Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

When parenting little ones, as far as we were concerned, their needs had to be met before our wants could be accommodated. So their need to have some time with Dad, some real hands on dadding, their needs to have their bath, and bedtime came before we could put our feet up with a sigh of relief, a drink in hand, comfortable in the knowledge that both parents had fulfilled their parenting duties, and the kids had had their needs (and wants) met.

Sorry but i think it is a need for a parent working full time, plus overtime, to get half an hour a day to relax.

I certainly had far more than that each day when i was a SAHM. Being at work was far harder than being a SAHM.

Sorry but i think it is a need for a parent working full time, plus overtime, to get half an hour a day to relax.

I don't get that. I come home and parent. Is it only men with SAH wives that get that? I relax when DD is in bed.

I certainly had far more than that each day when i was a SAHM. Being at work was far harder than being a SAHM.

I have an extremely stressful job, lives are in my hands. I've had even more stressful jobs. With daily 999 calls and deaths. SAHPing was harder.

And if you think SAHPing is easier, then surely it's a rest to come home and parent. Easier than work, according to you.

And they did. After the children were in bed. Quite a bit more than half an hour, and far better quality, with tranquility restored.

My husband comes home, drops everything to help with our new baby.

Sometimes I feel bad as he hasn't even got his shoes and coat off and he's in helping me out.

He's very, very attentive tho! Works nearly 7 days a week all over the country so when he's home he tries to be as hands on as possible. Home most nights around 7pm x

He could hold the baby while on his laptop & waiting for his coffee to cool. You can both 'wind down' after bedtime.

When does he get to relax? After the children are in bed and housework is done. Just like, oh I don't know, working mothers?

As pp said, either taking care of children is challenging - in this case, a SAHM of baby and toddler is probably quite exhausted as well. Or it's not - in which case the dad can also sit on the sofa and relax while entertaining children.

I'm on mat leave with 8mo and 2.8yo.

DH gets home for the end of kids dinner and helps clean them up, we'll do baths together if it's bath night, and we get them ready for bed together, then he takes them both for story and bedtime and I pop off back downstairs to tidy up and make dinner, I often get to sit down before him.

He loves it because he misses the children while he's out and during the week only gets 2 hours a day with them so wants to make the most of it. I do feel a bit sorry for him though because once in a while he'd like a night off from stories but my toddlers not having any of it - if daddy's in the house he has to do stories.

When does he get to relax? After the children are in bed and housework is done. Just like, oh I don't know, working mothers

He wont be able to though will he, because thats when he'll have to start doing his work emails - the ones he couldnt do when he first got home.

Im assuming that op dkoesnt sit down for half an hour during the day when the children are napping then, that shes constantly on the go from the second she gets up?

As pp said, either taking care of children is challenging - in this case, a SAHM of baby and toddler is probably quite exhausted as well. Or it's not - in which case the dad can also sit on the sofa and relax while entertaining children.

Im not saying every minute of being at home with children is relaxiing. Im saying that while i was a SAHM my days were in no way as stressful or as difficult as being at work. I had freedom, could meet froends and family, go out for lunch, go and do fun things. It was in no way the same as being at work.

With a newborn and a toddler it was a miracle if they both napped at the same time, this only ever happened in the car in my experience so that was how I got my breaks, driving! My DH got that joy twice a day on his commute.

The point here is the OP is struggling when her DH gets home and he ignores this and sits with his coffee and his laptop leaving her to struggle. There is not one way to justify that. You're a team and you help each other out, full stop.

Where do you get the "he ignores her and leaves her to struggle while hes on his laptop" though? He is working, hes not on his PlayStation is he?

Why is the working parent dismissed on mn and treated as though they are out on a jolly every day? Meanwhile, the sahm is treated as though shes spent the day wrestling lions whilst simultaneously developing a cure for cancer and brokering world peace and absolutely must be given a break the second the wohp retyrns whereupon he must get cracking on the housework bevause sahm absolutely cant be expected to do housework as well as look after the children. I find it really quite strange.

I got that from the part that says that she could do with him holding the newborn so she has both hands to do what she is trying do. So he leaves her struggling to do things with one hand, that's not right. I'm sorry but if you've been at work all day do you really need to get home and straight away fire up your laptop and check your emails haven't you been at a computer all day? Different if you're still working and being paid for it but if not then it's just not necessary. Working is hard, looking after young children is hard. It's not a competition. Two people looking after two children is a lot easier than one person doing it all by themselves.

