To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I didn't underestimate any of it. What I didn't fully appreciate was that some fathers happily piss off and leave you quite literally holding the baby. I think I'm supposed to be gushingly appreciative though, that he does at least contribute financially, however for me help to juggle school/clubs/work is actually the more valuable aspect.

I think your experience depends on your child. I found the newborn bit easy because my DD was a very chilled baby. Everyone used to tell me about extreme tiredness but I never felt like that. When they start walking it's gets harder because you need eyes in the back of your head. For me being pregnant was by far the worst bit 🤮

I totally overestimated the baby stage. I'd had depression on and off since my teens so kind of thought I might have post natal. But I was really lucky, it was the happiest period of my life. Everything came easy, sleeping breastfeeding, weaning. Piece of piss.

Ah but I got cocky. When she was a toddler was fine as well but now shes 8 going on 18 and good lord I've raised a diva like minx. Answer for everything and she knows best. And the worst thing? She's me at the same age. If there's an afterlife my mom and dad are watching and laughing their arses off.

It's safe to say I'm more than dreading the teenage years.

I wish I'd known a bit more about roughly when things get easier. There's a series of big leaps forward at about 3-4-5 ish months when they start to go longer between feeds, when you get your evenings back, when you can start putting them down for naps at about the same time each day... I didn't know any of that and all the baby books and the HV and so on all focus on the skills your baby is learning, which is all heartwarming and lovely, but you just would like to know when you might be able to watch a whole 1 hour episode of television again, you know? Of course Mumsnet helps with all that.

I underestimated how much I would miss just being able to do something on a whim in the early days. And the whole early days thing, I couldn't imagine how hard it would be because I didn't have any contact with children until I had my two. I actually felt quite traumatised. I also underestimated how much love, duty and responsibility I would feel. I hope it doesn't sound patronising but being in the eye of the storm is different to observing it. And I don't mean that in a 'its so much harder' way. I mean it in a 'you might react and feel differently to how your rational brain would imagine you would ' way. That most probably doesn't make any sense. But I'm afraid I can't explain it any better

I don’t think I realised how hard the newborn stage is when you’re recovering from a very traumatic birth with lasting complications. But then no one really anticipates their birth to go catastrophically wrong.
I didn’t realise that some “babies“ don’t reach the sleeping through the night phase until they’re over 3.
I think a lot of people’s idea of having kids is based on how easy or hard other people’s kids are.

I found the newborn stage pretty easy, the teenage years, however, have been hell .

@Cloglover I’d forgotten about the “mourning my old life” stage.

Massively overestimated the baby stage! But I do think I’ve been very lucky with my little girl! The only problem I have had so far is she’s quite clingy to me (she’s currently 5 months) but other than that I’ve loved it! And that’s coming from someone who never wanted children

Underestimated how you are responsible for babies pretty much 24/7. You love them, get through it and wouldnt have it any other way. But it is relentless.

The hardest thing I found was the life-or-death responsibility, day and night, with no time off even if you're ill. Add to that a complete lack of family support - I had no siblings, my husband worked away an awful lot, and the only relatives I might have called on were either too far away, too old and infirm, or too dead. What really annoyed me was the number of people (mostly politicians) who don't seem to regard parenting as real work. If I were ever invited to appear on Room 101, top of my list would be the phrase "non-working mother", together with anyone who uses it.

I think I had a pretty realistic idea - what I did underestimate was how much I’d live them all. Also I sort of thought that it was job done once they were 18 - but my eldest two are 19 and 21, it’s never job done - at uni, broken laptop, no money. Other one at uni, broken heart, can’t focus. It just goes on and on. The two younger ones at 9 and 12 are a breeze.

Sp*love.

I think the actual experience depends on your baby and family support you have. SIL and BIL have a baby a few months younger than ours who is bf and used to sleep 7 to 7 with BIL now doing all night feed (yes, he’s at work and SIL is on maternity leave) and they go out weekly without baby. We have a baby with allergies who is ebf from source, now has a little bit of food so I can’t imagine when we will get to go out again with at least the baby. Baby is chilled but will only sleep on my and occasional DH. It’s the relentlessness that I find hard and Knowing it always down to me. This second child and my experience is completely different to my first.

