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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do other people's OH's do this when they get home?

465 replies

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 03/03/2020 16:49

Currently a SAHM with newborn and 2.5yr old.
OH works full time, often does extra hours here and there as overtime pay is good. I'm very appreciative of him working hard, taking on the financial burden etc. After he's home I do baths and bedtime for both kids, am breastfeeding both of them (obviously newborn round the clock and toddler has fairly regular comfort feeds), he doesn't really need to do anything when he gets in but it would be really helpful if he held newborn etc so i could gave both hands to do whatever it is I'm trying to do. When he gets home, he will without fail say "let me get in, let me get in" and by this he means make himself a coffee, settle on the sofa with it, spend time tapping away on his work laptop, usually a good half an hour after he gets home before he's of any assistance.
It's not even a massive peeve, it's more I've had a rough day with the kids today and when I thought of him getting home in a while I realised actually I could add on an extra 30mins before I can expect any help and just wanted to know if this is usual in other households where one parent is working full time and the other is at home? Am I being unfair in sometimes feeling irritated by him desperately requiring coffee etc before he can be expected to hold one of his children so I can get on?

OP posts:
Zeezee82 · 04/03/2020 17:43

I’m not a SAHM but when on mat leave with both DC he had 5 minutes to change then the option of looking after DC or cooking.
I have a job which requires a lot of work in the evenings. I start it once both DC are in bed. I couldn’t imagine neglecting my family to do work in the couple of hours I’d see them on work days. YANBU!

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 17:50

On the other hand if he'd had one hell of a day, or I'd had one hell of a day, the other one would usually say, 'you bugger off and shut yourself in your room or have a bath, here's a drink, and I'll wrangle solo tonight.' Ditto if he had urgent deadlines to meet, calls to make, or I had an essay or exam looming.

Mutual appreciation and teamwork.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 17:56

Recently seen a thread where being a SAHP is harder than a CEO of a company

Grin

classic MN!

now what did I do wrong? All my maternity leaves were a holiday!

pollymere · 04/03/2020 17:58

Sorry, I think everyone needs a 30 minute shake off. I'm currently having mine and DH is making a cup of tea. It's fine if he then tackles bath/story reading/making dinner etc. As he says, just let him get in and relax a bit first. Then you can have some time to yourself too.

SpangleSparkle · 04/03/2020 18:06

I do get this, when you are at home looking after them all day and think great DH will be back in a minute and then they require “wind down” time. Does this mean that you also get this time too? Yes he is financially contributing but your contribution is just as equal it’s just unpaid. I would have a word with him, I had to speak to my DH about this exact thing and he did improve but needed reminding at times

Iriahm · 04/03/2020 18:06

Apologies but in this house that’s total CF behaviour! DH gets home, usually nips to the loo (hours commute) then inundated with toddlers Grin. In the past he has asked me not to immediately hand me the baby as soon as he’s through the door as it’s pretty overwhelming but now at 2.5 and 1.5 the little ones are all over him on arrival!

I work part time too. One of DHs role is bath time as that’s great time for me to clean up or just sit down for 10mins.

Don’t feel “grateful” for him working each day. You work each day too, just in as important a role. He needs to acknowledge and accept this. Fast!

Good luck!

christmasathome · 04/03/2020 18:16

We both work full time but DH is still like this. I get in and barely take my jacket off and I’m on with cleaning, cooking, sorting etc. He goes to the bedroom, hets changed, goes to the toilet etc. Its w good 30 mins before he will entertain helping.

Bbq1 · 04/03/2020 18:17

I don't think it's that unreasonable to need wind down time.The coffee etc is ok, not so much the tapping away on his laptop. I would expect any dad to prioritise interacting with his children over going on a laptop straight after work. Also, I'll probably get attacked for saying this so I need to try and word it carefully...All the ppl claiming that looking after your own children is "work", it really isn't. Working mums doeverything a SAHM does and work too but don't usually see looking after their child as another job. My ds is older now but am I the only mum who when looking after their child sees it as a privilege and a pleasure and enjoy everything associated with it? I have a supportive, hands on dh and have been a non worker and a partime and fulltime worker but have never seen looking after my ds as a chore. I totally understand the op and other mums needing a rest or a break/support but not the pp that see looking after your own children as work.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/03/2020 18:21

Why is the working parent dismissed on mn and treated as though they are out on a jolly every day? Meanwhile, the sahm is treated as though shes spent the day wrestling lions whilst simultaneously developing a cure for cancer and brokering world peace and absolutely must be given a break the second the wohp retyrns whereupon he must get cracking on the housework bevause sahm absolutely cant be expected to do housework as well as look after the children. I find it really quite strange. Totally agree! I've never been a sahp but I've had mat leaves, currently on mat leave with 3 under 5 including a breastfed 5 month old. I feel rejuvenated from the time off my very stressful job. The freedom to spend the day how I choose! The freedom of not being on call in case someone's sick or something happens. Spending so much time with the children instead of rushing to get out the door/tea on the table after a busy day/putting them to bed feeling like I've hardly seen them. It is bliss.

Bbq1 · 04/03/2020 18:22

Icecream and candy floss just saw your post and totally agree. That's what I'm getting at. Working parents are sometimes viewed as having an east time of it because they get all of a 45 to 60 minute break each day, if they're lucky. They do a job and then everything a sahp does.

LaraLondon1 · 04/03/2020 18:23

I can see why someone would want to unwind for a few mins as long as they then get off their backside and then get stuck into whatever needs done . If you have to ask him after 30 mins to help then that’s not on. It bugs me soooo much when mums have to ask their oh to help .. like it’s some favour they are providing !

