Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

We have a 6yo and a 1.5yo. I'm a SAHM. DH gets in at around 7pm, having been out from 7am with a 1-2hr commute depending on traffic. He comes in, changes his shoes, goes to the toilet and gets a drink if he needs to. Then it's all hands on deck for bedtime.

In his old job he got home a lot earlier (around 6pm) but still came in and got on with DC stuff. He rode a bike to work at the time and needed a few extra minutes to sort himself out, but for the most part he was involved as soon as he got home.

I don’t think 30 minutes down time is unreasonable but if he comes home at a busy time for you I also don’t think YABU to ask for help and let him have his down time later.

I can’t see what’s wrong with him having thirty minutes after he’s been at work all day. I’d expect DH to let me have a coffee etc after work if he was home all day and not having to worry about working etc.

@Fishcakey

Being a SAHM is much easier than working full time. Cut him some slack

Much easier?!? Are you freakin kidding?

For you, maybe, but for others absolutely not.
Being a SAHP can be frustrating, emotionally draining, physically challenging and relentless. I have one of those well paid, high stress jobs, but not once have I locked myself in the loo and cried because I felt I couldn't do it. When I was SAHM I put DD down in her cot it happened quite frequently.

Parenting is fucking hard work at times, but the children come first. Their wellbeing is the priority, not fannying about for half an hour when you get in.

When my dc were little dh would come in, have quick cuddles with everyone, make us both a coffee & then play with the dc while I either did nothing or went to have a shower etc.

If he came home while they were asleep (he does shift work) he'd make us a drink & we'd enjoy some peace & quiet!

I understand where he is coming from. I find I need half an hour to wind down if I've been out somewhere.

I don't think he's asking that much if he is helpful the rest of the time.

Sorry, but 30 mins is too much. I work Mon-Fri and look after toddler DS at weekends whilst DH is a work. DH works shifts with 2 days off during the week to look at DS whilst I am at work.

We both need downtime from either work or looking after DS on our own, but appreciate that DS's needs comes first and our downtime is once he is in bed.

So when I come home from work and DH has DS, I'll come in, get hugs, go to the toilet and get quickly changed - 10 mins max. Then either I take over with DS or I get whatever jobs need doing done. Same goes for DH if I've been with DS. We'll then alternate between DS's bath time and getting lunches made, putting DS to bed whilst one of us showers and then cooking tea whilst the other one showers.

Lol I have to force my dh to take some time for himself , as he otherwise gets impatient with the kids as he's too knackered! They're a bit older than yours though and when they were babies he was much more on it.

Nah my partner realises that children are 24/7 and he loves me and doesn’t want me to throw myself off a bridge because I’ve been on my own with kids without a break for myself all day for the last million years (or so it feels).
Surely he’s just had a bit of alone time on the train / in the car. Surely he had a coffee break or a lunch break at work? Got to go for a piss without a child attached to him? Got to have an adult conversation? Maybe even got a nice cake or doughnut because it was someone’s birthday at work????
He doesn’t need time to wind down - he might wish he could but he doesn’t need it. Kids are only small for a short time, can he not suck it up for now just because you need the support? It’s not like it’s forever.
Men = have to be asked to give a shit about their partners welfare

DH used to faff about looking for mail and asking if their was any mail for ages then regularly disappear on the loo for half an hour or more.

"I'd expect DH to let me have a coffee etc after work if he was home all day and not having to worry about working etc"

That made me laugh, it sounds like the parent who's at home looking after your children while you've been slaving away at work has been having a jolly nice time putting their feet up having coffee watching day time telly all day, which if you've ever looked after a newborn and a toddler on your own for a day without help you would know is not the case.

My dh walks through the door and after hugging the kids starts to feed them dinner. I have a cup.of coffee waiting for him when he arrives home. I will then do a workout and then get our dinner ready, meanwhile he gets them ready for bed.

Sometimes you do need a bit of a rest when you get in from work but this should be discussed if it is causing resentment.

I can't believe some of the responses on here and saying that he has two full time jobs? He's clearly slacking in one of them then.
It would be more understandable if you had primary school age children who could be left while you attended to all the other things but you have a breastfed NEWBORN and an active 2.5 year old running about and wanting attention.
YANBU, he is being extremely selfish. Can't he take the toddler upstairs with him while he gets changed to give you time to feed or change the baby?

