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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex wife to pay her way with 50:50 shared care

506 replies

youknowitmakessensedunnit · 03/03/2020 13:55

Women's view please! I got divorced about 2 years ago and went to court over child arrangements with ex wife eventually getting a court order for 50:50 shared care for our 1 child.

I work, ex wife doesn't
We both own our own homes
I have flexible job which allows me to have full freedom to do school runs, hobbies etc in school hours
Child has completely independent life in each home, e.g. no shared stuff
I pay for all school activities and one offs

My ex wife rather than getting a job chooses to claim child maintenance from me via the CMS, child benefit and state benefits, maintaining a position that she is the child's primary caregiver because she doesn't work.

AIBU to think she's a lazy git who should stop sponging?

OP posts:
Notgoodatchoosingnames · 03/03/2020 14:33

Those of you doubting the CMS payments even though 50:50 clearly haven't dealt with CMS. If 1 parents is claiming CB and claims to be the responsible parent then the other parents will have to pay CMS less the number of nights they have the child. In this case it would be calculated then reduced by 50% for the time the child is with her dad.
It is wrong and there may be a case to argue both parents are responsible in this case and a reasonable person would say neither should pay CMS but that isn't how it works.

feellikeanalien · 03/03/2020 14:35

If she has plenty of money set aside how is she able to claim benefits? As OhLook said what benefits is she claiming that don't require her to look forwork?

TinyTear · 03/03/2020 14:35

the ex wife didn't go to court to sort access, the husband did...

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/03/2020 14:37

Surely it's up to her what she does with her time, but if you're paying CMS you shouldn't be paying then get that sorted.

Thurmanmurman · 03/03/2020 14:39

I agree OP, many on here won’t but she should most definitely get off her arse and work. There are plenty of jobs that can be done around school hours, and a lot of those are minimum wage jobs but that’s life. Some people always have an excuse though.

GinDrinker00 · 03/03/2020 14:41

Surely the job centre will be making her look for work if your child is 6?

TheOrigBrave · 03/03/2020 14:42

Does the CAO actually state 50:50 shared care or does it state that the child resides with the Mother and sees the Father 50% of the time?

notangelinajolie · 03/03/2020 14:42

So you've taken the child's mother to court for 50/50.
I'm presuming this absolves you paying child maintenance.
You earn more than her and you begrudge her getting child benefits which help in the care of your child.
Nice.

I feel very sorry for you child. 50/50 is hard.

GinDrinker00 · 03/03/2020 14:42

Also how does she afford her mortgage if she’s on benefits? Hmm they don’t pay for mortgages.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/03/2020 14:43

I agree with you OP. I get maintenance from my ex, but we do not do 50/50, I do the majority due to his working hours.

I also manage to work, despite having taken 4 years off as a SAHM. Yes it is low paid but I get help with tax credits, so would the OP's ex if she is getting the child benefit.

JudyGemstone · 03/03/2020 14:44

I've been a single parent for 8 years, always worked pt and now ft. Never needed a school hours job, I used childcare. Like most people Confused

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/03/2020 14:46

I agree that you should have the CMS payment reassessed, but remember, this money is for your child, not your ex, so even if it's deemed too high or unnecessary, I'd consider putting part of that £50/pw into a savings account for them.

Their welfare/future is more important that your nice holidays.

TriangleBingoBongo · 03/03/2020 14:46

You earn more than her and you begrudge her getting child benefits which help in the care of your child.

He earns more because he goes to work. Are we suggesting the mother is totally helpless and never needs to try and improve her own situation?

Surely once the relationship ends the ex can no longer see the finances as pooled?

BrimfulofSasha · 03/03/2020 14:48

Wow at the man bashing on here. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

The only things you have to go by are him asking if he should have to pay maintenance in a 50/50 contact arrangement.

The answer is no! Stop projecting your own experience on someone else's situation. Would you expect her to be paying him Maintenance in this situation?
Both parents are equally responsible for the child's upbringing but it is not an ex husband's job to supplement and ex wife's lifestyle and vice versa.

The comments about the woman sacrificing her career..what evidence is that based on?

Alsohuman · 03/03/2020 14:49

Also how does she afford her mortgage if she’s on benefits? hmm they don’t pay for mortgages

She owns the house outright.

BendyLikeBeckham · 03/03/2020 14:49

something doesn't fit with your story, OP. Did the court award her spousal maintenance, rather than her claiming CMS?

Whether she works or not, or is a millionaire in her own right, that is irrelevant to how much the CMS order you to pay as the non resident parent. Unless it constitutes an exceptional circumstance.

You can't have actual 50/50 care if the CMS order you to pay anything.

And why do you resent supporting your own child?

Socksey · 03/03/2020 14:50

I don't quite understand why the OP is being berated here...
He looks after his child 50% of the time and has said his ex gets the child benefit rather than it being split etc and she is responsible for dental appts... so I'm not sure why he should be paying ... if he can afford it and wants to, that's different but the ex wife can surely work like any other single parent has to if she wants more money...
Maybe I've missed something

Wishforsnow · 03/03/2020 14:50

50/50 is so hard on children constantly moving. Hopefully it doesn't affect her as she gets older

drivingtofrance · 03/03/2020 14:52

If the child is with you 50/50 then of course you shouldn't pay maintenance.

EXW should get a job if she can't manage on the money she has coming in.

However you can't force her to do so - and ultimately the one to suffer would be the child. DH was in a similar position with his Ex. She didn't work, claimed benefits and lived in rented houses as couldn't buy. DH paid way above and beyond what was calculated as he did not want the DC to live in poverty.

Conversely when I split with my Ex I took an extra weekend job in order to pay the mortgage, run a car and keep my DC in a good life. (I did get maintenance from my Ex, but not loads).

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 03/03/2020 14:54

You should go back to court and appeal the CMS payment. I am offended that your ex wife is receiving state benefits just because she is too lazy to work. Makes me spit.

MummyJasmin · 03/03/2020 14:54

How much do you earn OP?

Cacaca · 03/03/2020 14:55

I’ve seen similar posts on here but from the mother upset that she shares 50/50 and does not get maintenance and won’t get a job. Responses were not supportive to her and told to get off her arse and get a job. Now it’s posted from a male perspective he’s torn apart - double standards as always.

WoofAndWhiskers · 03/03/2020 14:55

All this for £50 a week! She's hardly living the high life on your maintenance payments, is she, and if she got a job you'd still be paying that anyway as presumably that's how cms have calculated it based on the number of nights you have your daughter

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/03/2020 14:56

I agree that we don't know anything about his ex's career, whether she made any career sacrifices at all. Perhaps the OP can return and let us know?

BigChocFrenzy · 03/03/2020 14:57

"If the child is with you 50/50 then of course you shouldn't pay maintenance."

Yep, it's unfair
Your maintenance of 50 quid per week is something she could easily replace with a few hours work
Noone should be too posh to do NMW if that's all they can get

It's her business whether she chooses to claim benefits, but your decision whether to apply to have CM reassessed.