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Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
MummyMayo1988 · 04/03/2020 19:12

I'm a SAHM of 3 boys - 1, 5 and 10. They are a handful!
When DH comes home is also says; "let me get in" but to him that actually means "Hold your horses, let me take my coat and shoes off!" Our children simply wouldn't wait for him to "settle in"; the 2 older ones would just bombard him on the sofa! 😂
It is a little selfish. He must know that bath/bed time is THE MOST stressful part of any parents day.
As others have said; when do YOU get to sit and have a hot coffee on the sofa, without the kids nagging you.
Being a SAHP is absolutely a full time job that you never ever switch off from. It really annoys me when people bring it into question. You definitely deserve help in the evenings!

Rachel1874 · 04/03/2020 19:12

You are not alone. I feel many men still think it's easy to stay at home and look after the kids. They forget that they have lunch breaks and tea breaks, where they get some sort of peace. We don't even get to pee in peace lol.

Lou12124 · 04/03/2020 19:15

I think it's a load of rubbish that he needs 30 mins and a coffee before even holding your child?! No way! Wheres the thought of I havent seen my children all day AND you have clearly been on the go too so wouldn't it be lovely if you could both get the jobs done that need doing asap and get sat down together to spend time together?!

Here the kids are always fed before me and husband so they've normally had dinner before he gets in from work around 5.30. I have 3 under 4. Husband comes in and says hello and goes upstairs to run the bath and get pjs and beds ready while me and the kids clear up the toys in front room. Then we go upstairs and husband plays with the kids in my eldests room for 15 mins then I bath all 3, he helps get one of the twins out and then we all read story together. Jobs are all done-all had short but quality time together and then me and husband have an hour or so together before we go to bed.

pipnchops · 04/03/2020 19:17

Just to add, huge respect to working parents, stay at home parents, all parents. It's not a competition but don't make out that just because you go out to work and get paid for it you deserve more down time than someone who is with their children, meeting their needs and demands, all day.

jamdonut · 04/03/2020 19:20

Absolutely gobsmacked that people think it’s ok to ask the other half to take over immediately! Of course they should have some time before helping out! When our roles reversed and I was out to work and he stayed at home he didn’t immediately put kids in my arms the second I walked through the door! I got to sit down with a cup of tea and converse about our days. Then I’d get changed and do my stint.I really don’t think it’s unreasonable, having been on both sides!

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 19:21

I don't see why it has to devolve into who has it hardest, what is hard work and what is a job (clearly looking after your own children is not a job, but it can be bloody hard unrelenting work at times, it's not all playdough and shortbread with little starfish hands), a WOHP v SAHP standoff. Yet again.

Both parents have chosen to have children. Both parents have responsibilities to those children. Both parents need to pull together to parent those children, and sometimes put their wants (and thirty minutes in arsenic hour every day is a want, not a need) to one side to attend to their children's needs - and children need to interact and be cared for by both parents if the bond with both parents is to thrive. And you've got a pretty sodding small window of opportunity with toddlers and babies in the evening. That's how we approached it anyway, and it certainly did no harm to our relationship (a good positive relationship between the parents also being very beneficial to the children - and the parents), also.

user1494615613 · 04/03/2020 19:36

H

FelicisNox · 04/03/2020 19:39

There's no right or wrong just a clash of what you need versus what he needs and you both need to be accommodating of each other.

30 mins to get in the door, have a wash, get changed and grab a coffee is NOT an unreasonable request.

However: if you are having a bad day and need support ASAP then that comes 1st no questions. Therefore you need to have that conversation, agree it in advance and on those occasions he needs to walk in the door, take his coat and shoes off, wash his hands and get stuck in.

The bottom line is that he doesn't understand your load and probably massively underestimates what you do all day so your next port of call is to organise a day off for yourself and leave him in charge. Pump and dump my colleague calls it.

Also reassess your routine: a toddler who "requires regular comfort feeds" is a whole other thread.

Seasiderabbit · 04/03/2020 19:52

Yes, he needs to step up. You've been at work all day too.

My OH is a SAHD. I'm the breadwinner and I work full time from home. When OH gets home with the kids at 4.45pm, I take over straight away and he goes for a lie down upstairs. I would argue most jobs are MUCH easier than looking after children.

This is about male entitlement and it stinks.

minipie · 04/03/2020 19:52

No. DH gets home, washes hands and changes clothes, maybe replies to an email or two (10 min max) then gets involved.

It’s pointless to compare how stressful or difficult wohp vs sahp is. It completely depends on the specific children, their ages and personalities and how well they sleep, and the specific job, commute etc.

Also, regardless of who has it harder: if he is having his 30 min while you do bedtime and bathtime, when does he see his kids?? Surely the whole point of him coming home at that time is to see them?

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 04/03/2020 19:58

5-10 mins fair enough, but half an hour or more? Nope, not if you need his support because you’ve had a stressful day. The sitting on the laptop would piss me right off. Caring for a newborn and toddler all day, is hard work, unless you’re lucky enough to have them napping at the same time etc. You don’t get a minute to yourself and breastfeeding them both too? That’s not to say it’s a competition, as hard as his day has been, yours is no less hard at home.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/03/2020 20:04

They forget that they have lunch breaks and tea breaks, where they get some sort of peace.