Jellyrunner · 04/03/2020 18:24

Nope, OH is straight on to playing with kids when he gets home. He baths them both and then I take the 9 month old to feed and put to bed and he puts 2 year old to bed. He misses them so wants to be with them as soon as he can and I appreciate the few mins free during bath time.

jwpetal · 04/03/2020 18:24

I would call this a bridging ritual - though extended. My husband comes home, changes his clothes and then does breathing for 10 minutes. It is a really good habit as it puts his mind on the change of atmosphere. Sitting on the couch playing computer games not great. Speak to him about it. explain that you understand e needs some time to change from work to home, but ask that insteP BTW for many years I resented this ritual, but recently have come around to it. It means a change of head space.

DianeNguyen · 04/03/2020 18:34

The laptop definitely should be brought out AFTER the kids go to bed. Why can’t he be doing something productive after a 10 minute sit down? He should be embarrassed that he’s taking such a long chunk of time during the crucial bedtime tasks. Bet it feels like hours to you when you’re trying to get it all done at once.

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 18:39

They do a job and then everything a sahp does.

Not in our house. While he was doing his job, I was doing everything else at home, plus minding the children. So he didn't have to do that - in that time he was not minding the children, and he didn't have to do anything when he got home that wasn't child-focussed.

I wouldn't say that I've found everything related to the children to be a privilege and a pleasure and enjoyed everything associated with it, lol. I didn't enjoy catching diarrhoea and vomit in my hands, I didn't enjoy mastitis, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding, I didn't enjoy them teething, I didn't enjoy diaper rash, I didn't enjoy tantrums. Good on you if you did though!

DH was very child focused (as we both were), so he wanted to make the most of his time when the kids were up when he got home, so he got stuck in. It's certainly paid off in terms of his relationship with them.

Mmpip · 04/03/2020 18:45

Bloody hell. Do you need time to unravel when he gets home...YES.....Tell him to get a grip and look after his little ones and soon as he gets home to give you a break.....You are in a partnership so it should be 50/50.........

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 18:45

I would expect any dad to prioritise interacting with his children over going on a laptop straight after work.

but if they are actually doing WORK on said laptop? It's as saying that you prioritise going to the office over spending time with your children.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 18:47

I didn't enjoy catching diarrhoea and vomit in my hands, I didn't enjoy mastitis, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding, I didn't enjoy them teething, I didn't enjoy diaper rash, I didn't enjoy tantrums. Good on you if you did though!

that's being a parent, nothing to do with being a SAH one, working parents deal with that too. Still found time at home a million times more enjoyable and relaxing as the time in the office. None of my kids tantrummed for hours every single day

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/03/2020 18:49

Sitting on the couch playing computer games not great.

Hes not playing computer games though - he's working. You know, that thing that pays the bills, gives the kids food and a roof over their heads. Perhaps he should just chuck his job in?

The laptop definitely should be brought out AFTER the kids go to bed. Why can’t he be doing something productive after a 10 minute sit down?

Why should he still have to be working late into the night? How goid will it be for the family if he burns out or has a breakdown from working all hours, with no time to relax? Blue light from computers and phone screens severely affects sleep quality so it cant be at all good to be working on a computer just before going to bed.

mbosnz · 04/03/2020 18:54

that's being a parent, nothing to do with being a SAH one

Didn't say it was to do with being a SAHP. You didn't say anything about it being a privilege and a pleasure and enjoying everything to do with it specific to being either WOHP or SAHP, you said 'parent'. As did I. . . I was noting the parts of parenting I didn't enjoy very much - DH did those things too (bar breastfeeding and mastitis), and he didn't enjoy those parts either.

And one of mine threw such bloody awful tantrums it's lucky concerned passers by asked her teacher if everything was alright rather than alerting social services, so I envy you that yours weren't that, erm piercing. . .

Sometimes it was relaxing and enjoyable, sometimes it wasn't. I tried to make sure that DH's time at home was as relaxing and enjoyable as possible, that's for sure, he was the one dealing with work and the issues and challenges that entailed. But he still had responsibilities as a parent when he came home.

Bloodybridget · 04/03/2020 18:59

I think the time from 5/6 pm onwards is often really hard work with babies and young children, they're tired/colicky/hungry, you're trying to get tea on the table, that's when you need an extra pair of hands. I'd be very pissed off with a partner who expected half an hour to do his or her own thing at that point.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 19:02

Didn't say it was to do with being a SAHP.
The point was that some of us find it A LOT easier and enjoyable to be home than being at work..

Plus not only no parent enjoys their child being sick, it's much worst when you are not a SAParent, as you can't be in 2 places at once!

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 04/03/2020 19:03

that's when you need an extra pair of hands.

I never understood these comments. Do people genuinely expect their partner to be home and help late afternoon? Confused

AndNowItsHappeningInMine · 04/03/2020 19:08

YANBU. My ex was the same. With me it was excitement to see him and guilt that I'd had our darling dd to myself all day, and I was SURE he'd want to hear about the things she'd done that day, and would be DYING to give her a cuddle.
Because that's how I'd have felt.
I was fucking GUTTED that he rejected her daily. He didn't pay her a bit of attention until she was over 6 months old and a bit more interesting for him.
I went back to work when she was 4 months old and I could not WAIT to hold her when I got home.
Note he's my ex now.

pipnchops · 04/03/2020 19:11

I agree it is much easier if you are able and happy to be a SAHP. You can deal with everything child related, you don't have to juggle childcare, it's a privilege to spend so much time with your DC. But that's not to say it's not hard work. And saying a working parent does everything a SAHP does as well as working is really not true is it. Someone else is looking after your children while you are at work, changing their nappies, feeding them, cleaning up after them, entertaining them, keeping them safe etc etc. And if it's not work then why do working parents have to pay other people to do those things while they go to work?