25 I teach secondary, so it is a bit different. If I let every single kid go, there would be chaos!

@dalishelf, from the posts I have seen, seems like a very good teacher who has thought through the possible implications of having too many child out of the classroom in one go and how to manage the children if a situation occurs.

However @sprite25, you sound like the parent who would moan if we asked your child to wait for 2 minutes for the loo, but then also moan if they aren’t in the classroom ready to be picked up by you because they are wandering around the corridors having been to the loo. There is no way we could win with someone like you.

This happened to me more than once at infant school and I vividly remember it even now. I still worry about not being able to go to the toilet and I’m grown up now 🤦🏻‍♀️ Please try and nip it in the bud for her.

@Pentium85 there's been many times when my daughter has been one of the last ones out of her class because she (like many 5/6 year olds) have been so engrossed in something they've left going for a wee til the last minute, I've never complained about it and certainly wouldn't moan at the teacher about it. Just as I wouldn't moan if my child was asked just to wait a minute or two, what I would complain about is a teacher refusing a young child going to the toilet to the point of wetting themselves. So your wrong there I'm afraid.

@sprite25 well I have never in my experience personally met any teacher who would say no without a justified reason. We go into the profession (mainly) because we care about children and want the best for the children.

Year 7 constantly asked when they arrived. I’ve always let them go, but I’ve also spoken to them and told them we expect them to go at break/lunch and try not to go during class. The vast majority have been brilliant and have stopped asking. Maybe they were used to being allowed to go whenever at primary, I don’t know, but they do need reminding that we expect otherwise at ‘big school’. However, I’m clearly a sucker an approachable teacher because they will ask again if they’re really desperate.

The primary 6 teacher at our village school used to refuse to let kids go to the loo - she used to say to every child who asked "no, it's all in your head!" and when my sister came home from school with wet clothes and told my dad - he immediately went to the teacher's house (she was a neighbour) and had firm words with her. A few years later I had the same teacher - she'd changed her response to "It's all in your head - but just in case it's not, off you go!" Who knew this shit was still going on - I thought we'd become more enlightened.

@Pentium85 thankyou for the support!

I think I speak for all teachers (and fellow teachers, correct me if I'm wrong!) when I say that we never deny your DC going to the toilet because we want to make them uncomfortable/humiliate them.

It's either for safeguarding reasons, something is being explained, could be distracting etc. Never 'just because' or because we have a power trip.

That’s a good outcome and a lesson in why going in “all guns blazing” is seldom the appropriate way to raise an issue for the first time

That’s a good outcome and a lesson in why going in “all guns blazing” is seldom the appropriate way to raise an issue for the first time hmm

I think thats a good point. We as parents can get it wrong sometimes when only dealing with a few children but they have an entire class to manage so accidents can happen.

They have taken it seriously, apologized, spoke to the teachers in question and said it wont happen again so i think a very positive outcome x

That is a good update, with the right result.

Handling things in a calm and cool manner it usually the best approach. It allows you to question what happened and get your point across without getting people's backs up. Far more effective.

As you say, we parents can get it wrong with just our own children. So can teachers in charge of up to 30 of them. Accidents happen. At least now you know what the school policy is with regard to your DD's age group, and this member of staff has been reminded.

but they have an entire class to manage so accidents can happen

Probably the best thing I’ve read on and here because it genuinely means a lot for a parent to realise this.

Parents do not perfectly parent 1 child, we all make mistakes. And with 30+ students in a class we simply cannot get the balance right all the time.

I’m a teacher and my school’s policy (and my own policy) is to allow one boy and one girl at a time, medical issues aside. If there is a pupil who consistently waits until the last minute I would encourage them to ask sooner, watch out for the signs myself and let them go when they needed.

If I let everyone go when they wanted, on some occasions there’d be 6/7 pupils out at one time, unsupervised. If a fire alarm sounded during that time that would make accounting for everyone difficult. That’s before even acknowledging the fact that some children ask to go to the toilet to mess about. For every parent on here being horrified their child has to wait a few minutes for the toilet, I’m sure there’s a parent who would be livid if their child was allowed to mess about unsupervised with a few of their pals for 10 minutes.

Good update.

Any decent teacher, indeed any decent human being with an ounce of empathy would understand its a basic human right and let them go.
Fortunately the teachers we had never pulled this stunt but I would encourage any child of mine in that situation to then ignore them and go anyway.

Great update, and you were right to be ‘that parent’ which Mumsnetters so often get berated for.

They’ve clearly taken it seriously, and it’s good that their policy matches your expectations. An apology for their failure in following that policy with your DD is really all you could hope for. It’s the reassurance that you were right to feel as upset about the situation as you did, and knowing the teacher involved has been spoken to.

Well done OP, it’s so important that we advocate for our children when they are at an age they are unable to do so for themselves.

Poor little tacker! I agree her DF should have spoken up at the time - why is it you dealing with it?

As a former teacher with a lifetime in education, it is true that one child being given permission to 'go' can trigger a stampede and an empty classroom, but still, needs must sometimes!

My skill was being able to distinguish the genuine from the chancer - it's really not that hard - and I would always ask a child whether they could hang on for another five minutes or whatever until the bell and say, "Ask again if you're uncomfy," or "Let me know if you're desperate," which they sometimes did and sometimes didn't.

I never had a child wet themselves in my care. Not once. And no, they didn't run rings round me, either.

Did your DD lack the confidence to ask the second time? You could suggest a tactic like mine to make it easier for child and teacher to get it right.

Oh, and in Y2 I introduced toilet bunnies (nothing like toilet duck!) which were cheapie little toys from a Swedish emporium. A grey one for the girls, a black one for the boys. They lived on a low shelf near the classroom door and didn't actually go into the toilet with the child but had a spot outside the door. If I was busy with a group, a child who needed to go just took the bunny and quietly went. Nobody else could join their friend in the toilet for high jinks because they had to wait until bunny was back. Worked a treat and was rarely abused, though one someone forgot to bring the bunny back and there were some crossed legs by breaktime!

This is a real judgment call for teachers. In Year 2 and 3 there’s a lot of messing around with the toilets and “can I go too?” from friends when one child needs to go.

In Reception and Year 1 I used to take the view that if they ask they should go immediately as there were so many who just couldn’t hold it.

There were quite a few accidents (especially in Reception) and quite a few for whom the “Can I go to the toilet please?” coincided with wee already running down their legs.

There were a few children who just weren’t ready to use the loo, so I had a quiet word about using the Mothercare cloth training pants or similar to spare blushes as they were getting teased for frequent accidents.

I think wearing protection has its place.