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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 21:52

A lot of people think it's perfectly reasonable for the DH to get 30 quiet minutes to himself after he's home because he's been working hard all day.

not the DH especially, the working parent. Same would apply to the working half of a lesbian or gay couple.

EngiNerd · 04/03/2020 21:52

I'm sort of 50/50 YABU. 30 minutes is a long time but he should have enough time to do minor things. I am a working parent and I have 2 littles as well. One I am still breastfeeding. My husband WFH and sometimes he picks them up from nursery or I do. If the kids are already home with him I usually just need about 5 minutes to settle in (take coat off, change into PJs, go to the bathroom, etc.. But I also really don't have a choice because a soon as I'm home the kids are on top of me. DH usually doesn't do anything to keep them off me for the short period of time I need either so it's an immediate struggle when I get home.

ghostmous3 · 04/03/2020 21:55

Well you are both working full time then arent you. And you still compromise between the two of you to find a way in which both of you can have that break when you get in even if you take it in turns every day.
But the op isn't in that situation is she because she doesn't work

Commonwasher · 04/03/2020 22:16

Plenty of working parents go straight from work to nursery, pick up their children, get home & do evening routine — it’s quite entitled to expect a period of downtime at what is often referred to as ‘witching hour’. 10mins to get changed and wee etc, but then help out with the kids and leave downtime/emails etc once they are in bed and you can both have a breather.

troublein2020 · 04/03/2020 22:21

That would piss me off no end. My DH washes his hands, dumps his bag and then its all hands on deck. I know commuting is not easy or travelling or whatever but that is the decompression time. Or not. It doesn’t matter. I don’t see why my DH should get a break before me.

troublein2020 · 04/03/2020 22:27

For me it’s not that I need a break So much but it’s about a change of activity.
If you spend all day looking after kids then going into the kitchen ALONE putting on a podcast/music and cooking dinner feels like a break. I feel as a parent I get little down time but a change is a break. So if my DH has been working all day then looking After the kids and switching into dad mode whilst not being easy is just a Different energy reserve

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/03/2020 23:07

My stbxh did this. I have 2 with an 18 month age gap and work part time. He would act put out if he actually to do anything at all. Hence stbx. Its far easier alone. I'm not in a constant round of expectation and disappointment.

wineandroses1 · 04/03/2020 23:32

When I was on maternity leave, DH would dash home at high speed at the end of his working day, literally his car was squealing to a halt and he would run into the house to see DD and me. He missed the girl so much and absolutely loved to see her delight when he got home. It was lovely to see. And 15 years later her relationship with him makes me so happy. When I went back to work, and the long commute, I felt exactly the same about seeing my girl and my DH. Who the fuck wants to have downtime at home (ie ignore the child until I’m chilled)? So so wrong. We are a family and no one gets to have me-time whilst our lovely girl sits and waits as a parent pisses about with their coffee and their phone. You will reap what you sow.

Fruitbatdancer · 04/03/2020 23:37

I am the one with a crazy job and DH is stay at home parent. When I get in it’s big hugs and kisses all round, brief chat then I nip upstairs. Loo, get changed, tie hair up, get pyjamas for DS. 15 mins max.
Then downstairs in full mummy mode till bedtime. If I don’t get those 15 mins to reset then I am still in work mode and super stressed.
30 mins and on work laptop?! That’s probably a bit much!!!

Devora13 · 04/03/2020 23:47

In fairness to the family, he should grab a coffee when he leaves work, plug himself into some music or whatever, and he ready and switched off from work by the time he gets home.

ghostmous3 · 04/03/2020 23:55

Lol at you will reap what you sow.
My kids are older well adjusted and respectful of personal space of other people.

As a result we all know when we all need a bit of headspace and give each other that.
I have abloody good relationship with all 4 of mine thank you

Also lol at none gets to have me time whilst our lovely girl.sits and waits

I'm guessing you only have the one then. Wait till you have a few kids and they are teens. I teach my kids that their wants dont come before adult needs and if I need that 15 minutes time to u wind from work mode then they can bloody wait. It wont kill them. They then have me all.evening..

ghostmous3 · 05/03/2020 00:00

My kids arent ignored and never have been. They get a hug and a hello then I do my thing for 15 or so mins

I have ADHD and asd and those 15 mins unwind mean that I dont go into a stress meltdown and perhaps scream at.my kids and hurt myself.

But maybe that's better than chilled hmm.

Jamieson90 · 05/03/2020 00:31

Commutting is not down time. Driving in rush hour traffic with idiots trying to kill you after a long slog of a day at work is downright stressful.

Not everyone has the luxury of long lunches or breaks either. I get 30 mins a day and often work through some of it and cover and do overtime.

Yes both working full time and being the parent at home are demanding, but at least at home you don't have a boss and colleagues breathing down your neck, KPIs, targets, deadlines etc. and clients /members of the public complaining or giving you grief. There are times when the kids are napping or playing by themselves or other times when you can go for a walk or go to the park.

