To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I hugely overestimated how difficult the baby stage would be. Expected to be sleep-deprived, no life any more etc. Both mine have been really easy babies though, so I've been VERY lucky, and as a result I was pleasantly surprised!

The toddler/pre-schooler stage however is just pure hell on Earth for me

I actually thought it would be way worse than it was. Once we got over a 6 week stay in NNICU, then a month of colic, most of the baby bit wasn’t so bad.

Two was a bit grisly, three was a different array of shit, but the tantrumming belligerent toddler never darkened our door.

Maybe because we were dealing with disability we didn’t sweat the small stuff, maybe because everyone had told me how bad it was going to be I had over-imagined the problems. I don’t know why it turned out like that.

I dont think anyone truly knows till you've done it. Plus depends in your kids I have a boy who's an angel and a girl who's like a living tornado.

I really wish my Gran was still around to ask her how she coped with 13 children. I suspect it's because the older ones helped with the younger ones (which is what my mum remembers)

OP. I havent gone through all the pages but I saw you had a bit of a hard time when making statements about having children when you havent had your own.

I was like this. Had looked after friends children, nieces, nephews, god daughter on multiple occasions. Thought I had a good handle on what it was like to have kids..... I was very very wrong.. honestly you can go through every consideration but nothing truly prepares you.

Like pp have said, every child is different and you have no idea If they will be easy or have health or behavioural difficulties.

I had such ideas like... I wont just plop mine in front of the telly... but the reality is that on a daily basis i just need time to tidy up or have a wee.

Both of my girls have been different so far and I know this is shaping their personality for later in life.

Basically prepare for worst hope for best. And learn to breathe deep while counting to 10 because most children know and need to push all your buttons.. just to see if you will stick by them no matter what

I never know if people who go on about how much easier it is before they move have easier babies or harder toddlers than me - I suspect both!

I really get that you won't know what your experience will be until you have children yourself.

However I'm always amazed by people (especially women) who say 'no one tells you how hard it is'.

As a childfree woman, the subject of how difficult parenting is seems to dominate a lot of online and real world conversations, and is part of the reason I decided not to do it.

People might underestimate or not know what’s its like but must get past that as so many go on to have more. There’s very nice parts too for many.

OP. I havent gone through all the pages but I saw you had a bit of a hard time when making statements about having children when you havent had your own.

Yes that's the point though I'm expecting it to difficult beyond words so I don't understand why people come back with 'wait until you have them' blah blah

If I'd come on being smug saying it'll be easy then I'd get it but I'm saying quite the opposite.

Babies and toddlers I find easy, but underestimated how tedious a lot of it is, especially from 3 onwards. (that's years but also 3pm!)

Thought I would be naturally good at it because I've read some books :o it doesn't really work like that.

Struggled with lack of support for DC1 and lack of time and space to myself. Much easier with DC2 as I have a supportive partner this time.

Didn't think I would miss things like socialising, career - I do miss those and struggle with it. Hopefully should be getting a better balance there soon.

I don't think people are saying ha, it will be harder than you think! I think they are saying it's harder to understand than you think. Nobody is prepared for parenthood no matter how much they think they are. Something will always take you by surprise.

Something will always take you by surprise.
But that is life surely? I mean is working full-time what any of us thought it would be like when at school? Nothing is quite as you imagine it until you experience it. So doing a Saturday job when you are at school gives you an idea of working life. But it is not the same as having to go to work every day even if it is shit, so you can pay the bills.
From observation, those who really like a lot of control over their life seem to struggle more with becoming parents.

You think you know what it will be like
Then you become a parent

But it isn’t just the relentless and overwhelming responsibility that hits you and changes your life beyond recognition it is also that you feel a love and sense of sheer wonder that is unique: in my moments where my three are almost breaking me or the life of being a parent is I just stop and look at them or go and hold them - they are only young - and I instantly understand why I did this and why it is this way.

They are my entire world and so I take all the shit stuff like lack of sleep, no money loads of worry. It is a tiny trade off for the immense love and joy they bring me and the bonds we share. When I die their three hopeful beautiful little faces will be right there in my mind I hope, and I will know my life was a one well lived because of them

C00kiesandCr3am is right though. She's not being superior, she's being honest. Nothing can prepare you for parent hood. No disrespect to you OP but parent hood will be a shock to both you and your DH as neither of you really know about the realities of it and being around young children is nothing compared to having your own. I was a nursery nurse for a number of years and I thought I knew it all. I was soooooo wrong. I had no idea. It's a 24/7 job, no holidays, no days off, no sick days. Nothing can prepare you for sleep deprivation, the anxiety. I've got a cold st the moment and I've been sent home sick from work but I've got a three year old at home so there'll be no rest for me. It's when you've got a stomach bug but unless you've got someone who can do the school run for you, you'll be doing it.

