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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/03/2020 17:24

He wouldnt see himself as financially abusive because he doesnt consider you to be equal to him. He is more than financially abusive

Snog · 03/03/2020 17:25

Are you a UK national living in the UK?

Snog · 03/03/2020 17:25

I would agree that your DH is both financially and emotionally abusive.

Snog · 03/03/2020 17:26

Why not take legal advice?

boopboo · 03/03/2020 17:31

It’s interesting that in your first post you mentioned that you’ve “paid your dues” paid your dues for what? Why do you feel like you owed him? You’ve worked there for 17 years with little holiday and no shares and a bad attitude from your husband. It’s not acceptable. Book a spa break with his money and go. Relax. Switch off your phone. Who looked after the kids while you worked all those hours? Did you manage all of that too!

GabsAlot · 03/03/2020 17:37

But why doesnt he pay for food holidays outings-why dont you say anything about that

you cant leave because hes made you scared to-he wont give you whats considered HISmoney-thats abuse

caperberries · 03/03/2020 17:38

UGH, he sounds so horrible!

BuckingFrolics · 03/03/2020 17:41

You may be great at the job you hate but you're rubbish at your life. Honestly - would you want your kids to behave like you? Accepting seconds, being treated like a mug, taken advantage of, conned, unequal, financially abused? .

notalwaysalondoner · 03/03/2020 17:43

I mean if this was a normal company and you were responsible for 70% of the revenue or whatever it was you’d be probably the top earner after the ceo. Is that the case? If not, one of your options is to at least negotiate a massive pay rise if he doesn’t want you to leave. It doesn’t make sense to me that you’ve basically made his company successful and yet he still has so much more money than you that you can’t afford a few months off to find a new job. That’s insane. If you can persuade them to pay you more then at least you can save up for a while and then leave (the job, or the marriage).

You should be a team - sounds like he expects you to be 100% a team player in terms of giving your whole life to his business, and yet he won’t reciprocate by sharing his income and money with you or paying you appropriately or allowing you to have your own opinion on your career.

flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 17:46

Honestly - would you want your kids to behave like you? Accepting seconds, being treated like a mug, taken advantage of, conned, unequal, financially abused? .

ADVICE LIKE THIS IS WHY I LEFT MY ABUSIVE HUSBAND.
I NEVER WANT MY KIDS TO COPY ME AND I WAS SHOWING THEM SUCH A BAD EXAMPLE.

IF YOU CAN'T SORT IT OUT FOR YOURSELF THEN DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS.

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 17:48

It was just relentless for years you don't have time to look up so didn't really notice. Then it wasn't and I was happy enough as it wasn't so full on and I could meet people for coffee the odd time and take 2 weeks off in a row for the first time in 17 years
I just find it so hard to go back now.
I am rubbish at life and I have no energy for anything really as I find it so mentally draining.
He always makes it like I am the crazy loon and he is the reasonable one.
The only reason I talk about my contribution is so it is clear I was not expecting him to support me for nothing, to show that I had equally if not more contributed to the wealth of which I have no access.
I am going to make a solicitor appointment and go from there
I have to laugh though once I brought it up and he was like will I write you a cheque and I was like yes (he expected me to say no, pride and all) and he backed down pretty quickly and changed topics ASAP

he is just so mean with money, friends have noticed it too and commented. Even my daughter said, what does Dad pay for ?

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 03/03/2020 17:53

Why wouldn't you break up with someone who clearly doesn't love you?
If he loved you he wouldn't make you work yourself into the group when you don't have to.
How can you live with someone who keeps all the money for themselves and watches you and your children struggle?
This is financial abuse--make copies of all financial documents and see a lawyer ASAP.

Herpesfreesince03 · 03/03/2020 17:54

Jesus Christ op, I do hope you really get some legal advice here

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 17:57

Even my daughter said, what does Dad pay for?

She's got a point there. What does he do with all his money? Where is it going? What (if anything) is he spending it on?

MyDaughtersLeftFoot · 03/03/2020 18:03

I’ve nothing really to add that others haven’t - but this is incredibly sad and he is definitely financially abusing you. You may not contribute to the house, but he doesn’t contribute to his children by the sounds of it 💐💐💐 I hope your appointment goes well x

justasking111 · 03/03/2020 18:07

I think I would talk to womens aid to help clear things in your head as well. There is a lady on another thread who is making moves to go, quietly and without her OH knowledge, in her case it is worse in some ways. It can be done.

HollowTalk · 03/03/2020 18:09

Hang on, he's getting a couple of million pounds a year profits and you are using your salary to pay for everything? What's he doing with the profits?

I don't understand your role in the business. It sounds as though he has the skills and you are in a supporting role. Is that right? I understand you don't want to out yourself, but is it similar to him being an architect and you running the office?

I just can't see why you've never got someone to stand in for you - couldn't you train someone up? With those profits and so little personal free time, having another person on board only makes sense.

And don't you have joint savings?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2020 18:15

Can you put your finger on exactly what is keeping you in this marriage? He's treating you like an indentured servant.

What exactly are you afraid of that you're still there?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 03/03/2020 18:16

If he wants you to stay then he puts you on the books and pays you handsomely!

If not he’s up shit creek without a paddle!

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 18:16

He runs the company, I do the selling effectively
He does pay for things its just our lifestyles are v different and most of his money goes on building assets that he alone is named on and my money goes on food, childcare, clothes holidays etc
I don't really have anything to show for my contribution. I want out now and as usual he is fobbing me off until I forget about it and it comes round again

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/03/2020 18:20

So he is buying buildings, brilliant he cannot hide those.

DeeCeeCherry · 03/03/2020 18:22

Legal advice and divorce. I can't see what else would work. Your H is a selfish user - & yes, you will drop dead at your desk in time to come, if this continues. That's the point at which he'll replace you.

What an incredible situation

Glitterpearl · 03/03/2020 18:25

Well done teaching your daughter that we women merely exist to facilitate men.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2020 18:26

Even you dd has noticed and im sure its not something he discusses with her-so women pay fore verything men get to order them round

1Morewineplease · 03/03/2020 18:27

Irrespective of whether you want to remain in or leave your marriage, you absolutely have to seek financial advice , in order to secure your future and your children’s future.
I’m sorry to say, but like plenty of other posters, I have to agree to the view that you are in a coercive relationship with a huge amount of financial abuse.
You need to gather as much financial evidence as you can and you need to find the strength, once you’ve had your financial/legal advice to address the limitations that have been placed on you by your controlling husband.
All good wishes to you and hope that you come back to us soon with a more positive update. 💐