To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

I over estimated it with my DS, he was calm, independent and generally ahead, I’m the oldest of 10 cousins on one side so I’ve always been around little kids and some of them were crazy, so I was preparing myself with DS, he’s 12 now and has autism but generally he’s independent despite the difficulties he faces he generally does okay.
So because did had such an easy life with DS I underestimated parenting 2 when I had dd, how wrong was I, she challenges me everyday, she’s generally complete opposite to my DS. Even though I love her to bits she drives me absolutley crazy. Whoever said boys were worse than girls 😬 she’s only 7 so I fear the teenage years 😩

You won’t know whether you’ve under estimated how hard it is yet OP. Come back and tell us what you think when you have DC.

I under estimated how utterly life consuming having a baby would be. Same with the toddler stage. I’ve found it a bit easier now DS is a bit older but now there are a million and one other things for me to worry about, most of which are out of my control.

I think however I over estimated how hard single parenthood would be though. Having said that I was pretty much a single parent even when I was with DS’s father, and I was having to parent him as well.

The hardest part for me is having no days off, ever. Even on the rare childfree night I get I’m still thinking about DS, worrying about him, wondering how he is, worrying if I can’t get in touch etc. There are no sick days, no annual leave and you can’t just cut back on parenting costs when money is tight. They still need feeding, clothing and to be kept warm at the very least.

When you have DC your life will never be the same again. I think it’s hard to invisage what that will be like even if you are used to DC and well prepared. One of the things I often hear from grandparents is ‘it’s lovely when you can hand them back.’ I used to think this was them being misery gutses but now I know what they mean. You can’t possibly know or predict how entirely having DC will change your life until you have them.

I haven't found it particularly hard tbh. I had a bit of a hard time immediately after dc2's birth, as he had to have surgery and I was unwell. But the actual parenting hasn't been very hard. My two were easy babies and toddlers. They are 11 and 14 now. The 14yo has her moments, but certainly not a nightmare teen so far, though I realise we have a way to go yet. They are good kids and good company.

I underestimated the never-ending laundry, and the sheer unrelenting boredom of the toddler 'Mummy play with me!' stage (there are only so many times you want to sit on the floor to play tea parties with an assortment of teddy bears and random plasticoids, and some water in a miniature teapot).

Oh and the 'routine' that all the so-called experts go on about? Ha! Nobody told the baby. It takes weeks for you to actually get into something vaguely resembling a routine, and the minute you think you're finally getting somewhere the baby goes and moves the goalposts. A few more weeks to get into another different routine, and they go and do it again.

Wouldn't have missed it for the world though

I overestimated the baby stage. Although I had twins, it was helped by bottle feeding as they were in NICU for three weeks and came out fully trained on bottles and wouldn't BF, so 4 hourly feeds from the start! They were really easy until they got mobile - slept through pretty quickly and never disrupted my sleep after that, even when teething. Think I was very lucky - I was in my 40s and everyone said having babies was hard, but it really wasn't.

It got harder as they got more mobile and moved in different directions - but the 2s and 3s were hardest as DS turned out to have ASD and was very hard work. Same through primary school - I certainly never expected the hard work and hassle but he's improved so much and now he's at secondary I don't think he's much more work than his NT sister (although there are still certain constraints, obviously).

So in summary - I think overestimated the baby stage, and underestimated the toddler and primary years (though not for DD - she was easy). Who knows what teenage years will bring....

I underestimated. And I adopted so I had preparation courses and home studied & voluntary work with children (as well as working with children professionally). I absolutely underestimated both the good times & the bad. But parenting is still what I was born to do & my son is my reason for living.

I underestimated nothing

I completely underestimated the baby stage, the toddler stage. KS1 stage and the teen stage. There are about 5 years in the middle there when they're ok...

I underestimated how hard kids were when they got to be 18. I thought parenting would be over then. Hahahahahaha.

Underestimated everything, it was traumatic. I advise you to expect the worst!! Kidding not kidding

I love my DD with every fibre of my being but my fucking god did I underestimate it all

She's 2 now and it's hard work being a mum and the life style changes and everything actually that has changed

But. I wouldn't change it now for the world

I thought it was hard work. But didn’t realise how hard a fussy baby with reflux could be. Wanting to be held all day long, and fussing when held, can’t eat or sleep when you want. Can’t shower or sit on toilet when you want either. I find it difficult with the crying etc. Basically not being able to have a baby that can sit there and look around for a bit was hard. But second time around I had an easier baby. So it’s really just the luck of the draw! Now third time in I’ve got a mixture of my two. You never know what your going to get.

Yes I underestimated it. But DC1 has SN so could be down to that. DC2 is NT and has been much more like I was expecting. Hard in some ways but nothing like DC1.

Every time an aunt had a baby I was sent to stay "to help". So many years experience of handling children of all ages, sometimes the babies but usually the siblings so aunt could concentrate on the baby.

I still underestimated how hard it would be. Though at least some of that could be because of how unhelpful dh was (hindering and demanding, in fact); but also because ms was developing and my child was over 3 by the time I was dx. It was all very difficult.

Completely underestimated how amazing it is, and overestimated how hard a baby will be. Was always told how horrible having children is (by own mother) so I'm pleasantly surprised.

@Nillynally refreshing to hear

I sort of overestimated the baby stage. I didn't think it sounded particularly hard tbh (although lots of people said it was), so I wasn't that surprised when I found it was actually fine. I mean they didn't (and still don't) sleep well, and so weren't 'easy' in that regard, but I didn't think that would cause me too many problems as I'm quite used to a lack of sleep, and I thought I'd just be able to strap them onto me and get on with life, and I pretty much was able to, so that was good.