30 mins after a long day at work with overtime and a stressful commute is not a lot in the grand scheme of things, especially when part of that 30mins is spent working by finishing up with emails.

RichPetunia · 05/03/2020 03:04

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable. Sorry.

LoveIsLovely · 05/03/2020 03:27

It really amazes me how many women will defend this shit. Yes you can sit down at home and have a cup of tea, last time I checked you can do that at work too. You can go for a walk, true. Plenty of my colleagues spend half their time wandering about chatting to everyone at their desks, going for cigarette breaks, making endless cuppas.

Can we stop this "staying at home is easy, working is endless stress" bs because it is just not the case. And it totally demeans the work that women do.

h3av3n · 05/03/2020 04:23

@LoveIsLovely, some peoples jobs are very tiring, just because yours isn't it doesn't mean 'it is just not the case'... Maybe this man does have a relaxing job like you but that isn't just the way jobs are... Lots of people have very exhausting, stressful and strenuous jobs.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/03/2020 04:26

Well, I’m tired when I get in from work. Of course I’d love to chill and watch Netflix for 30 minutes and have a cup of tea, but I get in at 6pm, so I really do need to crack on with the kids dinner. That’s life as a parent.

mathanxiety · 05/03/2020 04:58

How long is his commute? Because if it's half an hour or more then he needs to use this as his down time. Turn on some music, listen to a podcast. Make himself some coffee at work and use an insulated mug and sip it as he travels.

He is taking the piss with his cup of coffee on the couch, and his tapping on the computer for thirty minutes.

@ghostmous3
The OP "doesn't work" outside the home. I am sure she finds plenty of work at home to keep herself occupied, along with breastfeeding around the clock.
JustInCaseCakeHappens - same questioning of your definition of 'the working parent' applies.
it's much easier to stay home when you have plenty of opportunities to chill.
Hmm
I know at least a dozen women who were delighted to get back to work after their mat leave was over because they were able to get predictable breaks, a cup of coffee when they needed one, and the pleasure of conversation with adults, and not have to spend all day every day dealing with people who think it's ok to throw themselves on the floor and refuse to move or take off their shoes if they are fed up with something that should be straightforward and simple like a trip to the supermarket.

Way to piss all over mothers who stay at home.

I am aghast at some of the comments on this thread.

Notajogger · 05/03/2020 05:02

My DH has missed our DD so wants to see her when he gets home. Also I presume he wants a nice relationship with her - it feels odd that your DH doesn't want to see your kids having been away all day.

Plus all this argument over who has it harder is a waste of time and complete nonsense as it's different for everyone - what the job is like and what the kids are like, and how well each parent copes. Some days are ok - when we've been out to a group or whatever - some days are bloody awful, like now when DD is teething & gassy & generally a complete pain & I don't get a minute to myself without her crying (at one point I only managed half a pee today before she started).

Days like today she gets shoved at him after he has taken shoes and coat off. Better days, he still wants to take her and spend time with her. Your DH sounds like he's missing out on precious time with them. They're not little for long!

mathanxiety · 05/03/2020 05:03

And it's not 'helping out'. Or 'pitching in'.

It's called 'being a partner' and 'parenting'. And 'family life'.

treenu · 05/03/2020 05:52

This thread is frustrating. I feel for you!

I work in a stressful full time job - where breaks are non existent - when we get home with young dc there is no rest. We have to get stuck in. Work can wait until they are in bed.

Colleagues and I joke that we go to work for a rest! Looking after a newborn and toddler is far harder. Like PP have said - limit it to 15 mins max.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2020 06:12

and not have to spend all day every day dealing with people who think it's ok to throw themselves on the floor and refuse to move or take off their shoes if they are fed up with something that should be straightforward and simple like a trip to the supermarket.

TBF I actually do. But at least at work I get paid for it.

Lincolnfield · 05/03/2020 06:17

@LoveIsLovely as others have said not everyone ha a nice cushy office job where you can take long tea breaks and gossip!

My DH was a police officer working shifts and sometimes would come home almost grey with exhaustion- think city centre brawls on Friday/Saturday nights, racing from burglary to domestic to RTA.

Likewise I was a theatre sister. I’m sure our patients would have been delighted to think we’d all wandered off for a tea break or a gossip in the middle of their aneurism surgery....😂😂

GA2012 · 05/03/2020 06:20

Not in our house. OH works, I’m a SAHM/carer. Both our children have additional needs. I do all the housework pretty much but often cooks dinner, runs around after the kids, bathes them whilst I clean up and often puts them to bed!

I feel guilty but I can’t manage the evenings on my own so he has no choice..

Ask for help op! It’s not fair on you. You are home with the children all day saving him loads on childcare costs! He needs to help even just little bits here and there! Your children are very small and demanding too. Mine are a bit older than yours. It’s not easy!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 07:35

You are home with the children all day saving him loads on childcare costs!

How is it saving him childcare costs?

If op worked then all income would be joint income, no? Childcare would be a joint cost.