I'm sorry but if you've been at work all day do you really need to get home and straight away fire up your laptop and check your emails haven't you been at a computer all day? Different if you're still working and being paid for it but if not then it's just not necessary.

Well i doubt he's doing it for fun, is he? Whether he does them then or later in the evening if they need to be done then they need to be done dont they? If he stops to help op out because shes struggling then presumably he's got to start working again later on so when does he get any down time?

Giving him 30 minutes so that he can finish up work and catch his breath, ready to then crack on at home doesnt seem such a massive ask to me.

No I'm sure he's not doing it for fun but it's obviously what he'd rather be doing than helping out his partner and holding his child.

I think up to 30 mind to shower and change is ok. After that it’s all hands on deck.

Mins

Why is the working parent dismissed on mn and treated as though they are out on a jolly every day? Meanwhile, the sahm is treated as though shes spent the day wrestling lions whilst simultaneously developing a cure for cancer and brokering world peace and absolutely must be given a break the second the wohp retyrns whereupon he must get cracking on the housework bevause sahm absolutely cant be expected to do housework as well as look after the children. I find it really quite strange.

Not in our manor, squire. We did not/do not approach it as a competition as to who's got it the hardest. We did/do approach it as a partnership with the children at the centre. (And um, yes, was doing all the housework, yardwork, groceries, cooking etc as well as SAHP'ing. He worked hard, so did I.

And at the arsenic hour, it was all hands to the pump to get everything done as smoothly as possible, with as little fuss and as much happiness as possible, because we found happy, contented kids tend to go to the land of nod a hell of a lot more easily. And then we could both genuinely relax (and quite often, yes, he pecked away at a few emails or had a call or what not in the evening, but that didn't stop him having a drink and curling up watching tv at the same time).

It worked for us.

Sounds pretty standard to me. I honestly don’t think that men realize that being a SAHM is not the same as being a lady of leisure. My dh used to irritate me by referring to time when he had to look after our kids alone as baby sitting. I always thought that was what you did for other people’s kids

I think half an hour is reasonable, then he should take the kids for a bit!

I do love the hypocrisis on MN

where anyone with a partner earning a 6 figure salary MUST be lying and "no one in the real world earns that money ever" (not assuming anything about the job or salary of the OP's partner, speaking in general)

but, on the other hand, no worker can possibly have work to do when they arrive home and spend another hour on their laptop BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO. No, it must always be a choice and people are having fun.

Some posters very funnily can't seem to see a link between the 2...

No I'm sure he's not doing it for fun but it's obviously what he'd rather be doing than helping out his partner and holding his child.

But why do you think he would rather be doing work emails? Maybe he has to do them or his job and therefore their home is at risk?

I'd quite like my husband to not do work emails at home, or to not work 6 days a week but then i quite like being able to eat and afford the bills and i realise that him working evenings and 1 day at the weekend is what enables us to do that. Its not a case of him preferring to do that.

Why is the working parent dismissed on mn and treated as though they are out on a jolly every day? Meanwhile, the sahm is treated as though shes spent the day wrestling lions whilst simultaneously developing a cure for cancer and brokering world peace and absolutely must be given a break the second the wohp retyrns whereupon he must get cracking on the housework bevause sahm absolutely cant be expected to do housework as well as look after the children. I find it really quite strange.

Yep. I was a SAHM when my kids were small and I don't recognise this at all. Yes, when my baby was colicky I was relieved when my DH walked through the door and I could hand over. And yes it was tiring when I had two under two. But as I said earlier, I also got to hang out with friends, go to the park, go to various groups, watch TV while the kids napped, and even read a magazine.

So yep, unless a SAHP has other stressors, yes it's not easy and at times it's REALLY hard, but I don't understand those who think it's comparable with a stressful job with deadlines, no flexibility and a boss breathing down your neck. If nothing else you're your own boss, which I found made a huge difference.

It'd be nice to see some respect and appreciation for the person who's been out keeping a roof over the SAHP's head. And less exaggeration about life as a SAHP

ahem... and it's not just MEN who have to "have fun" on their work laptop.. some of us (female) have to do it too. Shocking I know.

Why is the working parent dismissed on mn and treated as though they are out on a jolly every day? Meanwhile, the sahm is treated as though shes spent the day wrestling lions whilst simultaneously developing a cure for cancer and brokering world peace and absolutely must be given a break the second the wohp retyrns whereupon he must get cracking on the housework bevause sahm absolutely cant be expected to do housework as well as look after the children. I find it really quite strange

I agree. Recently seen a thread where being a SAHP is harder than a CEO of a company