Son & wife's attitude issues

[doyafeellucky]

Sorry, this has turned into a longer post than intended but even then, I cannot describe all the situations and my frustrations.

Ive always been one to think I can work out problems but Im at my wits ends now. My wife and I both love our adult son who is now in his early 30's. Before our son and now wife were engaged and married, we thought we had made her feel welcome in both our home and family.

At first things seemed good. We have no problem with our son living a full independent life but, a number of things have hurt me. Im growing tired of the disregard being displayed by our son towards us and I feel we are being made into second choices. I dont expect our son to put us on a pedestal but think he and his wife should be sharing occasions more between the families rather than seeming to prioritise the others.

Prior to their marriage, I was shocked when we were told his future mother in law was organising a birthday bash for our son and would we like to come along? It was almost an after thought but hindsight suggests it was a hint of what was to come.

As most parents do nowadays, Bank of Mum & Dad, both us and our son's future mother in law helped them buy their first home. I didnt know at the time but her mother and partner were invited to house welcoming meal. We got no such invite which I find upsetting to say the least.

With initial income being tight, we asked if they'd like to come for tea, nothing special, once a month and they agreed. Everything was fine for the first 5 or 6 months. After one meal where my wife had spent time preparing, our son's fiancee decided she wanted to leave straight after the meal. I suggested my wife wanted some time to talk with them as she'd been preparing the meal and just upping and leaving was a bit unfair on her. Apparently that didnt bode well.

Later, we learnt my son's then fiancee started saying we were 'too formal,' whatever that means. Next our son says his fiancee didnt like coming to our home which meant they started visiting us less. When they visit together, they are always on their way out somewhere else or are coming back so they cannot stay long.

I have noticed she is always looking for an excuse to leave as soon as she arrives no matter how much effort we make to talk. She's more interested in her phone and What's App. But I come in useful at times for her being asked to take her to the nearest railway station from time to time.

Now, the last couple of times they have popped around, she has started staying outside in the car, again, meaning we dont get to see our son for long.

The actual wedding was something else, Our family was made to feel like it was there to make up the numbers. Unknown to us at the time, numerous official pictures of the bride and groom with all her family were taken. Despite members of our extended family being present we got 2 official pictures of my wife, our other son and myself with them. Even then, we were an after thought at seeing and being able to order the official pictures and given just 1 week before orders were no longer being taken. That hurt me enormously, goodness knows how my wife felt.

I later found out that during the evening reception when my wife welcomed our daughter in law into the family, she said our family name was 'sh*t' and she didnt intend using it although she does do so in all letters etc. I would probably have made a scene if my wife had told me this at the time.

It's the same at special occasions. 2 out of the last 3 Christmases, we have had to decamp to her mother's home because 'she always spends Christmas at her mother's and couldnt give a sh*t whether her now husband is with her or not.' Those are her words. We invited her family to ours in return for the first Christmas and would be happy to do so again but their plans are already made etc, etc so sorry we cannot make it.

Both my wife's and my birthday are near Christmas. Im not too bothered about celebrating my birthdays anymore. My wife and I had discussed it and decided to mark her birthday with some informal pub grub. But my son then says his wife doesnt like 'pub grub' which is strange because the last Christmas meal was at a pub! So we ended up having a restaurant meal which was nearer my birthday and not my wife's as I wanted.

The last straw is son and wife came around on Saturday to say they are going out with her mother for Mother's Day and would we like them to visit us 'on the way there or on the way back.'

If these events were being held at my son and his wife's home, Id have no problem with this but every special occasion has to be at her mother's home, venue of choice or involvement. We dont even get the opportunity to ask would you like to go out for Mother's Day, anniversay etc.

I find myself hoping my son and wife do not have any children, I am convinced we would never see them while they'll spend all the time at her mother's.

Im at the point now where I consider I need to make my feelings clear to our son. If he wants to consider us as second choice parents, Im not inclined to make him first choice inheritance.

My wife seems prepared to put up with this while Im not as I think it's only going to get worse and we continue to be pushed aside. I really dont know how to broach the subject with my son. I find it hard to believe he doesnt see what is happening here because there are lots of other things going on that I havent covered.

Basically, how should I approach this? Thank you for reading and any input.

You cannot change anyone else's behaviour, only your own reaction to it, carry on being patient and pleasant with them, if they are actively rude, point this out, but things like staying outside in the car, are her problem, perhaps you could treat her as if she has a problem, I would take her a drink and biscuit outside.

Such wise words queen which have helped us deal with in laws to us odd behaviour of acting as if they didn’t give a damn (refusing invites emigrating as “nothing to keep us here” etc then getting angry with us for imaginary crimes we were unaware of. That mantra really helped.

If you say too much you risk driving him away. Just tell him they're both always welcome and then go back about your own life. Holidays with the wife, meals out, cinema. It's down to them really.

Adult children have a tendency to think that because they've pretty much forgotten us and are cracking on with their lives, we're the same. Not so.

I agree that if you make a scene it could be the hook she/they hang all her/their (fictitious) gripes onto. You could just say, as gently as possible, almost as a passing comment (less is more), the current status quo is hurtful. Ime with both male and female children, the well-placed comment works better with the male. Almost like a seed planted and wait to see if it bears fruit - it often does. But do try to keep it short.

OP, I feel for you. It reads to me like you've got a son problem. I would have a chat with him, maybe over a pint or something. Don't mention dil - it's not her job to facilitate contact with you. I would keep it light, ask after him, let him know you both miss him and would love to see him or them more (be open about it). Maybe suggest doing something together.

