To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

A man cant force a woman to work or to not work. Its primarily the womans decision.

Yes theyll get a split of assetts which is fair enough. They shouldnt get pandered to because they gave it all up as though they had no say in it and it was against their will.

Engage your brain before you give your job up would be my advice.

Trust me, the courts don't give a crap upon divorce! I left my abusive ex-husband six years ago and he got 50:50 of kids so nothing payable. A big part of the plan.

He earns well in excess of £100,000 and lives in a five-bed family home with unemployed gf, four bathrooms and four sports cars on the drive.

I also work ft but for around £13k pa. Living in rented accommodation and just about getting by.

He even receives CB for one son!!!

So you got nothing at all? rain

And actually, coercive control can mean a partner is often pushed to give up their job. My husband made my life hell when I decided to return to work pt. He made me pay him pretty much all of my earnings and took my bank cards away from me so I had no money.

@Babytigerrr Upon divorce hardly anything. He is an accountant and hid all of his money/savings with his brother. Nowhere near enough to buy my own home. As soon as divorced finalised, his brother gave him back what he had squirrelled for him.

Thats awful rain but thats not what happens in the majority of cases.

Obviously things are different when theres abuse but i wasnt reffering to that at all.

@18Babytigerrr And I absolutely agree with you that a partner should not ever become financially reliant on the other unless there is absolutely no choice.

I do think that some (but by no means all) people give up work far too easily without any consideration for potential implications in the future. It is so important to remain as independent as possible!

Had I not kept my career we would honestly have been homeless.

I agree. What you went through is awful, but i actually think its offensive to people like you when women willingly make a decision to not work for extended periods of time and then cry about the massive sacrifice as if they were forced into it.

If you wanna be a sahm great. Own that decision but personally i dont think its sensible for most people! Nobody goes into marriage thinking theyll be divorced of course but it doesnt hurt to make sure that if it happens you know youll be ok.

This woman seems to be doing okay. It's her ex who is pissed off. His problem.

@Babytigerrr I totally understand it more with pre school-age kids as childcare is so expensive, but I do think there is a trend for some women to stop working and not return once the kids are at school.

They may say "Well my OH supports us all so I don't need to work", but what if the relationship breaks down?

Also, for me personally, work is more than just about earning money. It's about giving back, self-worth, providing for your children etc...

It is his problem and hes trying to deal with it but i find it vile that you only get sympathy and advice if youre a woman and just hatred and accusations if youre a man.

Absolutely agree rain

I like working for the most part. And tbh nursery has really suited ds!

I think some of the responses would be very different if it was the man not working and the woman was! As women we can't expect equality if we only seek it when it suits us.

Agreed. Speaking generally on these threads, if the SAHP was a father with kids in school who decided he was never going to work again while his wife worked 8 -10 hours a day to support the family, imagine the shit storm that would ensue. But when it's a SAHM who won't go back to work, it's because she's done the hardest job in the whole world and deserves a break. 🙄

The double standards are laughable.

So many excuses on here as to why women can’t work when they have children, I don’t understand why jobs always have to be school and term time hours only - unless paying for childcare is beneath some people of course?

I have 2 children and I pay for childcare so I am able to work, yes it’s expensive but it has reduced as they have got older. Childcare for a 6 year old who is with dad 50% of the time is not difficult. Ex has not sacrificed anything careerwise as she didn’t work beforehand.

I totally agree with you OP, you shouldn’t have to pay anything when ex refuses to work and you have dd 50/50.

A lot of families decide it works better for them to have one parent at home, or just working part time. Sometimes that's about cost, sometimes it's a decision about what they think is better for their children. Which is why some of you are being bitchy and sticking the knife in now. If you were secure in your own choices, you wouldn't feel the need to.

Exactly @IkeaSlave I’ve worked in nurseries if someone you knew what goes on you’d not be so keen for your children to go

Which is why some of you are being bitchy and sticking the knife in now. If you were secure in your own choices, you wouldn't feel the need to

Its not being bitchy or sticking the knife in to say think really very carefully about the future before giving your job up.

Im very secure in my choice. Im 100% confident that its the best choice i could have made. I know that if me and dp split i could cope alone financially. Thats important.

