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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 03/03/2020 20:27

The only reason I talk about my contribution is so it is clear I was not expecting him to support me for nothing, to show that I had equally if not more contributed to the wealth of which I have no access.

This jumped out at me. Why have you put such a low value on yourself ?
I bet you did most of the child rearing and domestic mental load, as well as slaving away for his business.
How did you accept to live in a house that wasn't half yours?
Are his assets in the country you are living ? I 'd be careful that he won't suddenly hide them if gets wind you want out.

TheSheepofWallSt · 03/03/2020 20:30

What. The actual. Fuck.

OP this is basically modern slavery, you do realise that?

You’re earning money, but you’re put into an situation where you have to pay most of it into the household pot.

You can’t take time off.

You’re not allowed to leave.

Divorce him. But first get an accountant, a lawyer and get copies of as much paperwork as you can get your hands on.

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 20:30

I have money but I don't want to deplete my savings while I consider what I do next, I don't think I should have to
We have a good life, friends , family etc Life just gets in the way and I didn't overly think about it. Plus we are married so even though my name isn't on things they are legally half mine.
He would find it v v hard to screw me, not that he wouldn't try but I would be v well liked in our industry and it would go down like a lead balloon if it got out that he shafted me. People buy from us in a large part due to their relationship with me. Not sure how many of the top clients would feel about buying from us if A I wasn't there and B the reason was he was screwing me over.
I will do something, i didn't expect such responses to be honest. It has emboldened me. I will update you all, hopefully with a positive outcome
It will be equal access to money and putting me on the house etc or divorce.I just can't continue the way things are, its killing me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/03/2020 20:32

You'll wait for him to dump you for a younger version when you are no longer useful for the company then.

You can decide what to do now.

Papoy · 03/03/2020 20:40

I am so tired of making millions for my husband ... some first world problem this is !!! Hmm

Mythologies · 03/03/2020 20:42

Please talk to a SHL before you give him an ultimatum, and don’t let him know.
And, so you know, financial abuse is a crime.

Cherrysoup · 03/03/2020 20:48

OP says the marriage laws are strong and she’d get 50% if they divorced-I’m guessing California? Even if she is dumped for a younger model, the OP would be well off.

ellendegeneres · 03/03/2020 20:58

Blimey op I really hope you get out fast. Your ‘d’h is an absolute bastard

YawnYawnYawnYawnzy · 03/03/2020 21:07

I am so tired of making millions for my husband ... some first world problem this is !!! hmm Hmm Absolute rubbish, it's someone who seems on the surface to be in quite a controlling situation.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 03/03/2020 21:13

Nobody is indispensable OP, and after all this time if things only work when it's you doing them then it's not a very well run business at all Hmm

Get your ducks in a row regards finances for the business and your DH assets. But in the meantime, give notice and quit the job. Nobody should be so miserable in their job and if you're that good you'll definitely pick up work elsewhere, even part time (if that's what you're looking for)

TravelDreamLife · 03/03/2020 21:15

I'd be demanding 50% of his share of the business or you resign. Or divorce. I'd never put up with anything less. You've obviously got the skills to get another job - or start your own company. He's keeping you poor so you don't leave. Do you really want to live with someone who treats you like a slave? You deserve more. Take it.

Skierrdery · 03/03/2020 21:17

Your husband isn't forcing you to work. You choose to work. It's half yours - take the financial hit if you're indispensable.

HavenDilemma · 03/03/2020 21:24

@Papoy I thought that....

Although he does sound abusive to be fair

Polkagirls · 03/03/2020 21:24

You also said that you don’t want to leave your husband and but you do want to leave your job.
Someone has to be employed to do your job. You would be the best person to train them- if you chose to. One of the many discussions you have to have with your husband about the distribution of work, finances and assets in your relationship.

friendineed · 03/03/2020 22:11

Hire a deputy with the same hard nosed approach as yourself and train them up to take over your job.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 03/03/2020 22:20

No one goes to their grave thinking "I wish I had spent more time at work". Think on that, then think about what is best for you. Then do it.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 03/03/2020 22:27

Unhappiness is unhappiness however much cash you have, Papoy - do you think that well-off people can't be in controlling marriages?

Celeriacacaca · 03/03/2020 22:56

All I can think of is that we have one life and here is the person who is supposed to be your greatest supporter, happily seeing you worked into the ground, miserable and profited from while he plans an easy life of golf etc. Please think of yourself and take all the good advice given by others.

Bluetrews25 · 04/03/2020 08:11

Are you able to give us a hint about what this industry is?
Intrigued - you hint it's fairly unskilled / untrained yet you have made a lot of profit.

Medievalist · 04/03/2020 08:26

But surely op, if you are so crucial to the continued success of this business, and your husband knows it, you hold all the cards?

Just tell him you want -

  • a bigger stake in the business
  • reduced working hours
  • a massive pay rise
  • someone you can train up to stand in for you/share the load

... or you will just walk out. AND MEAN IT!

AngelsSins · 04/03/2020 10:18

I am so tired of making millions for my husband ... some first world problem this is !!!

Oh so if the man abusing you is rich, suddenly it’s just a first world problem?! That must explain why so many rich and famous men get away with abuse, it’s because it’s not really abuse as they’re rich....Hmm

newbiegreenfingers · 04/03/2020 11:03

I am so tired of making millions for my husband ... some first world problem this is !!!

Oh so if the man abusing you is rich, suddenly it’s just a first world problem?! That must explain why so many rich and famous men get away with abuse, it’s because it’s not really abuse as they’re rich...

This! Thank you AngelsSins

OP I have no real advice but I really hope it all works out for you, you deserve better then this.

justasking111 · 04/03/2020 14:11

I know someone vaguely, she is friends with my daughter. In construction, think housing estates. Her OH is like this a bit of an A hole, the employees get along with her, clients adore her and loathe him. She smooths many a path for him with her charm talent and grace. I have no idea what financial rights she has but know he is bloody lucky to have her.

GabsAlot · 04/03/2020 16:02

Tell her to get shares in the business at least justasking

good luck op and i hope things work out for you

JAYROC · 04/03/2020 16:10

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