To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

The mother has exactly the same amount as the father! He shouldn't be paying anything.

Is your child going to be disadvantaged at mums by not paying £50 per week?

If you provide the court order to cms they should resolve this.

Even if the ex sacrificed her career, that's not a permanent getout from work

Millions work for NMW or not much more

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits

The issue of whether your wife works or not is entirely separate from whether she should claim CM. If she is entitled to claim CM, you will have to pay it even if she is chairman of ICI and has a 6 figure salary.

If care is genuinely 50:50 then you will have to get CM reassessed if you think you shouldn't be paying CM.

BTW what happens in the school holidays? Do you provide childcare on your days or does your ex do it?

How can she be claiming state benefits etc if she has a lot of money put aside as she is from a wealthy family as you put it and also owns her house outright??

Something not right here...

If she's going to be disadvantaged then the mother can not provide for the child so the father should get sole care. That way he can provide care all week and she can get a FT job. Simples.

She needs to work eben if only for her. Ine day CMS will not be payable and benefits will reduce.

So she either needs to work or ensure she has her own personal wealth.

I worked as a single parent to 2 kids, so of course its possible.

Op you need to check out the CMS sitiation, because it doesnt sound right at all.

I know it's not the point of this thread but there is nothing wrong with 50/50 (assuming both parents are competent and appropriate). It's a great opportunity for women to have the same opportunities for financial independence as men and a great thing for us overall imo.

Why should we be economically disempowered by being left with the lions share of the parenting all the time?

OP I would suggest calling CMS and discussing the situation with them. Also call child benefit and ask what the deal is there. I assume she'll be made to work when the kid is 6 years old. But definitely query CMS.

I agree, @BigChocFrenzy, but we just don't know the full circumstances.

I know I'm biased because I had to move twice for my husband's career, both times shortly after being promoted. I had to take jobs at my previous level and work my way back up with new organisations as I didn't have enough experience (at my new level). It was my choice, but people do make these types of decisions for their family's/spouse's benefit and it can come back to bite them if they split up!

OP you should have pretended you were a woman having to pay her feckless ex husband.

If you have a problem with paying the CMS then appeal their decision with proof of the court order etc.

Aside from that, what's your problem? The fact that she doesn't work? None of your business I'm afraid. Yes, she could get a job on the 2 regular weekdays that you have your child but I can 100% understand why she doesn't. It would likely be a low paid job with very little flexibility and even then she'd have to pay for childcare outside the school hours. Meaning extra cost and a loss of time spent with DD. It's ok for you with your flexible hours which allow you to do school runs and have holidays off but how would you feel if ex wife was working and your child was in childcare during the small amounts of time ex wife looked after her? I know in that position I'd be saying "I might as well look after her rather than her be stuck in childminders" then it suddenly wouldn't be 50/50 would it?

It's telling that a lot of people on here are saying 50/50 is hard for the children but when the male parent does anything less than 50/50 he's told he's not doing enough and how can his ex possibly work when she's doing all the childcare.

If the OP is genuinely doing 50/50 his ex has loads of opportunity to get a job. I work and do 90% of the childcare, my ex only does 3 or 4 nights a month.

It took me two years to find my job that works around the school day and it is just above the minimum wage. I gave up my career as I was the sole childcare (unexpectedly due to change in circumstances) while my dh happily let me sacrifice pretty much everything in order to help our family so I can see that it's not always as simple as oh we split up and mother simply magically returns to work.

It's not actually that easy at all and it took so much work for me to finally get offered a job I've no doubt many just cannot handle the amount of rejection and despondency that comes with it. Even now I am far below any other job I've ever had in terms of job and money but I took it rather than remain unemployed, though some days it's definitely not good for my mental health being in such a junior role from my previous ones simply because I don't have the hours around my dcs schedule.

I think that you should mind your own business as you're separated and do what most separated parents do, you do your bit and the other parent does whatever they deem suitable. Go to court again if you want to change the cms payments but above all be a good parent. Whether or not that involves helping your dc out more financially than your ex does should be irrelevant whenever you can afford it.

How can she be claiming state benefits etc if she has a lot of money put aside as she is from a wealthy family as you put it and also owns her house outright??

I don’t for one moment think she claims any benefits other than child benefit. As you say, this doesn’t really add up and there’s more than a whiff of envy that the ex owns a house outright and OP doesn’t.

Oh I'm master degree level educated too. It actually worked against me trying to find pt school hour jobs.

@JudyGemstone
"There is zero reason why a single parent of one NT school age child shouldn't get a job that I can think of."

Childcare issues.

@youknowitmakessensedunnit, if your ex could only get a job that allowed for either after school care, or before, would you change care arrangements to facilitate this?

Have you looked if a job exists? My DD has 7am starts, even though she only works 16 hours a week. Other days it's 6pm finish.

Do you want your DD with different care providers on a point of principle?

You are only allowed £16k in savings, how is she hiding her savings?

You seem caught up in pettiness, rather than thinking about the best for your DD.

@itsallthedramaMickiloveit, i hope that's sarcasm.

She should get a job. Apart from anything else she's not being much of a role model.

It's not.
He done at need to find her lifestyle when he is doing his part of providing for their child.
She is not providing.

If she can't provide. Then he can have sole care. She can get any job she wants then.

@youknowitmakessensedunnit you are right, completely. Be mindful that men don’t tend to be met with a lot of understanding on this site. If you were a woman, everyone would be backing you up.

The big question is around 'genuinely' and I'm afraid that is where op is suffering from the actions of other fathers. I've never seen a man do actual 50:50. My ex thinks he does. He leaves them money for mcdos after school, then goes to the gym, back at 9, seems them for half an hour, leaves first thing in the morning. He also doesn't see the need for new school shoes etc. Luckily he isn't a tight arse about maintenance as, like op, he is on a high salary, but he certainly doesn't do 50:50. I am texted almost every time to step in and cover on his days in some way.

@Ponoka7 but there are no childcare issues here, as the OP does 50/50 and does a flexible job that allows him to do school pick ups. So the ex has plenty of help in that regard. Most single parents work and most of them don't have that level of input from their ex, I don't!

@WoofAndWhiskers I've never seen a man do actual 50:50

My Dad used to do 100% my Mum did about half-assed 6 years (my Dad still taking the brunt even then despite working full time) and literally couldn’t be bothered anymore. There are good men out there who do their bit.

If the ex wife is solely benefits then they will take into account whatever maintenance she receives. Tax credits did this and also UC. If the parent works less than 16 hours you have to disclose maintenance to them.

I can see how she’d struggle to have a career. Most high flying jobs don’t contract for weekend work (let alone EOW) and she probably wants to make the most of her time with her child (especially if some weeks it’s only two days a week) rather than use childcare. But equally there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be able to find a way to be self employed/work part time two days a week when she never has contact. But it also seems like she doesn’t need to work so why should she?