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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/03/2020 22:14

It's a difficult one. We have 3 under 5 including a breastfed baby. I had to start returning to work when she was 3 months old. I honestly find my days at work so much more challenging than those at home, where I truly want to be, with my children. If you find it more challenging being at home would a role reversal be an option? I definitely need a little bit of time to get in the door, have a wee which I don't get time for, and change into parenting mode!

user1487194234 · 03/03/2020 22:15

I think it's reasonable to let someone have a short break when they come home from work

chuck7 · 03/03/2020 22:18

It’s a shitty attitude. Honestly all I want to do when I get in from work is sit down and have peace. But my OH will have had the kids at home all day without a second of peace so I grab the kids and do bath time and bed time because being a parent brings long days and honestly they’re in bed an hour after I get in so a break can wait until then. OH does the same for me when he gets in and I’ve had a long day. If I’d had a killer day and OH came in and said “nah give me some space” I’d be fucked off. He jumps in though and does his part. We chill when they’re in bed.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/03/2020 22:18

To add to that, 30 mins may be too long. But I hardly get 30 seconds and I just thing "you've been home where I want to be and I can't have 5 mins to get through the bloody door". Looking after the children you created isn't hard. If it is you shouldn't be doing it full time, additional needs aside.

Ronnie27 · 03/03/2020 22:22

I’m like this, I walk into the house still on work mode and need time to decompress before I’m fit to be around people.

In fairness my job can be pretty wild and I get the initial bits done then take myself off to snap out of it with a cup of tea. I then come back and start dinner and put a wash on as soon as I’m ready to be a useful member of the family again. I think some people are just rubbish at transitioning during the day. It takes me ages to settle into work too.

whatswithtodaytoday · 03/03/2020 22:25

Nope, my partner will usually grab the baby from me and take over childcare while I get on with whatever I was trying to do. When I had a newborn I just used to go and stand outside and be alone for a while.

1Morewineplease · 03/03/2020 22:26

This is such a hard situation.
My husband left for work at 5.30 am and arrived home at 7-8pm. I would be at home, looking after children, housekeeping, playgroups, school, activities etc... and loved the opportunity to offload to him when he came home.
He needed just a little while to wind down.
When I think to my own previous working life. I did the same hours as him and I desperately needed to just sit down for a few minutes when I came home. The thought of being handed a teething toddler when I walked through the door would have filled me with horror.
At least I was at home, and might possibly get a tiny nap while my children napped/ were at playgroup. Or even have the opportunity to fill a plant pot, do a crossword, listen to a radio play for half an hour while children were running around the garden / making mud pies etc..
Just half an hour to ‘be’ is all it takes then your partner can crack on with cooking/bath and bedtime routine.

MintyMabel · 03/03/2020 22:39

I don't think it's unreasonable that your husband has 30 mins to wind down before he starts helping out tbh

Needs 30 minutes more before he parents his own children you mean?

He can wind down when they get to bed, same as OP does. He’s had since he left work to wind down from work. Once you’re in the door you’re on duty. If you don’t want that, you shouldn’t be a parent.

Minai · 03/03/2020 22:44

No, my husband gets in at 6.45. He gets changed then comes down and takes over and gets the boys changed for bed and puts them to sleep. He doesn’t see them in the week apart from this 45 mins so he makes the most of his time with them and knows I need a break after being with them all day. He gets to rest all evening though.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/03/2020 23:32

DS is just 3, DD is 6m

Dh gets home around 7.20pm most nights, DS is always in bed fast asleep, DD usually is too. He comes in & we both have a cup of tea/debrief before dinner.

fastliving · 03/03/2020 23:49

What Minai said is how I would hope and expect a parent who was working ft to do.

PapayaCoconut · 04/03/2020 00:19

Looking after the children you created isn't hard. If it is you shouldn't be doing it full time, additional needs aside.

I disagree. If it isn't hard, you're doing it wrong.

BoredOfTheBoard · 04/03/2020 00:27

If I'd been at home with aa newborn and a toddler all day, I think it would be me in need of half an hour peace and quiet. At least he has probably been able to est his lunch and go to the toilet in peace. Does he think you've been sat on the sofa watching Netflix all day?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 00:36

Looking after the children you created isn't hard. If it is you shouldn't be doing it full time, additional needs aside.