As for those experiences people have given you, they're not your experiences, they're the experiences of the women who gave them to you.

It's great to have an idea of what's it's like but be prepared for that to completely change once the reality is here.

"that's the point though I'm expecting it to difficult beyond words so I don't understand why people come back with 'wait until you have them' blah blah"

Because your expectation will be different to the reality.

I overestimated- pit it off and put it off as I was shit scared of it. Same for DH. We eventually cracked at 40 and 45 and absolutely love it. Not finding it anywhere near as hard as anticipated. It’s not easy, but it’s brilliant.

People try or want a baby. It is not a baby for long. That’s the easy part ime.

However it never ceases to amaze me how many people go on to have children who have never given it a minutes thought. When parents say 'I didn't realise it would be this exhausting/boring/relentless' I honestly feel like saying, 'REALLY? How did you never even consider this? Why do you think I don't want to do it!?

Because no ones knows what it's going to be like until it happens to them.

I do agree with the poster that some couples dont think about it. They have an "accident" and I put that in quite marks because usually they haven't used anything and seem surprised when they fall pregnant (I knew a few people that did this) then they go into with eyes closed because they haven't really thought about it.

I completely underestimated it. Just when you get used to them being a baby and think you are doing ok, they become toddlers. Then just when you think you have cracked the toddler stage they become pre-schoolers etc etc. Each stage brings its own massive learning curve.

My DS is currently being assessed for SN so that is an extra layer of tough. I don't know any different really though as DS is just DS to me. It's only when I see him in a gathering of his peers that I realise he is 'different'. I am so very glad that I have DH though - I don't know how I'd cope without him sometimes

I underestimated it a bit, but was also massively underestimating the many positive impacts children have.

Yes some parents don't seem to think about it at all. I remember one older mother saying to me I just realised by the time Oliver is 16 I will be x old. How will I cope?
How do you not work out how old you will be when your child gets to different ages?

In answer to your question though, I overestimate how hard the baby stage would be and underestimate the toddler stage (that's as far as I am now) i found my son easy until he could move and then it all got soooooo much harder

I didn’t understand the emotional challenges it would bring. The hormonal changes after birth, the fragility of a woman’s wellbeing following birth trauma and no chance to really recover because of chronic sleep deprivation etc
It has been such an emotional time for me. Wonderful, but so very challenging.
Nothing could’ve prepared me for it. And also I underestimated the mum guilt I get constantly even though I know my DD is thriving and happy, I sometimes just feel guilty for no reason at all, it’s very bizarre. Learning to manage those feelings has been hard. But there are so many amazing moments that were also better than I could’ve ever imagined 😊

You think you know what it will be like
Then you become a parent

One of the few women in real life I knew who admitted she shouldn't have had a child - had worked her entire life in early years settings or as a nanny. She also had two sets of grandparents close by who were always up for baby sitting and a very involved DH - the child was also an easy one. She thought she knew what it would be but hated the extra responsblity impact on her life.

It wasn't the children when really young I found hard - it was all the shit that happened on top of small kids - quiet a few house moves for work, illnesses, redundncies, car accidents.

Primary school years were hard than expected - children struggled and needed extra support school wasn't always prepared to provide - plus all the events they expected parents to attend.

I breezed through until the teenage years, which were the start of alot of problems, which went on for years, so a mixed bag for me! Many times I longed for those early carefree years. Anyway, I digress, as Pp says you don't really know until you become a parent yourself.

Pregnant with spontaneous twins ( not through fertility treatments) we don't have them in the family, and I don't meet any of the criteria that make it anymore likely we'd have them so a complete suprise ! I know it's going to be beyond tough , but I'm going to be positive and make the best of the situation we feel extremely blessed alongside knowing it's going to be really hard to cope with two at the same time ! I see alot of negativity online regarding having kids and the comments you get while being pregnant such as 'say goodbye to sleep for the next x years' etc is just annoying tbh I'm fully aware that I'll be a sleep deprived mess for the next couple of years thank you. I feel like with most things in life you can be positive and realistic about the situation.

It's early days on this journey but so far it's more or less what I imagined. Hard work but he doesn't cry as often as I thought he would which is nice.