The toddler years I anticipated to be hard, and they are about what I thought. Challenging moments, but feels very worthwhile overall IMO. So I don't think I over or under estimated them.

After this, who knows. Time will tell.

Oh that's so true as well - I had no idea how amazing it would be! We've all been thinking about the practical side but I bet every single PP would add that it's totally wonderful, and the love you feel for your children really does transcend everything that comes before.

….Not necessarily when you're sleep deprived and they are playing up and whatever else, but hopefully most of us would see it as an overall positive….even if only in hindsight.....

I don’t think anything on earth can equip you for it as you do not know the temperaments of your future children.

The baby stage despite the lack of sleep I found easy, but now they are young adults, watching them make life choices I know they will regret is the hardest issue I have had.

I underestimated everything. I didn't mentally prepare for it at all. I didn't know that once you're a mum your entire life will literally never be even remotely the same again. I underestimated how little of myself would be left over. And how every decision I make depends on my dc. I did also underestimate how much I would utterly love and adore my babies and how much pure joy can come from just looking at them being themselves.

I overestimated the baby stage, mine all slept well at night but very active during the day.
All four have caused us the usual problems growing up. They are all adults now in their 30's and I was not prepared how much they would "need" us as adults, and sometimes Ifeel they over involve myself and DH in their problems. But I would say we are a very close family.
I love and get on well with their partners, all of them are very precious to me

I don’t remember having feelings either way. I wanted children, and went with it. I’ve got an adult son, teen son and a younger Daughter. Things were different when I had my first. People didn’t overthink so much. I do worry now that people are obsessed with “me time” and that’s just not usually the reality, especially when you don't have much support from family.

When you have children, I think you just have to change your mind set. It can be hard, but then that’s life, isn’t it?

Each stage doesn’t last long really. You just need to relax and go with it. I look back now, and there are times that were challenging, but so many times that were bloody amazing!

Underestimate wouldn’t even begin to describe it. I was naive about every aspect from completely sacrificing my freedom and independence to the torture of sleep deprivation & ‘real’ tiredness, the devastating effect it would have on my body, the loss of spontaneity, the endless and unrelenting guilt, fear and worry & the baffling amount of time it would take to just leave the house in the early days.

I also hadn’t anticipated the primal, all encompassing, overwhelming, insanely fierce love I would feel for this tiny person (forever) or how I would feel everything they felt forever too - happy, sad, hurt, upset.. or how intense the joy could be from every smile or achievement they made or every time they randomly say they love you & wrap their tiny arms around you!

All the sacrifices & compromises & total loss of me in the early years was all worth it. I had two non-sleepers with both for the first two years with both so was on the edge of sanity for a bit both times, but they were both gorgeous easy smily fun toddlers, fun & engaging well mannered happy primary age kids...

However, the thing I underestimated/hadn’t even crossed my mind when I thought ‘hey, let’s have a baby!’ was the teenage years. Luckily that whole fierce love thing wins out most of the time (you might not believe me if you saw the morning battles, or the bedtime ones, or the ‘but everybody else’s parents let’s them go festivals alone/buys them designer clothes/gets them the latest iPhone/doesn’t ask where the party is/doesn’t need to know who they are staying overnight with/pays for all their nights out/doesn’t care if they revise for their GCSEs....’ conversations, let alone the fact that you’d think I’d ordered him to climb Everest in a tutu when I asl him to unload the dishwasher!).

I’m fairly sure my lovely, kind, affectionate, funny, articulate little boy is still inside the monosyllabic eye rolling 6,5” ‘Kevin’ that lurks in his room - I see flashes of him when he forgets I’m soooo embarrassing & uncool & accidentally laughs at a joke or has fun doing something with us (far away from anywhere friends could see him hanging out with his parents) or gives me an awkward hug or mumbles ‘love you too’ from behind his too long fringe when I tell him I love him - but bloody hell its hard work! He’s so lovely with other adults too, just saves the exasperating, batshit nonsense shit for me.

I’m holding on to the insight from the pp about teens being hell but adult kids lovely...nearly there (then the other one will hit puberty & we’ll have to brace ourselves again!)..,

Of course people do! If they knew what it was like no one would do it!! 😂
I was warned by colleagues how hard it can be. I secretly thought it was rubbish and they mustn't be doing it right.
Ahem, say no more.

The thing is, you don't know what kind of kids you're going to get, or how many. It's therefore impossible to estimate how hard or easy it's going to be.

As things turned out, I was blessed with one very easy dd who has been a joy from babyhood through to the teenage years. DD seems to sail through life, doing well at everything, making lots of friends and generally being happy. Sheer luck on our part, and it has made parenting very easy. Secondary infertility meant that we never had another, which turned out to be the best thing for our family, so all in all, we've had a very easy ride.

One of my closest friends set out to have an only child, but was surprised by baby number two in her mid forties, when her first child was around ten. My friend is a fantastic parent, and older daughter is a caring and intelligent girl, but she is also very complex and has faced a lot of challenges - there has been a non-stop series of issues that they have had to deal with over the years, from physical illness to bullying to self harm to teenage pregnancy, and my friend's mental health has really suffered. Meanwhile, she struggles to find the energy to keep up with the little one, who is very demanding in a totally different way.

I don't think either of us could have predicted how things would turn out. My journey has been much easier than hers, for no very obvious reason. So unless you have a crystal ball, you're simply not going to know what life might throw at you.