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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:
SistemaAddict · 03/03/2020 14:20

You seem to resent paying for your child. Cms is calculated on nights per year so your child must spend more nights with mum than with you in order for maintenance to be awarded.

Why did she have to go to court to sort contact and why did she have to go via cms for maintenance? That gives some indication of what kind of dad you are.

originalcobra · 03/03/2020 14:21

The CMS isn't calculated on whether she works or not but rather the nights so you'll be paying regardless but the system is set up to make sure the child has enough and although it would annoy the hell out of me if my DW became ex-DW and did this I guess it would be up to her if she wanted to manage off benefits.
If you're not happy with paying and it truly is 50/50 I'd go back to court - but she might try to argue for more time with your DC to keep benefits as 'main' carer.
If I were you I'd leave the lazy mare to it, she won't be able to claim benefits for a child forever so at some point will need to find employment.

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 14:22

Other than being confused about the CMS thing, I can't see that she is doing anything wrong as regards claiming the benefits. Only one of the two of you can claim them, so if you would not be eligible

SistemaAddict · 03/03/2020 14:22

And poor child being moved about from home to home like that. It's not even time to settle in before they are swapping back again.

originalcobra · 03/03/2020 14:22

Stunned at the amount of people on here that think it's impossible to hold down a job with one kid in school!

Original poster
youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 14:24

I pay just short of £50 a week which might not sound like much, but with a mortgage and other bills it's the difference between being able to have a nice family holiday or not.

She is masters degree educated but doesn't need to work as she owns her house outright and has plenty put aside (wealthy family bought me out of FMH when we got divorced).

On my flexible work I've had this job since child was born, and tbh it led to constant tension as ex wife saw her job as looking after child whereas I always wanted to split childcare as I could and tbh they are the most important part of my life... was a major contributor to the divorce in the first place

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 03/03/2020 14:25

Considering the OP's previous comment that's 'left wingers don't understand teaching toddlers to a high standard', and now referring to his ex wife as a 'sponger', I'm going to guess he may be trying to wind people up with some goadyness.

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 14:25

Posted too soon, if you would not be eligible for the means tested benefits and were the one theoretically claiming them she'd have no money but you'd be no richer. So child misses out. If she was not doing any care of your child at all she could still claim as a single adult out of work and I imagine the amounts are not that different. You can't make your ex work (be that the resident parent, non resident parent, or 50:50)

I'm sure the dentist is because she took the child she registered as having care of him or wouldn't have been able to take him with her. Do you have a dentist? I imagine if she's an NHS patient she will take the child because free for both, whereas with a fee paying or private patient you may not be able to afford to go so regularly

Chewbecca · 03/03/2020 14:26

I don’t think you should have to pay CM but you probably should leave her to decide how she spends her time, it doesn’t / shouldn’t affect you.

FWIW I think as a general rule of course she should work. And it doesn’t have to be term time / school hours only as suggested, many children don’t have a parent dropping/picking and being at home 100% of the holidays.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/03/2020 14:26

YANBU but unfortunately you will find a group of people on MN who think the world owes them something and have no practical advise for betterment rather excuses.

Original poster
youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 14:27

On the child arrangements I had to go to court after got divorced, because ex wife tried to stop meaningful contact and it took a long time to get to 50:50.

I guarantee that the child loves the current arrangement and is thriving. As I've already said it's a perfect 50:50, child spends an equal number of nights in each house.

OP posts:
Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 14:27

You seem to resent paying for your child. Cms is calculated on nights per year so your child must spend more nights with mum than with you in order for maintenance to be awarded

well yes, if he has the child almost 50% of the time, why would anyone be happy about paying on top of that? he is paying for the child twice for some reason.

Why did she have to go to court to sort contact and why did she have to go via cms for maintenance? That gives some indication of what kind of dad you are

what a load of old shite.

Doesnt care about his kids but actively wants 50% and actively wanted to be involved in their life.

yeah, what a total wanker Hmm

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 03/03/2020 14:28

@Devlesko he has more money because he gets off his arse and earns it. She is more than entitled to do the same. Not get paid for nothing.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 14:28

can you go back to CMS op?

I dont think you should have to pay maintenance is it really is 50/50

originalcobra · 03/03/2020 14:29

Some people are happy doing anything BUT working, something I've never fathomed. Got a friend on all benefits & CMS who won't work as they'd have the same take home as benefits. No health issues, moans about being bored and being a SAHM. Says it makes no sense to work - so I pointed out the obvious - something to do, gain new skills, pay rises, sense of pride, role model for kids, eventually almost certainly would lead to more money/promotion/opportunity.
And eventually as the kids get older she will lose those benefits.
Not interested.
Don't get it at all.

OhLook · 03/03/2020 14:29

What benefits does she claim that let her not look for work?

Figgygal · 03/03/2020 14:29

Go back to cms As that doesn’t sound right

And yes I’d be asking as well why she CANT work in some capacity with child in school

Waveysnail · 03/03/2020 14:29

50:50 care where you both have ownership of own property - I wouldnt expect you to be paying ex wife anything.

nornironlady · 03/03/2020 14:30

You can apply to child benefit yourself as a primary carer but most advice online states they don't assess when shared care is 50:50
This was not the case when I was employed there though, the primary carer was sadly the person receiving child benefit. I'd consider disputing.

AnotherMurkyDay · 03/03/2020 14:30

I see quite a lot of jobs advertised that are just a day, a couple of days, a shift, EOW etc. But they are mostly things like retail, customer service, cleaning, hospitality, things people are snobby about and don't fit well around school hours (but are restricted to certain days of the week). Also more school hours or almost school hours than I had expected. The running theme is minimum or just above minimum wage though. So I guess financially it wouldn't make her any better off. No longer a "sponger." vile phrase

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 03/03/2020 14:30

Is it collect and pay directly from your wages? If it's not I'd stop paying. Contact them and send them the shared care order from the court.

bluebluezoo · 03/03/2020 14:31

Stunned at the amount of people on here that think it's impossible to hold down a job with one kid in school!

And also the ones who think it’s apalling the ex-wife had to go to court to sort access. No doubt the same ones who think it’s appalling when a dad won’t fight to see his child- by going to court for access...

She probably went to CMS because usually you don’t get anything for 50:50.

If she doesn’t need to work financially then that’s her choice. Your argument then is whether you pay CMS for shared care, which usually you don’t. Again, keep a diary, show you have equal nights, and cms will reasses.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 03/03/2020 14:31

It's really not his problem if his Ex can't find a job that works for her. She's only have to pay for 2 days of childcare. To bad. So sad.

GinDaddy · 03/03/2020 14:31

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KatharinaRosalie · 03/03/2020 14:33

Unless you have a good skill set you have an uphill challenge.

Well yes, that's how life works for most people, and generally a capable adult is expected to work and pay their own way (plus the way of any dependants).

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