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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband forcing me to work

227 replies

workshy44 · 03/03/2020 14:51

I work in my DH's company. When I started the company was on its knees, making huge losses. I effectively ran a business within a business and for about 17 years made about 70% of the profit for that company and it could be argued having me there attracted other business I wasn't directly involved in.
it was relentless though, while not a difficult job it means being tied to your desk so taking holidays even an hour off was virtually impossible. A few years ago things changed so I wasn't so tied but now another change so its back to being totally relentless
I should add that I absolutely HATE this job and hate what I do. It is just massive massive pressure
I am paid ok but I have made millions and millions for the company that my DH owns 90% of. Last year alone after tax etc 2.5 million
yet whenever I say I want to take time off or leave he going nuts. He knows that if I leave things will take a hit but I figure I have made him enough money and I don't want to be doing it for another 20 years. I have paid my dues and contributed enough
Part of the reason why it is "all on me" is the way he runs the company, always has to be the good guy so no one takes any responsibility as they don't have to

I said it again recently that I wanted to take a year out and he was like great so will I (expecting me to go oh no we both can't) so I said great. His face dropped, I should add that a year ago he was planning on retiring to invest and play tennis and hiring someone to do his job (all the while expecting me to keep working in a job I HATE to make him money)
There was a change in the business that made that impossible so he didn't in the end.
I think he is being massively unfair on me and if he cared at all he wouldn't keep me in a job that just takes so much out of me when I have already made him an incredibly rich man

OP posts:
Seapoint2002 · 03/03/2020 15:29

Tell him either i leave the business or i leave the business AND you!

Smellbow · 03/03/2020 15:29

Do not do anything without getting independent, specialist legal advice. Individual circumstances will apply and you are not automatically going to get 50 per cent of the business if you divorce. He may also already have hidden assets. You may need to stay just a bit longer to negotiate shares/new contract etc.

But then I would definitely leave the business (probably the husband ...)

Dozer · 03/03/2020 15:30

You could meet someone for coffee any time you like.

No one “forced” you to take the decisions you’ve taken to date. You chose to put all this time in and presumably didn’t get a decent legal set up as regards the business. Get some legal advice.

Nat6999 · 03/03/2020 15:30

Could you use your knowledge & set your own business up doing exactly the same thing as your husband's. You know the business well & should have the contacts to do this. If he won't pay you well enough or give you a share of his company, set up in competition.

12345kbm · 03/03/2020 15:31

This if financial abuse OP. You need to seek legal advice and get in a forensic accountant as I have no doubt he's squirrelled away millions. I would not let him know you have plans to do anything about it as you may find the shredder in overdrive. You need a good Family Solicitor. See if anyone you know can recommend anyone, if not check out the Family Law Panel.

Giroscoper · 03/03/2020 15:32

You need to get legal advice. The fact that you are married and you do not know what the company makes without sneaking a look is terrifying.

The fact your Dh hasn't gifted you shares in any capacity is worrying considering it is so successful.

Ask him for shares, see what he says. But no, you shouldn't be forced to work for his company if it is making you miserable.

cochineal7 · 03/03/2020 15:32

This is insane. Why on earth would you continue this way if you don’t reap any benefits at all? I am sure he has been hiding assets too...

Ohtherewearethen · 03/03/2020 15:33

This is unbelievable. Your comment about making him a very rich man is astounding - you've made both of you rich, why do you do all the work and he gets to keep all the profits?! Then he thinks he can bigger off and fanny about at the tennis club while you still work your fingers to the bone? No way. He must be wondering himself even how he's been getting away with this for so long. I think it's time to ask for a significant raise and contracted hours/holiday entitlement. If he wants to treat you like an employee then you can act like one. Including handing in your notice with a jolly great 'Fuck you' and going to work for a rival firm, or ask him to make you a shareholder. If he refuses he still gets a jolly great 'Fuck you' but this time through a lawyer.

motortroll · 03/03/2020 15:34

I work in our company. We have 2 couple who own the business, we have 50/50 split per family and is wives (who didn't start the business) get 20% share and named as directors.

I don't work anywhere near as much as you, in fact I had a separate part time job until recently.

It's very much OUR business with OUR money even though my husband has earnt our share far more than I have. But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't have been able to start the business with his friend. It was my stable job and term time only that meant he could do it (we have 3 kids)

I would have walked away years ago if it was like your situation!

IdblowJonSnow · 03/03/2020 15:36

Just divorce him. He sounds like a controlling, uncaring and selfish tosser.
Make sure you get copies of all the documents you need and keep them at a friends house. And kick him out or leave.

frazzledasarock · 03/03/2020 15:37

Why are you being such a martyr?