Really? I work 6 hour shifts and get a 15 minute break.

DH works 10 and a half hours and gets 45 minutes, sometimes, but not always.

When I was a nurse I worked 12 hour shifts and we never got our breaks.

So working does not necessarily mean lunch hours and tea breaks

Lincolnfield · 04/03/2020 20:25

It depends how you greet him. If he’s saying ‘let me get in, let me get in,’ is it because you’re bombarding him the minute he walks through the door?

My husband was a stay at home for a while and I found that sometimes I couldn’t even get in, take my coat off, or even put my keys down before he’d wade in with ‘things he needed to tell me.’

Sometimes you seriously do need a few minutes to get in, take your coat off, grab a coffee and yes, even fire off an email you didn’t have time to do before you left work and THEN you can be the hands on parent.

MrsCplus · 04/03/2020 20:40

My fella usually spends the first 10 minutes making a fuss of the kids as they rush him at the door, quick hug and kiss for me then he’ll go get changed, put his work stuff away, have a drink. Then he’ll sit down, watch some tv and have a cuddle with whoever jumps him.

Elle30 · 04/03/2020 20:40

Most of you are so lucky, we have two kids under three and he’s never helped, never changed nappy , never bath them , never put them to bed !
He’s even thinking that I’m on the sofa most of the time 🙄
He thinks as long as he is providing, he’s got no other responsibilities!

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 04/03/2020 20:48

My DH is a doctor at our local hospital so he does need to get out of his scrubs and wash his hands before he picks up the baby. He sorts himself out in about 10 mins and then he pitches in equally with me. It would piss me off if he was farting about on the laptop doing non urgent things whilst I was doing so much at once. Babies and toddlers go to bed relatively early. Tapping at his work laptop, having long showers, relaxing etc can be done after the kids are asleep.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 20:53

If my DH was complaining that I had to work in the evening or when arriving home, I would tell him to go and get a job/ full time job to contribute to the family finance. Wouldn't you? People can't have it both ways!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2020 20:54

Most of you are so lucky, we have two kids under three and he’s never helped, never changed nappy , never bath them , never put them to bed !

It's not luck. I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second. His mother and sister would have torn him a new one if he'd tried.

One of the reasons I had a child with him was seeing him with his baby relatives. He helped the mums and dads, prioritised the relationships, knew how to feed, change and soothe a baby long before I had one with him. And ripped the living shit out of his useless male friends. He thought they were pathetic.

ghostmous3 · 04/03/2020 21:10

I work full time and have to have 15 mins to half hour to sort myself out after work. I have to take off my dirty work clothes. I work in a chemical factory so shower and then coffee whilst I potter quietly in the kitchen then I'm ready to face the onslaught.
To be honest when I was a sahm and.my ex worked full time I never understood that need to let him get in and have that bit of headspace. It used to piss me.off but now I work I understand.
Sorry but being home all day with kids is not really comparable to working full time out the house. They are hard but in different ways. I have to concentrate on my job so I dont potentially kill hundreds of people and it's very stressful at times so that little bit of unwinding at the end of the day puts my head in the right place. My kids understand this now they are a bit older

ghostmous3 · 04/03/2020 21:12

Although farting about on the laptop would pee me off a bit so yanbu on that front Smile

cheapskatemum · 04/03/2020 21:24

The boot’s on the other foot at the moment and I need about half an hour to get into “home mode”. Making a decent cup of tea is an essential part of it. That said, our DCs are older, DH has not been caring for them all day. When they were babies/toddlers, I was either SAHM, or part-time Mum & part-time teacher. DH worked abroad, so no transition period for me then! I would have liked one, but it was a pipe dream.

Bloodybridget · 04/03/2020 21:24

@JustInCaseCakeHappens yes, if there are two parents and one of them is out at work all day but gets home late afternoon or early evening, I do think at that point that parent should be ready to get stuck in with whatever needs doing for the children.

HmmGrey · 04/03/2020 21:28

I’m on mat leave with a 8 month old now and almost a 4 year old. DP works FT and I usually give him chance to get changed and tell me about work, before I fling the babies at him. You may have had equally testing days in a different ways. I think he should want and be available to help once he’s had 10-15 to be back in the house. Don’t think you should have to wait 30 mins or so everyday. Sometimes he should be able to have a tap away if he needs to

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 21:32

I do think at that point that parent should be ready to get stuck in with whatever needs doing for the children.

working and earning a salary to pay for these children is getting stuck in! that's the point!

And as anyone who has stayed home and gone to work will know, it's much easier to stay home when you have plenty of opportunities to chill. Giving a break to someone who just walked through the door is just kind. And normal.

competitive misery and tiredness is not a great way to have a happy relationship.

partofthepeanutgallery · 04/03/2020 21:48

A lot of people think it's perfectly reasonable for the DH to get 30 quiet minutes to himself after he's home because he's been working hard all day.

would those people still feel the same if the DW had also been working all day, then scooped up the children from childcare on the way home? No time to breathe between picking up her own children ... getting home and needing to get them sorted? Do you think she'd be very impressed if he got home and wanted 30 minutes to 'be'???

End of the day, the children belong to both parents ... and they both need to step up when they've both been working/are tired/are struggling.