We worked as a team to get the children chores done and then collapsed together.
I hope you manage to convince him, its hard getting the toddler to adapt to a newborn and you need all the back up you can get.

Either looking after children is easy or it's difficult. If it's easy, he shouldn't mind doing it, because it's easy. If it's difficult, OP has been doing it all day and deserves a hand.

Some people seem to think it's easy for women and difficult for men. Top tip: if having a penis is relevant to parenting, you're doing it very wrong.

DH used to come in and assess the situation. If the place was a bomb site and I looked broken he wouldn't even take his shoes off. He'd take DD and start working while holding her. If the place was clean and I looked normal, he'd take his shoes off, hug and kiss everyone, get a drink or have a pee then pitch in.

Being a stay at home mum is much more demanding that being in work in my opinion. I have a fairly stressful job and although it's much more enjoyable being at home with my DD's it's a lot bloody harder.

It's relentless having two little ones on your own all day, especially when it's brand new. I lost 3 stone the first few months after DD2 was born because I was so bloody stressed and anxious and didn't have time to eat.

You need that down time too! I've just gone back to work but whilst on mat leave he would come home her changed, have a wee and then help out with DD's, I'd be so resentful if he didn't. Especially if when you're breastfeeding born DC's, it's not like you can share the night feeds etc it's all on you.

When I'm in work I can have a hot cup of tea, hear myself think, eat my lunch in peace! That's my downtime!

@MrsTerryPratchett AGREE!!!

I always look at the Google maps location sharing function in the evening so I know when DH is coming through the door. His arrival can never come soon enough. Most days I don't struggle at all as a SAHM and I would even go so far as to say that I love it, but nevertheless, by bedtime I've depleted all my energy and he needs to be present and available for me as soon as he gets in. Maybe if your DH is a healthcare professional or similar he needs a sit-down more than you, but most office jobs are nowhere near as stressful as being at home with small children.

It can vary. Dh generally gets home and is covered in oil and grease.
So shower then dinner that I have ready. Reason being as I want us to all sit together and any later if he cooked would be too late for toddler.
I too have a 2 Yr old and a newborn. I have said a couple of times to wash his hands and face chick some old clothes on and hold baby or whatever then shower later on. But that in some weird way really delays the evening routine.. No idea why but then I feel we haven't sat down together all eve.

Hi when I read the kids ages it is full on. Yes he should be doing his bit. Fair enough a few minutes but feel 30 mins alot. Am sure the op does not get this time to herself. Mine teens now but that age is hard going. Hands on at evenings time

Also, doesn't he want to spend time with his DC? You don't mention what time he gets in, but you say you start bath and bedtime when he gets in - while he takes his downtime and leaves you to it. So he does not basically see his children during the week?

He is BU. I am the higher earner and out of the house for longer but I've always come straight in and started on stuff that needs doing.

And what about the parents that pick DCs up from childcare. Where's their down time?

ExH was a SAHP for about a year. I worked full-time and was shattered when I got home. However I'm a parent and know that means, you get on with it and stop being precious. I wanted to see & be with my DCs as soon as I got home, as I'd not seen them for hours. I did rest sometimes but in an armchair, with them clambering over me. Such is life. 'Downtime' away from DCs in this particular aspect = don't have them then.

I'm wondering if your H is like the men I worked with back then - stayed at work later than necessary, I knew they'd get home around kids bedtime. Then off out hobbying all weekend as they'd had a 'long stressful work week'...

I am not a SAHP, but am on maternity leave. We have one child.

My husband doesn’t come home in time for most of the bedtimes during the week - I had a fight on my hands to get him to do more than one. Our child is a cheerful little boy but VERY high-energy and I’m exhausted by the end of the day, despite being fit and energetic myself.

He would have liked to have a second, but this uneven split of care for our child during the week has sealed the deal for me. I am not prepared to have another if this remains the status quo. Seems many women do not share this mindset.

Gonna go against the grain here, but my DP was a SAHD while I went back to work. It used to drive me mad when I'd walk in the door and he would say ah great you are home and then dump the kids on me. I'd just done a full day at work, a long commute and I just wanted 10-20 minutes to calm the fuck down before I took over full childcare duties. It's like having a full time job and leaving it to start another full time job without 5 minutes to breathe in between.

I didn't mind looking after the children, I just needed some time to change pace. If he helps out once he has done that it's not the end of the world in my opinion.

Nope. My husband comes in and is straight into playing with our 4yo.