Re. Mother's Day - I would have a look online and see what's on. If there's an evening thing on somewhere, maybe suggest to him that you all do that and you go halves on it as his present to his Mum.

As for the inheritance, I can understand your feelings on this, but, please don't ever speak of it. Please do bear in mind the damage it could cause to sibling relationships if you treat them differently in this way.

I would take her a drink and biscuit outside

I've got to be honest, so would I!

I have a similar SIL. SIL did some pretty crappy things, lots of isolating behaviour etc culminating in something our mother found unforgivable. So said brother is dis-inherited as mum wont let dil have by default a penny of her money. Some will go to their kids though. My brother is aware but we are pretty sure he has not told his wife. We are all very low contact these days.

It sounds like you love your son very much and miss spending time with him.
Family rifts can last a life time so if I was in your position I would take a couple of steps back take a few deep breaths and find a middle ground.
If you can be accommodating on mother’s day I would try and also on the back of that if it’s going to be too tricky for you maybe ask to see them/him at a different time that’s easier for you.
Im a female who’s married with both sides of our families being tricky. I would like my parents in law to include me but not put too much pressure on us. I would also be happy for my husband to see his family separately from me.
It’s really lovely you gave them financial help with a property they are very lucky however bringing this up could make them feel the money came attached with conditions instead of being a kind helpful gift. You sound like a caring dad good luck with it and warm wishes to you.

This reminds me of my brother and SIL, I'm so sorry. OP. In our family's case, I think things would have been better if my parents had dropped their expectations of what their relationship with my brother would be like, and worked on what they actually had with him, being honest with themselves about what he wanted (The monthly dinner does sound like a bit controlling TBH.) and concentrating on other more rewarding aspects of their lives. But also it would have been better if they'd set boundaries on not being treated rudely or disrespectfully - your DIL sitting in the car outside your house would definitely fall into that category! As it was, they were constantly hurt with my mother enduring it all in case she lost contact altogether and my father being disappointed but not wanting to make matters worse for her by exploding. And my brother and DIL always holding out their hands but never giving back, acting like every visit was a generosity on their part and constantly bundling up a list of grievances to justify their bad behaviour. Good luck, I do hope you find a way through this.

Mmm, I can see why you feel hurt. I do think that naturally daughters are closer to their own parents than they are to their parents-in-law, and maybe she has picked up in your resentment and disappointment with her? The first years of my marriage I felt resentful of my Sister in Law for clearly being closer to her Mum (my m-i-l) than I was, if that makes sense, but as the years have gone on we have all had a much better relationship by just taking things as they come, enjoying each others company, and not comparing time spent with us/them. Make it clear they will always be welcome in your home in whatever capacity and you will always be delighted to see them. And show it. Try not to alienate your son as his loyalty will now naturally lie with his new wife. In life we always want to spend time with those we truly like. Make them really want to spend that time with you.

No it isn’t. It means that women favour their birth family over the one they marry into and their husbands follow suit. And we see the evidence of that on MN every day of the week. Mils are the lowest of the low.

It is absolutely sexist old shit, and if women were not expected to be the relationship managers for two families the situation you describe would simply not arise as husbands would manage their own family relationships.

We don't see "evidence" on MN, we see the threads where the relationship is strained, often by mismatching expectations. As long as those relationships are seen as the domain of women the strains will appear to be between the women in both families.

If you don't want your sons to stop being a close part of your family raise them to take responsibility for the relationships in their family rather than assume a woman will do the work.

Good post @C8H10.

Reverse it. How often do we see a son in law criticised for not supporting his wife’s relationship with her own parents? Never. Happy to be corrected.

How often do we see a son in law criticised for not supporting his wife’s relationship with her own parents? Never.

This.

It isn’t “sexist old shit”. It’s reality. How often do we see “you’ve got a DH problem” when a man’s attempts to manage his familial relationship doesn’t suit his partner - or MN? Every single day. Men are only expected to manage the relationship with their families in exactly the way their partners think they should.

Fantastic post C8H10
Totally sexist shit and the new wife is always blamed for the sons lack of relationship with his own parents.

Bit of a contradiction there Also
If the DH dealt with his relationships effectively there wouldnt be a problem.

If the DH dealt with his relationships the way his wife thinks he should there wouldnt be a problem.

There, fixed that for you.

I should say I have a friend where the gf of her son will not let her in the house. My friend has to sit in her car outside the flat with her son . She finds it incredibly upsetting. However the gf’s parents are always welcome.

Nope Also
Its usually PIL who are behaving really badly to the DiLand the DH does nothing.

There's a reason why the son didn't introduce his now DW to his parents 'for a long time'. He doesn't seem interested in including them in his life, he doesn't prioritise his relationship with them and he doesn't particularly want them to 'to enjoy my son's his life and future'. It's not the DIL's fault that he's disengaged from them.

if women were not expected to be the relationship managers for two families the situation you describe would simply not arise as husbands would manage their own family relationships.

I think you see lots of these issues on MN simply by the nature of the board, its mostly for problems. Those with no issue don't bother with MN and lots of men do manage their relationships, with their family, their wife, their children but why would we hear about them as they won't be here.

Exactly Big
I have a great relationship with mine -nothing to write about there!

i have a great relationship with mine -nothing to write about there!

If that’s the case, why do you say

Its usually PIL who are behaving really badly to the DiLand the DH does nothing

And why are you so vociferous on this thread?

Mate, you are on the worst possible forum. Every other post here is about how much the poster hates their in-laws. You could be Ghandi and Mother Teresa and the contributers will still blame you. Try a different forum buddy.