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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
MumW · 03/03/2020 18:40

. I was offered jobs left right and centre, still am actually although I want out of the industry so wouldn't take them.
OK, I get that you don't want to stay in the industry but this could be your way out. Take one of those jobs and be a normal employee with rights and no emotional guilt trips, get your divorce with a proper settlement & maintenance, settle yourself/DC and then look to wherever you want to go next.

ittakes2 · 03/03/2020 18:43

I am sorry but I think you are so used to this you are not looking at this from an objective point of view. I am not sure why you want to stay with someone who has treated you this way for so long. My husband owns his own company and occassionaly asks me for 1 or so days a year on things which suit my degree. I am a SAHM.

Longwhiskers14 · 03/03/2020 18:50

Don't go into tomorrow. Make an excuse if you have to that you're sick, then switch your phone off and go and see that solicitor as an emergency appointment. Your 'D'H is using is using you as slave labour and he's being emotional and financially abusive. You need to leave before the stress kills you.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/03/2020 18:50

This is such a fucked up situation I don't really know what to say Confused

It sounds like the plot of a fantasy thriller film where the man has ensnared someone to work for him forever with no reward....

Get out - do it properly but get out.

And then get some prolonged counselling for you to address your self esteem and look at the reasons why you let this totally bizarre set up go on without challenging it.

Toria70 · 03/03/2020 18:51

If he told you to stand in the middle of the M25 at rush hour, would you do it?

I'm struggling to understand how the fuck you've ended up his slave. Because that's what you are.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/03/2020 18:54

Gather as much information as you can about the company and assets. Definitely go ahead with your plan to see a solicitor.

Are there any expenses you can shift to him at all so you can save some cash. At minimum don’t pay for anything that is mainly for his benefit.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 03/03/2020 18:57

He's building up assets in his own name and flogging you to death to make more money for him because he's going to divorce you at a time of his choosing. He's getting his ducks in a row so that he can say that you've made these choices, been happy with the situation re finances and your status in the company for many years and on that basis you're not getting anything now.
You say you're not in UK and you're certain of getting 50%, so why don't you test that assumption before he takes his own action.

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 19:05

Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership, where you share everything, whoever earned it.

It seems that this view is what's his is his, and what's yours is his as well. He is expecting you to fund your entuie family's housekeeping and lifestyle, from the money he paid you, leaving you essentially working for absolutely nothing.

What an Olympic level bastard.

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 19:06

entuie? Entire!

wallflowersunited · 03/03/2020 19:07

Presumably you have benefitted from the much improved family finances as a result?

lowlandLucky · 03/03/2020 19:08

Photocopy all of the accounts, contracts and anything else that you may need. Accept that you either put up and shut up, tell him you are retiring and he will have to partially fund it, or you Divorce him if you cant manage the first 2

Lillybelle05 · 03/03/2020 19:13

An employee with your experience should naturally have more flexibility and freedom. It doesn't matter you're his wife, he's not meant to be abusing you because of that. Also, you should be a shareholder, not a donkey.

Level75 · 03/03/2020 19:15

I work for my husband's company. He's a 50% shareholder. I get paid a decent wage and the dividends he takes out are split between us. All money is family money. We are both named on the house. At some point they may sell the company, and at that stage we'll collectively use the money to buy a new house. There's no question of having separate finances when he earns so much more than me as that would create a weird imbalance in our relationship.
Your situation sounds really odd to me. Your husband clearly doesn't respect you. What are you getting out of this relationship? Would you be happier without him?

1forsorrow · 03/03/2020 19:32

Sometimes we just have to do jobs we hate, to put food on the table or clothes on our backs. That just doesn't apply here does it, sounds like you made enough last year to invest and live the rest of your life comfortably. I couldn't do it and I don't see why you have to either. Not sure how you convince him. I've never been one to advocate splitting up but sounds like you have no choice. It is sad, you could have such a good life.

SophieSong · 03/03/2020 19:33

The situation you describe is really rage-Inducing OP. And, I’m finding it a little difficult not to find the way you describe your behaviour a little maddening. It must be hard when this has crept up on you but it’s almost like you want to slam the door shut in your own face. I’ve no doubt you’ve worked hard, but you’ve passively left your husband pouring money into ‘his’ assets. Why hasn’t he been paying for the kids? For childcare? Why have you let this go on for so long??

Why are you letting your daughter see you act like some sort of lesser being, and sat by while her dad looked after himself and left you financially (and I expect in all other ways too) responsible for the cost of parenting?

You could change all this NOW if you just chose to. What’s stopping you?

PhoneTwattery · 03/03/2020 19:36

Do you love him at all? I’m genuinely interested. Is there anything good in the relationship?

Bakedbrie · 03/03/2020 19:55

Sorry if this has been asked already.....do you have any kind of contract of employment? If so, what does it say? If you didn’t show up for work, could you be sacked? Could you get sick leave for stress and anxiety? What would happen if you didnt show up one day?

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2020 20:01

This is just awful. Do you have access to his financial information and what he owns and when he bought the properties? You need a very smart lawyer and forensic accountant. I’m gobsmacked that you have built a business yet don’t have enough money to fend for yourself for a couple of months.

Waveysnail · 03/03/2020 20:04

Is start looking for a replacement for your job and train them up

MumW · 03/03/2020 20:05

Not knowing where you are makes it a bit difficult to know, but surely you will have some claim on the assets regardless of whether your name is on the deeds as they were acquired during your marriage.

I add my plea to the others, get your hands on as much paperwork and evidence as you can and seek some proper legal advice. If you decide to stay, then at least stay knowing where you stand. I agree with the PP who says he might be getting his ducks in a row so you need to get yours lined up first.

I cannot see what you get out of this relationship. From here it looks like a marriage of convenience - his only. The wedding certificate is to keep you obligated to work in the family his business and the DC are to keep you tied down to the marriage.

Wallywobbles · 03/03/2020 20:08

Forensic accountant and a very sharp lawyer would be my next step. And I'd not rush into another job until the divorce was done and dusted.

Daftodil · 03/03/2020 20:14

If you want to leave and he wants to retire, could you discuss selling the business and living the life of riley on the proceeds?

Fifteenthnamechange · 03/03/2020 20:19

Another vote for legal advice, divorce (getting 50%) & enjoy your life without the prick.
I'm not a LTB advocate normally but his disregard for unis obvious, as is your hate for the role. I don't think you'd regret it OP.

baubled · 03/03/2020 20:21

Just give him your notice and apply for a normal job, what can he do!

Tigerty · 03/03/2020 20:24

It doesn’t matter if the other properties and assets are in his name only, you’re married, if you divorce you are entitled to half.