Why are you paying for everything such that you have no money at all?

Take a copy of the accounts. Quit.

And have a bit of a rest.

Then find a well paying job for yourself or start up your own business as you clearly are very good at whatever it is you do.

Stop being your H’s slave.

DingleberryRose · 03/03/2020 15:37

I would never in a million years work this hard for a company I didn’t own!!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/03/2020 15:38

Why don't you want to break up? I can't even begin to get my head round what I'm reading.

You have 'made him a rich man' - how the hell have you let yourself get in this insane position and given that the only answer to that is that he is a vile abuse prick, honestly what is there making you want to stay? Leave him, take the money, lose the cunt and the job all in one.

MulticolourMophead · 03/03/2020 15:40

You need to covertly gather info and photocopy everything. Prove your involvement and role.

Take it Ll to a solicitor and either get pit on the business 50% or divorce him and take your share.

If you stay you need a higher wage and a 50% share.

And if you leave him, like pp said set up an equivalent business and as his business loses market share, pick up the slack. Work it on your own terms taking time off.

This. You did the work, so time to aim for your just reward.

shockthemonkey · 03/03/2020 15:40

Are you his slave?

I don't fully understand the setup -- from what I understand of your posts he seems a bit clueless about how the business is performing... oh hang on I've just re-read you: are you saying he under-represented the profits to you? ("he under estimated how much the business was making"). Even worse, he is dissembling, trying to mislead you about how well the business is doing?

This sounds terrible and I hope you can get professional advice and mediation as PP have suggested, to remedy it.

Original poster
workshy44 · 03/03/2020 15:42

I do get holidays but up until a few years ago never more than a week in one go. It is just Armageddon when I'm away so just not worth it
I don't think I have even had a day off without people ringing me. For a few years I did but now it is back to the way it was for so long.
He says things like " you shouldn't have to do that" but I'm like if I don't who will ?
So I don't do it is doesn't get done and we lose business or I spend so long making it up to people that I may as well have just done it myself !

OP posts:
Glitterpearl · 03/03/2020 15:42

This is one of the worst things I have read on here, and I have been here years.

He sounds like a prick, and it is abuse.

The question now is what are you going to do about it?

You deserve better than this. I get that the whole situation has worn you down, but can you see how not normal and not OK it is?

You have a lot of power here and it is time you used it. What would he actually do if you took time off?

If I was you I would want half his shares in my name right now, and a contract for the hours I was comfortable with, and the ability to use my holiday allowance. This is the minimum that you deserve, and if you feel that it is impossible to get from him then you are better off divorcing the bastard.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 03/03/2020 15:43

Why on earth have you stayed in this job for so long!? His business is not your problem. I'd be handing in my notice and sitting down for a discussion about money with him. You need a job that you can leave at the door and take the annual leave you are legally entitled to. It's absurd that he expected to retire while you propped up the company. You're married –what's his is yours and vice versa. But more than that, he seems to have a total lack of compassion towards you.

datasgingercatspot · 03/03/2020 15:43

I would get a credit card in my own name and hire a forensic accountant with it NOW. He will TOTALLY fuck you over in divorce. He is financially abusive.

BigFatLiar · 03/03/2020 15:44

So do you want to leave him or do you simply want to leave the job?

If he's already been thinking of stopping could you not sell up and retire?

datasgingercatspot · 03/03/2020 15:46

You're utterly deluded if you think you'll automatically get half. You really need a forensic accountant and then a divorce solicitor, a really good one.

CaptainButtock · 03/03/2020 15:46

This probably isn’t terrifically helpful, but your post did remind me of the old saying:
‘Behind every great man, is a great woman.....rolling her eyes’

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/03/2020 15:50

He's holding you financially hostage.

That's fucking terrible.

YawnYawnYawnYawnzy · 03/03/2020 15:51

I hope these responses are a wake up call to you. I cant believe what I'm reading either. I have no idea why you are staying.

Ohjustboreoff · 03/03/2020 15:51

@workshy44 why are you saying that your husband is forcing you to work? I've read the whole thread and, I'm afraid I'm going to be brutal here, all I'm hearing is you saying you stay in work as no one can do the job like you can. You are forcing yourself to work no one well. You could give 2 months notice and say after this date I'm not coming to work but you won't because you've said that the company will fall to bits without you. Fine let it!!!
You said you've never had more than one weeks holiday have you just said "I'm going on holiday" then turned your mobile off? No cause I bet you secretly like that you are needed and that the company will fall it bits without you. You're being a total martyr, poor me.
Take control and do what YOU want to do. You can say no.