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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 03/03/2020 16:51

I don't mean to be flippant but he can't force you to do anything if you are his ex wife.

ChrissieKeller61 · 03/03/2020 16:52

@workshy44
That was my story I ended up with on paper equity only out of a house he has full control of the sale price, if and when it sells.
You need a forensic accountant - about £8,000 on board before you drop the divorce bombshell and register you’re home rights, they are impossible to remove.

flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 16:53

You should have stopped paying for those things years ago and let him pay for them out of the business profits.

Stop paying for those things nowadays save your money as you are going to need it.

Original poster
workshy44 · 03/03/2020 16:53

He wouldn't see himself as financially abusive, he would see it as I get paid and we have always had separate finances so why the issue now
he put the money down to buy the company, i didn't but my argument is that they wouldn't have lasted five minutes without me or certainly not been as successful and I would never have stayed if we were not together. I was offered jobs left right and centre, still am actually although I want out of the industry so wouldn't take them.
He tells himself this like a mantra, he always has to be the good guy and the weird thing is he is to everyone but me. I am the proverbial punchbag- everything no matter what comes back to being my fault. To give you an idea, a guy in accounts stole a significant amount of money - they had no idea , I told him, guy is still there yet he was absolutely seething with rage at me,

OP posts:
flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 16:54

Now not nowadays

TheABC · 03/03/2020 16:55

Dear fucking God.

This is a really bad case of financial abuse, bordering on slavery.

  1. Get hold of all the company records
  2. Get really good legal advice. Preferably from a specialist solicitor
  3. Get out.

Your DH neither loves nor trusts you. He is content to see you unhappy in order to enlarge his assets that you do not share.

madcatladyforever · 03/03/2020 16:55

He has no respect for you. I'd leave with your 50%.

TheABC · 03/03/2020 16:56

I am the proverbial punchbag- everything no matter what comes back to being my fault. To give you an idea, a guy in accounts stole a significant amount of money - they had no idea , I told him, guy is still there yet he was absolutely seething with rage at me

That's simply abusive. WHY are you with him?

flirtygirl · 03/03/2020 16:57

With your latest update. He has shown you who he is and you must believe him.

He resents you and despises you and he is showing it in this way.

He is emotionally and financially abusive. And it doesn't matter if he sees himself this way or not.
No abuser really admits to abusing.

You need to make the change as he will not. You have let it go on for too long but I understand that as I did too. But you still need to woman up and get it sorted. And sorted properly so that you and your children do not suffer financially in the future.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/03/2020 16:58

Take up one of those job offers and file for divorce.

Snowman123 · 03/03/2020 16:59

You sound a little self absorbed - you work harder and faster than anyone else, it was you who built the business up etc.

The bottom line is it is a job. If your not happy resign. If your DH isn't happy tough. I've got a feeling you'll find out your not as indispensable as you seem to think you are. No one is.

If he doesn't respect your decision, then the next step is to review your marriage.

SunshineCake · 03/03/2020 16:59

Then you are a fool not to have reported the thief to the police. Bloody hell. Shit or get off the pot time.

2020nymph · 03/03/2020 17:00

Have you considered taking one of those job offers to give yourself some breathing space to figure out what you want? Definitely need to discuss with a SHL first though to see how it would affect your share of the business should you decide to divorce.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/03/2020 17:00

He's financially abusing you. Probably emotionally as well. Look up coercive control. Any of that sounds familiar?

Thinkingabout1t · 03/03/2020 17:02

It sounds as if you are in a country where women have no real rights. You need to find a competent, specialist lawyer who will get you the best possible deal in leaving this "marriage" in which you are basically a slave. Do get good professional advice and plan your departure carefully before you make your move.

You should leave this abusive man before he works you to death. You are exhausted already; as you approach middle age your strength and health will start breaking down -- you just can't keep on working like this.

Best of luck.

Bluetrews25 · 03/03/2020 17:03

As per PP - take one of the job offers, even though you want to leave the industry, just so you can get yourself set up.
You might even find that in a different company there is better peer support / share of workload, and the other employees don't need to run to you all the time even on days off.
You could probably negotiate a good package.
Your updates get more and more scary, I'm concerned for you. He's got you good and proper.

Original poster
workshy44 · 03/03/2020 17:05

Snowman123 I have spelled out what I do is not rocket science, it is just relentless and success depends on being quick-

I was stating facts when I said it wouldn't have survived or been as successful certainly not for the first 15/16 years. In a company of 35 I was doing 70% of the number by myself for a long long time. Now it absolutely would survive but it would probably would be more difficult for them, certainly in the interim.
I don't want to take those job offers as I hate the industry and I want out. I would prefer to work where I am than take another job in the industry, that is why I need time to find something new

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/03/2020 17:06

All his money goes towards building his assets, mine towards things you have nothing to show for; food, clothes childcare, holidays, camps etc

Why do you accept this?

Although you might not have a claim on the business itself, despite working towards it (most employees do that anyway), you should certainly have on the personal assets, at least after marriage.

I do agree with pps that you need to check with a good solicitor asap.

Lweji · 03/03/2020 17:07

TBH, if you are with an employer who doesn't value you, I'd rather be doing the same job I hated for someone else.

Bathbedandbeyond · 03/03/2020 17:08

I’d divorce him and take my share Grin

justasking111 · 03/03/2020 17:09

If he is a limited company do a search on your company.
beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/search?q

I would say sell it whilst it is doing well to him or you are going to walk away. The alternative is you divorce him and take half. His choice.

We sold at the top and got out but I had control of the money and the budget so knew exactly when to get out. We reinvested and can now enjoy ourselves.

Do you still love him??

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2020 17:09

Op just set your terms and prepare to abide by them if he refuses.

You want your salary doubled.
You want x holidays
You will work three days a week
Someone will replace you in the other days, you won’t answer calls.

If he refuses you will divorce. And mean it, he looses half.

fivesecondrule · 03/03/2020 17:10

Well they don't say never to mix business and pleasure for no reason do they? It sounds like a dreadful situation OP but I think I'd be sitting my OH down to set some new rules. Personally I'd be wanting a share of the business, part time hours (you might grow to love the job if you weren't there so much?) and a resdistribution of take home pay so you can start building up your own nest egg.

Vanhi · 03/03/2020 17:18

He wouldn't see himself as financially abusive

So what. Why does he get to be judge and jury?

I was offered jobs left right and centre, still am actually although I want out of the industry so wouldn't take them

For the love of god, stop making excuses and take one of them, after you've gathered the evidence on his company. You will be amazed at how much better you feel. And then you can take your time deciding what area you really do want to work in.

Snog · 03/03/2020 17:19

OP I think counselling could really help you to evaluate and accept your current situation and move on. You have lots of options but don't seem to be thinking very clearly which is not particularly surprising since it is an emotional time.