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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
Chloemol · 03/03/2020 15:10

If it’s a company you can find financial information at companies house. Just look for another job, then when successful hand your notice in

Wigglewaggle01 · 03/03/2020 15:10

You do realise he will share you if you try to divorce and get any part of the business?

I don't know how you think you'll get 50% or why you think he won't 1, cook the books 2, come up with some legal loophole 3, say it was a decent business before you got together and you were just employed to give you a small wage because he was being kind.

Wishforsnow · 03/03/2020 15:11

Go to a lawyer urgently

Wigglewaggle01 · 03/03/2020 15:11

*shaft you

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 15:12

I have no access to his money, I have my own but I need to work. I would think if we sold or shut up shop we would have enough to last forever.
The business would be ok without me, just not as successful but I don't care anymore. Its not like I get any benefit out of it

OP posts:
Potkettlexx · 03/03/2020 15:13

Just write your resign and hand it in. Tell him you’ll give him 2 months notice to find a replacement!

You’re right, he is selfish. So you you need to take responsibility for your own health/happiness because clearly he isn’t going to. You need to be more assertive. To be honest it sounds like you need to get out of the marriage as well as the business. How dare he treat you like that!!!!

Wigglewaggle01 · 03/03/2020 15:14

Those giving the OP advice like 'she has more power than she realises' or telling her she would get 50% of the business are giving really bad advice and being really unkind setting her up to believe she isn't in a really shit position!

enjoyingSun · 03/03/2020 15:14

I think I'd be trying to get copies of financial data - and at same time get some divorce and business advice - plus longer term look for a better employer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/03/2020 15:14

I hope you’ve got copies of whatever you saw that showed you how much he was really making...

If he’s hiding it now, I can’t imagine he’ll be offering it up when you divorce.

Did he ever act in a caring way towards you? Has he always just seen you as a meal ticket to making his business work, while he squirrels away the profit?

Intelinside57 · 03/03/2020 15:15

Legal advice, not guesswork from the internet. Good luck Op, but don't hang about, gather the information and go see a solicitor!

Serenschintte · 03/03/2020 15:15

Could you sit together with an professional third party intermediary to sort this out?
Then you can both put your thoughts on the table and figure out a way toward
What you are describing is completely unreasonable and not feasible going forward
I hope you manage to find a way forward as a partnership. Rather than the situation you have now.

Oblomov20 · 03/03/2020 15:16

Sounds abusive. Like pp I'd worry more about my marriage!

How can you not know the financial details? You've seen the accounts on companies house. You should be seeing or doing the management accounts every month.

Wigglewaggle01 · 03/03/2020 15:16

I have no access to his money, I have my own but I need to work. I would think if we sold or shut up shop we would have enough to last forever.

But he won't share that money so you'll never have enough if he sells the business because you wouldn't be seeing any of it.

BrimfulofSasha · 03/03/2020 15:17

if I were in your shoes I'd quit...you are just an employee after all. Then I'd set up a rival business.
If the business falls apart without you the Boards succession planning must be non existent.

Jess827 · 03/03/2020 15:20

He wants to keep you in a powerless, subservient position employment-wise and emotionally... You've literally got the worst of both worlds, shit employment for an awful employer with poor employment rights... but the pressure of being a business owner without the autonomy!!!

You are far, far more powerful than you think op. You are stronger than you think.

Use your power and strength to gather evidence of the company books and get the fuck out of your "relationship" with this awful man.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/03/2020 15:20

Why have you let this continue for so many years? Why don't you have any access to the money the business has made?

Mamalifeee · 03/03/2020 15:21

Tell him your quitting and starting something of your own as you helped build this company into what it is and he’s taking you for granted and ‘paying’ you shit pay and trying to hide money from you. Sorry but the company should also be yours if you do and have done as much as you say. My DP would gladly have us both take a year out (if we could afford to) and focus on us and the children and enjoy life. He sounds extremely selfish.

flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 15:23

You need to covertly gather info and photocopy everything. Prove your involvement and role.

Take it Ll to a solicitor and either get pit on the business 50% or divorce him and take your share.

If you stay you need a higher wage and a 50% share.

And if you leave him, like pp said set up an equivalent business and as his business loses market share, pick up the slack. Work it on your own terms taking time off.

MrsTWH · 03/03/2020 15:23

Do you have an employment contract? If so, what are the terms regarding notice period, etc?

You hand in your notice and leave. Look for a job you do like or set up on your own. He can’t stop you.

And if you don’t have a contract, just walk.

flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 15:25

Don't confront him as someone said or say you are leaving until you have gathered all the relevant information and got legal advice. Good legal advice.

You need to forward plan and make no knee jerk reactions to tip him off into hiding money and information.

Morgan12 · 03/03/2020 15:26

Absolutely fuck that!

I'd be leaving and taking half. Fuck him. The fucker.

dustibooks · 03/03/2020 15:26

Is it a Limited company? If so, you can look everything up on Companies House and look at the accounts on there.

Agree with others - you should have a stake in the business by now.

cliodh · 03/03/2020 15:28

The thing is I don't have that much money - my salary is good but I end up paying for a lot so couldn't afford not to work unless he subbed me and he is basically saying that is a flat no

He is financially abusing you OP.

Those giving the OP advice like 'she has more power than she realises' or telling her she would get 50% of the business are giving really bad advice and being really unkind setting her up to believe she isn't in a really shit position!

Can't speak for others but I thought it was clear my comment was a flippant one, not real measured advice.

But even so, how much is freedom worth? Even if it's not 50% of the business, it's invaluable to most people.

My actual advice is get legal advice now and start preparing for a divorce.

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 15:28

He wouldn't fiddle the books, the numbers are published anyway so he can't deny it. I looked after X solely and publicly for years so that too would be extremely difficult to deny although not saying he wouldn't. Vendors/customers would testify and I don't think he would go down that route. I wouldn't get half but would have enough to leave a v comfortable life. I don't want to break up but I want an easier life. I mean I can never meet someone for coffee and I'm too wrecked every day that I have no energy to do anything apart from watch TV

OP posts:
blacksax · 03/03/2020 15:28

Ask for a 200% pay rise and if he says no, then ask for shares instead.

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