To think most people massively underestimate what's involved with parenting?

[Soph7777]

Just that really. I haven't got kids I hope to in the near future but I have a lot of young kids around me so never once underestimated how hard it is.

A lot of people seem to just go into it without giving much thought, and then sometimes end up disappointed.

A question to those who have had kids - did you underestimate or overestimate how hard it would be?

Every baby/ child is different and none of them have read the manual, so while you might have a decent idea of the headlines (babies= sleep deprivation, toddlers= tantrums, primary school= endless questions, teenagers= moody hormones) you don't know what living with that particular little human will be like, and even siblings can be totally different.

Some children are more complex than others. DS got his autism diagnosis at 8, no wonder I found the toddler years hell! Plus I had a new born baby DS2 in the mix. Fortunately most of the time, DS2 is very straight forwards, sunny and goes with the flow as the pace of life is strongly influenced by DS1's needs.

The early years would have been easier if DS1 had a manual detailing the allergies that took 6m to diagnose, and the sensory needs (bottle refusing, clothes, environments like supermarkets) hindsight is a wonderful thing, but we've ploughed on. Life with DS2 is reasonably imaginable in comparison. They're both totally adorable though and I've always done my best that I could at the time.

It's the 24 hour responsibility which is tiring 😂 lots of rewarding parts but very hard. Especially if you suffer with mental health issues like myself.

Sorry I can't say it in RL as pretty much all of my friends find it hard and don't seem to enjoy it like I do.

I never underestimated what it would be like when the children were younger, everybody rams the terrible twos down your throat, but I loved it all and never really found it hard. What I did underestimate was teenagers ! I really thought I would be the cool mum that knew everything and always had the answer to help them etc. I am not, I know nothing of what they get up to, I guess because I am not stupid, I can see through the lies etc. I am just disappointed that they feel they have to lie. I blame social media 😂😂😂 Teenagers are bloody hard work.

Thank you @geranium86

Yup, I completely underestimated it but I think I just thought well enough people do it and manage so...
I’ve learned that these little people are equally the most frustrating and most amazing parts of my life. It’s a love like no other. I wonder if I had truly understood the amount of self sacrifice (your body, time, sleep etc) whether I would have done it.
I’m so glad I did.

Have a job that involves working with children so didn't underestimate but..... DD 2 has complex SEN. Nothing picked up until after birth. Nothing could have prepared me for how challenging that has been and continues to be. She still doesn't sleep through at 8 and we have very little support.

You are right to say people totally underestimate it!! I was clueless and had a selfish lifestyle before kids which really floored me! Other parents don't tell you the truth cos if they did it would be the death of the human race as no-one would ever have kids full stop. If the truth be known its hard physical labour until they are at least 3 and thats a killer!! Its also unrelenting with little sleep, no time to yourself and constant "mummy mummy mummy". You still love them though!! 💘

Honestly, my 2 kids are so different, we joke they are like light and day, even though my son is only 8 months old. I completely overestimated how hard he would be as I compared him to his sister, and we joke he is the easiest baby ever.

I've often heard 'God (other deities are available ) gives you what you can cope with'. I think there's some truth in that as I'm someone who REALLY hates having their sleep disturbed, and that was always my biggest worry. Luckily my two slept through from early on and I can count my disturbed nights (in 11 years) on probably two hands....

I've had other issues - ASD, poo smearing, disruption and fights at school, friendship problems...etc...etc.... but maybe those were things I'm better able to deal with?

That said - I'm sure 99.999% of us are all great parents doing our absolute best, and we do all, somehow, seem to cope with the challenges. Many have coped with far more than I can imagine - serious health issues, single parenting, all sorts - but at the end of the day we get there and I hope that most of us would say it was all worth it.....!

It would be naive for anyone to think they could even begin to understand an iota of what being a parent is like until they become a parent. So yes. I think we ALL underestimate what’s involved with becoming parents. Me included, and I had cared for my late partner through his terminal illness in similar ways you care for a baby.

The only thing I underestimated was how much shit you have to get together before leaving the house!