I massively underestimated the after school club stage! I have cubs, scouts, guides, football- training one evening and a match on Saturday morning and two clubs the eldest does after school meaning I have to collect her rather than her catching the bus! It's exhausting, worse than a newborn 😢

I massively underestimated the after school club stage! I have cubs, scouts, guides, football- training one evening and a match on Saturday morning and two clubs the eldest does after school meaning I have to collect her rather than her catching the bus! It's exhausting, worse than a newborn

I agree...at least with a new born you can sit on the sofa and watch tv!

You’re right but the really funny things is you think you know how hard it is because as you say you’re around little kids, and yet you STILL don’t know how hard it is

The main thing I underestimated was how gut wrenchingly terrifying it is to have that part of you in the world and not being able to protect them 24/7 forever. My mind wanders to scarier places than it ever could have before children. But on a lighter note, the absolute blessing of having one (nearly two) after a truly terrible journey to get to this point, completely outweighs the fear.

I completely underestimated, even though my baby was a “good baby” in terms of crying, sleeping etc. I underestimated every single stage lol. But enjoyed nonetheless.

I think I estimated about right, but got a very difficult first baby, so it was harder than I was ready for. If my second or third had come first I would have been reasonably braced. But unless you have experienced extreme sleep deprivation for some reason before parenthood, like the CIA renditioned you to Guantanamo, there is no way to prepare for that.

I underestimated the baby stage. I'd read every book and dreamed of having a baby for 6 years before we did. Unfortunately dd hadn't read those books. She cried more than I'd ever imagine.

I then had dc 2 and 3 - twins! They were easier than dd1.

Now they're older, parenting is what I expected but yes the baby bit was tough.

I definitely underestimated the baby stage but TBF none of my friends have witnessed a screamer like my eldest. He purple angry cried about 16 hours a day and only slept 1 hour max at a time . Turned out he had silent reflux diagnosed at week 8. He was a fair bit better after that but still had to sleep upright. Which meant me sleeping upright in bed holding him etc etc. Was a nightmare and led to a pretty clingy toddler. He's a pretty epic 7 year old now thankfully. You can never imagine how hard it will be until its you IMO. Although people warn you, you never imagine how much you second guess yourself and beat yourself up if you are doing the right thing as your baby screams or has a sleep regression and you are on mums net at 4am seeking the answers 😂

I'm only 8 months in, but I massively underestimated how hard breastfeeding would be and how that would affect me. I wasn't expecting to feel so terrible about the prospect of not being able to do it. It's only down to sheer stubbornness that I'm still breastfeeding now.

I found the newborn stage pretty awful and feel like I'm only just starting to feel like my old self again. I didn't have a chance to recover from a traumatic labour and my baby didn't like being put down, so I felt trapped. I couldn't get my head round slings despite multiple visits to a sling library and my baby hated the pram. I couldn't see it ever getting better but it has and things are less bleak now.

I'm now in the weaning stage which I thought would be fun but I underestimated how exhausting clearing up food that you've prepared only for it to be thrown on the floor would be...

The sleep deprivation is still hard, and I sometimes feel frustrated about my lack of freedom. I still feel like a 'new mum' - when will that end?!

Yes x500!!!
I still get that from some relatives. "Oh, it wasn't that hard when we had kids, you must be doing something wrong if it's hard for you."

Nothing ever prepared me for the necessity of be constantly aware of what someone other than me is doing all the time. And the lack of sleep.
It's not a coincidence that so many parents split up when the kids are young.
Sooo bloody hard on everything - your health, your partner's health, your finances, the lack of down time for months, sometimes years.

But you can't be prepared for it.
Even if you've worked as a nanny or so, when your working times finishes, it's your own time. With a family your time never comes!
However, it not all soon and gloom, there are breathtaking moments as well that will make you forget about the other bits. At least for a while.

Underestimated how pregnancy would affect me big time. My plan was to have a career break to have my babies and study for a degree at the same time It is funny when I think about it now ...