Odd because DD was less hard work after her diagnosis than she was before. So when she didn't have a diagnosis your post would have upset me. Now I couldn't give a shit.

DropYourSword · 04/03/2020 00:43

I don't think it's unreasonable that your husband has 30 mins to wind down before he starts helping out tbh

Eh?
Where’s her 30 minute break?! Doesn’t she deserve a break too?
As soon as I get home from work I’m onto being a parent, cooking the dinner etc. Bith me and my husband booth pull our weight. You have your break once the kids are in bed!

Zombiemum1946 · 04/03/2020 00:44

I used to hand over the baby and say I'll put the kettle on and the 6yr old would chatter at him for 20 mins. Excitement over, he sat with his cuppa then made the dinner (I'd already fed the kids unless dh was back early) He got up to the kids at the weekend. When they started school he started doing breakfast for all. He's not perfect, he's horrendously untidy, can't cope with vomit and God forbid he's woken at night. Child care hand over is at 5:30 am. I'm currently looking at the latest war of attrition that is his cycling gear from the weekend that he dropped on the living room floor. I'll kick off when I can't take it anymore.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/03/2020 01:35

I hate the phrase "helping out". As if they're not his DCs too. So sexist/back to the 1950s.

If DCs are likely to be in bed very shortly after The Big Man comes home then never mind 30 minute break, give them that time and attention, and chill with your wife once they're in bed.

Its called parenting, and it comes with family life. Nobody said it would be easy.

ViciousJackdaw · 04/03/2020 01:53

A quick sit down with a cup of tea/coffee when you get home from work is a basic human right. I have no idea how a commute home from work is supposed to be 'me time' either - driving is just an extension of work really, you must be alert and switched on. Trains or buses - generally a nightmare between 4-7 pm.

Is there a compromise to be found? 15 mins perhaps? Also, is there a way you can make things easier for yourself? You say it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do - does this mean your baby is held constantly and never put down?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/03/2020 02:33

You say it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do - does this mean your baby is held constantly and never put down?

I wondered this. If he/She is a real Velcro baby get a decent sling & get your hands free during the day! I used a close caboo ring sling a lot from 2-4m.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/03/2020 03:18

Of course it's not ok to behave like this.

I'm a single mum. I get in from work and hit the ground running. Make dinner, help with homework, bathtime, bedtime, clean up time, then, I chill out and relax. I remember one OP on MN saying that no one was allowed to speak to her husband for the first 30 minutes he was home from work. These pathetic manchildren need to grow up. There's no excuse for it.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/03/2020 03:20

A quick sit down with a cup of tea/coffee when you get home from work is a basic human right.

😂

Enidcat5 · 04/03/2020 03:31

Actually can't believe the number of people saying that his behaviour is fine. I'm on maternity home with 9mo and 4 yo, my dh has an hour commute. He gets in door, goes to toilet, gets changed and does a couple of things he needs to do eg charge phone but then comes in to help me with tea or takes kids as needed. We both get a break, a coffee and a chat after they are in bed.

Fine to come in and want to change, take two minutes to get head together etc but the idea that he is sitting at his work laptop for half an hour with a coffee when you're there with the kids you've looked after all day is just ridiculous. So selfish. Yanbu

Enidcat5 · 04/03/2020 03:35

Incidentally today I had a kit day at work. I drove an hour home from a meeting, went to loo and got changed, then took baby whilst my dh started bedtime with our 4yo. I would never have expected to sit down with a coffee when I got in, why on earth would I!? It's called coparenting. After both kids were in bed we had a cup of tea with biscuits and chatted to each other, which is when we relax.

These men get away with this crap behaviour because they are allowed to.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/03/2020 03:46

These men get away with this crap behaviour because they are allowed to.

Yup! Let's blame women for men's bad behaviour.

Peanut55 · 04/03/2020 04:10

My dh comes in and has to shower right away as he has a dirty job. This doesn't bother me. What does though is that he will have a 15/20 minute freshen up session all whilst I try and settle DS who is 6mo and still needs To be held to sleep. Cook dinner and pack lunches for the next day.

DH works 7 days a week, 13/14 hour days as A business owner so I find it difficult to complain to him when he works so hard for us. I did however tell him his evening shower (he showers twice a day) takes the biscuit and to set a timer to 5 minutes which is always 3 minutes longer than my showers !!
He makes a conscious effort to now be quicker and come down and help with DS.

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