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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
Oldfail · 04/03/2020 04:57

Havent read all the replies but my dh is the opposite.

I am on mat leave with 3 month old and 2.5 year old. DH gets in from working a 8 hour days. Will take all his stuff off, go to the loo and sometimes change and give the kids a cuddle all in about 5 mins. Will then set too with putting the dinner on if I havent yet (usually I have prepped it in the day) he will tidy up a bit, help with toddlers dinner, get everything ready for our dinner. I usually tidy up after dinner unless I am feeding baby which in that case he does it.

He also baths and dresses toddler for bed while I sort the baby. He reads bedtime story and takes baby while i do the final settle. We then sit down together in the evening with the cup of tea he has made for us.

Also most mornings he takes toddler downstairs and entertains so I can get a bit more rest and on some mornings he will get the toddler dressed before he leaves for work if he has time.

I will be going back to work so this will continue but he always said that he wanted children too so the responsibility is on both of us although I do the bulk and also majority of household cleaning etx because I technically have more time.

However I was fortunate that dh spent most of his adult life living on his own a got used to having to do these things and when l moved in it didn't change he still looked after the house and cooked etc.

PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass · 04/03/2020 06:12

PlugholePencil does that mean that your husband doesn't see his children awake at all from Monday to Friday despite being home by 7pm and the older child being 5 years old? So he's essentially only a hands on parent two days per week? You think that's a good thing?

Wtf is it with all the posters (not you) using the very telling phrase "helping out"?

Did you ever hear a woman say she "helps out" with her own children?

user1487194234 · 04/03/2020 06:20

Ok each to their own
I was always happy to give my DH half an hour or so after work
And vice versa

Enidcat5 · 04/03/2020 06:23

BlackCat it is of course the man here who is at fault! However if this were my partner I would pull them up on their behaviour and ask them please to not do this

I will revise therefore to 'these parents (as it could be either parent acting like this!) are taking the piss'

I'm not sure how they would stop though if someone (in this case, and the majority of cases listed above) the woman doesn't actually ask them to stop doing it.

Damntheman · 04/03/2020 06:43

I agree his behaviour is not on. My DH has always been straight in with the kids when he gets home. Being at home with 2 small kids is hardly the easy life, he needs to appreciate that!

stayathomer · 04/03/2020 07:00

Itry my utmost to get both kids in bed before DH gets in at 7.

Plughole could you maybe try to keep them up until 7.30/8 so they can see him? I'm sure they'd appreciate it and so would he and honestly it's better for them or else they'll just start to see it as you and them together and he's just a bystander.

Aweebawbee · 04/03/2020 07:02

DH arriving home was always a big excitement in our house. Big hugs, tickles, wrestling etc. Everybody delighted to see everyone else. There is no way that he could have sneaked in the door for a quiet coffee.

Bumpitybumper · 04/03/2020 07:21

The issue with young children is that they don't adapt to adult wants and needs. Of course a WOHP wants to rest for a while after a long hard day at work, likewise a SAHP wants some rest bite from the relentless demands of a toddler and baby when their partner gets home. It's all very human and understandable. The toddler and baby however still need to be fed, bathed and put to bed and this will often not wait until each parent has had the downtime they desire. So something or rather someone has to give...

You can argue all day about who has it harder and who deserves a break the most or everyone can pitch in and stop relying on an already overstretched and potentially overwhelmed partner to pick up the slack so you can have a bit of a rest.

It's common with young children that parents don't have their most basic needs met e.g. sleep, eating etc. Someone getting half an hour all to themselves during the peak of the evening parenting rush is ridiculously indulgent and incredibly selfish when this comes at the expense of the other parent.

Fullyhuman · 04/03/2020 07:46

Could you go out? Just for a walk or an errand? I’d do that, for 1/2-1 hour as soon as he looms nearby. He is turning down the opportunity to bond with his children while they are young enough to think him utterly perfect, so he’s a fool, but there’s a lot of it about.
When our children were young my husband loved being greeted like the all-conquering hero he isn’t, and he willingly had their company while he got changed and used the loo. Typically he played with and bathed the children while I cooked/cleaned (alone! Alone!).
These years are gruelling but fleeting. Does he think that at 6 or 7 or 8 the kids will be pressing their noses against the window watching for DADDEEEEEEEEE?

drspouse · 04/03/2020 08:28

What's this "help" rubbish? You don't "help" with your own children. It's his job too

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/03/2020 08:36

If hes doing work on his works laptop then he's still working isnt he? Maybe he should stay at work for the extra 30 minutes before coming home and he could then give you his undivided attention?