I’ve worked in nurseries if someone you knew what goes on you’d not be so keen for your children to go

This however is bitchy and sticking the knife in. Says more about you and the nurseries youve worked at than anyone else.

My child can talk and therefore i do know what goes on. Ive never had any concerns.

OP pays just under £ 50pw - derived from Court arrangements & CMS payment guidelines - towards the upkeep of his daughter. His ex-wife is hardly being kept by him.

If OP follows through & appeals the CMS rate as he has the evidence that his child stays overnights more often, the payment rate will reduce on a stepped scale down to £0.

Child benefit is paid to P1 which by default is the mother, but can be different.

Ex wife owns own home, so no housing benefit payment.
Ex wife does not work - according to OP - so no working tax benefit.
Ex wife is available to work- according to OP - so ESA benefit may be paid, but won’t be for long unless claimant can be shown to be looking for work.
PIP is a doodle to claim ...

So, OP’s Ex is not being supported by him, & any state benefits she receives are hardly substantial & also rigorously scrutinised e.g. PIP, ESA.

She may not ‘refuse’ to work, it may be that she does not have to because she has financial means enough to make that choice.

What’s been an eye opener on this thread has been the assumptions & bias that have been posted.

Child benefit is paid to P1 which by default is the mother

Not true.

derived from Court arrangements & CMS payment guidelines

Wrong again.

Cms states nothing to be paid for 50/50 care.

@Babytigerrr is correct as above.
My ex-husband receives CB for one son which I'm assuming he pays pay as he earns well in excess of £100k pa. It's just to prevent me from having it. I earn around £13k pa working ft.

He got 50:50 in court, abusive controller. He knew he would not have to pay me a penny via CMS or maintenance this being the case.

PIP a doddle to claim
My friend was going through a nightmare with PIP. If I hadn't read the letters I would have thought bollocks.

The first visit, the friend was chatty and active. - the friend was seriously ill in hospital at the time and the home visit rearranged to hospital.

Appealed.

The second visit, friend now at home, chatty and walking around.

Appealed.

My friend cannot walk until prosthetics have been sorted. When friend was in the hospital a part of it was because of a broken arm. The friend uses sign language to communicate. Both times thankfully someone was with friend because the assessors didn't know sign language

Oh and ESA doesn't come with a 'time limit', it can be claimed for as long as the criteria is met. If someone gets the daily living component of PIP then they can also claim ESA.

It's adviced all the time that women should consider the downsides of giving up work and putting themselves in a vulnerable financial situation. Never mind the long term impacts on her career. How is that stabbing anyone in the back?

I know what goes on in good nurseries.
I am also aware of what goes on in bad settings.
The bad I stopped using/working there, reported them and encouraged others to do the same.

Which is why some of you are being bitchy and sticking the knife in now.

When I was a teenager, my dad told me, “Never rely on someone else to support you financially. Not your mother and me, not some man, and certainly not the government.” That advice has served us, his daughters and son, very well. Consequently, none of us has ever run to Mommy and Daddy for a handout.

Where I work, several women in my department who are near retirement age are either widowed, divorced, or have a disabled husband at home who can’t work. Only two of them are married to living, breathing husbands who can work. The rest are supporting themselves or their households alone. I don’t like my odds as I near retirement age.

If you were secure in your own choices, you wouldn't feel the need to

I am extremely secure in my choices, especially as my kids are teenagers and don’t need me hanging over their shoulders every second, and I’m looking at the women my age who gave up their jobs years ago and are now panicking because Hubby’s asked for a divorce.

Not saying that being a SAHM isn’t a viable option. I absolutely agree it is and it’s up to each family what to do. But there’s no harm in thinking about the future and not just living in the moment. I would tell a man who was thinking of becoming a SAHD the exact same thing. Just think about how this will affect your financial future, and that of your children.

I’ve worked in nurseries if someone you knew what goes on you’d not be so keen for your children to go

Oh, I do appreciate your concern. Day care worked out just wonderfully for us, thanks. Also, might be a good idea to NOT bite the hand that fed you . . .

It's not the woman posting on here. She seems happy to stay at home still. It's all the 'oooh the lazy cow' posters who could do with removing that chip from their shoulders. We can only assume she is happy with the status quo.