Maybe he should stop doing overtime also so that you can both have some down time?

Watermelontea · 04/03/2020 08:48

Well I’d be throughly pissed off if DH did this, thankfully I’ve not had this issue.
After spending all day at work he’s excited to see the DC, and he usually feeds the baby if she’s due, whilst listening to the 3YO tell him about her day.
I usually go and prep dinner in that time, and do some childless tasks, like the laundry, load and unload the dishwasher and folding clothes.
Then if it’s bath night one of us gets the stuff together whilst the other one bathes then both, and then we do bedtime together.
After they’re both asleep (albeit the baby is usually asleep in our arms - were working on it!) we eat dinner together, catch up and unwind.
He doesn’t see what I do as any less of a ‘job’ than what he goes out to do, parenting is tiring!
We share the load when he’s present, and he wants to do it so he can spend as much time as a family as possible.
Maybe have a good chat with your OH about how you feel and tell him that his day shouldn’t end when he’s left work, after all yours doesn’t, it should end when the children are asleep.

Oldfail · 04/03/2020 09:28

When I said "help" i meant we help each other. One gets the food ready the other wrestles the toddler into the high chair with a drink

I dont understand those who say their partners help out with their kids

WhatHappenedThen · 04/03/2020 10:02

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want some time to unwind. I guess it depends on your kids a lot but I always had times during the day when I could relax and I had four kids within 6 years. I know if you have kids with behavioural issues or disabilities then that can be different though.
I did find that the early evening when my husband got home could be a bit full on though. Often I would have had a relaxing day all for it to go tits up 5 mins before he got home. 😅

h3av3n · 04/03/2020 10:34

Surely everyone needs half an hour to relax after work, especially with overtime

Damntheman · 04/03/2020 10:36

Nope. Relaxing comes after the kids are in bed when you can both relax, not at the expense of dumping your partner in it. It's selfish to do that if you can't both relax unless one of you is ill.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2020 10:47

@Damntheman exactly, me and my DH both work fulltime with just 1 teen at home now, we all pull our weight the minute we get home with the jobs that need doing, then we all relax afterwards in the evening

FirstTimeMummy1988 · 04/03/2020 11:10

My DH usually gets home and goes straight to the toilet. Then he entertains the boys aged 21 months and 7 weeks (usually asleep) whilst I finish dinner.
We have dinner and then he will bath DS1 and read him a bedtime story while I breastfeed DS2 and get him settled in his Moses basket. Then he loads dishwasher whilst I get things ready for the next morning.

antwacky · 04/03/2020 11:57

With very young children I don't see why he can't just pitch in once he gets home.
My next door neighbours husband used to pull on to the drive and sit in his car for half hour every night before entering the house!

PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass · 04/03/2020 12:02

h3av3n what do you think people who have to pick their children up from childminder/ nursery straight from work do? That's a very common everyday reality where both parents work.

Young children usually seek their parents' attention the moment they walk through the door. If they are indifferent or trained not to approach their parent until they've had a coffee and half an hour on the laptop then there's something very wrong with the parent-child relationship!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 04/03/2020 13:27

I don't see the issue here. it's just half an hour and then he's doing his share. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have some transition time.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 04/03/2020 13:59

It's not the 30 minutes @brie, it's the timing of it. I think the OP just needs to know that he'll give her a break as well soon after he gets home. As others have suggested, perhaps he could change, grab a coffee and take the DC for a short while - then go back to his emails.

He doesn't really to check them right away and if it makes for a happier family life, it's worth it. Life changes so much when you have DC, we have to adapt...even if it's a right pain sometimes!

DontBe · 04/03/2020 15:09

Is he doing his share though? The OP says she does bath and bed so what’s he doing?

My DH works on ITU, still comes home and gets on with whatever needs doing when he gets in. I work part time, I come home and start tidying, cooking whatever when I get in. Family doesn’t pause just because you’ve been at work.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/03/2020 15:17

I'm sure everybody would like to relax for half an hour. Who is supposed to do the dinner and bedtime and take care of young children then at that time though, if you don't have house elves or something?

Do things that need to be done first, relax later. Not 'wife does things that need to be done, husband relaxes'.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/03/2020 15:22

As others have suggested, perhaps he could change, grab a coffee and take the DC for a short while - then go back to his emails.

So when does he get to relax then? He works all day, plus does overtime so possibly doesnt even get 2 days off a week, is meant to get home and take the children and then when theyre in bed he can return to his work e mails. So when does he get to relax?