I loved the baby stage - found it a doddle. From toddler to about 8 I’ve found it incredibly fucking challenging to the point of near insanity. From 8 or 9 onwards, it’s been a doddle again. Massively underestimated the lot!! But I’d not be without either of mine. Lovely little buggers ❤️

I dont have kids but i was an only child,a happy one,never wanted siblings,but i know if i had had children i would have only have had one.I fail to understand why anyone wants more,theres nothing wrong with being an only child and i never missed siblings.Loads of people dont get on with theirs do they.I dont think people often realise what having a child is like and how it changes your life,so im amazed people do it more than once,

PhilipJennings

^^.. I resonate a lot with everything you say.

For me:

Newborn stage was just horrendous : I kept wondering how could anyone be responsible for something so vulnerable? And, where was all the help I was supposed to be receiving? No-one helped. I just felt overwhelmed most of the time and worried to death.

Weaning : awful with DS. He kept gagging /choking. Awful. DD was an easy weaner.

Kids are now 3 and 6: I've learnt to keep things simple. No long trips no massive fancy theme parks mo restaurants. Parks, walks, bikes, crafts, but if cooking with the kids. I'm not trying to be something I'm not.

It is absolutely relentless. It really is. The meals, the laundry, the sleep, the tantrums, the constant feeling to be a good parent, not swear, always be consistent, etc etc.

See, I thought that was one of the shittest bits of having a newborn - all he wanted to do was feed and from a very early age he wouldn't feed in a distracting place, and he also wanted to take all his naps on me. I felt like I was under house arrest but even worse because during house arrest you are allowed around the whole house, not just pinned boringly to the sofa!

^^

Agreed. DD was like this - a homebody. With DS I used to walk miles with him, he'd sleep and I march around town, stopping for a nice quiet coffee ☕

@oxoxoxoxo thank you so much for your response ! It's great to read your story ! I've been feeling alot of pressure to breastfeed and you've made me feel alot better if that doesn't work out for us :) we are having two boys and have been really hoping they will be best friends so great to read about your little ones sharing all those experiences so exciting !

OP just want to say thank you for starting this thread.

There are many days when I feel like I am failing my girls because the house is a mess, or I havent done colouring with them etc etc but some of the comments on here are helping me to realise that it's ok. Both girls are healthy and mostly happy (save a few tantrums when they cant have icecream for breakfast lunch and dinner)

Also to @alloutlffucks your comment that people who like to be in control find parenting harder has really resonated with me. Due to anxiety I like to know exactly what's going on and when. I hadnt put this together with the days I struggle when the toddler changes their mind on what food they like, or doesnt want to get their shoes on when I want to get out the door within my timescale.

There are days when I can really chill out about stuff but for some reason hadnt connected these dots.

Doesnt mean to say there will be hard days but seeing It should make it easier to cope with.

Also one thing I have noticed with toddlers is they are cranky as hell when they havent eaten properly!

I have 4 girls 18 - 6 yrs old and find myself riddled with guilt constantly. I am not the perfect mother running from club to club, planning fun activities and generally being super organised! However, I do not regret having them and love them fiercely and they love me too (although the 2 teenagers and I butt heads often) 😃

Unpopular view, but it isn’t difficult, special needs the exception.

I think a lot of people like to pretend that it is.

I agree with you, OP. I don’t think everyone can fathom how hard it can be.

I assumed it was hell and didn’t want any. Fell pregnant accidentally (something I never accepted could happen, stupidly). The baby stage was as difficult as I thought, but what I underestimated was the power of ‘Mother Nature’, my instinct to care for her was so strong I could sense when she was crying in another room on a different floor when my husband was looking after her and I was supposed to be sleeping with white noise on full blast. It was crazy!

Now she’s one and I still struggle at times, my whole life has been turned upside down and I have no close friends in the same situation. But I love her intensely and look forward to the future and seeing her grow. Just hope I can do a good job. So far she’s a happy soul on the whole.

I thought it would be hard but I had no idea how hard - I thought I was at least partly prepared for my one baby as I’d been looking after baby twins one day a week. But hadn’t twigged that that was only eight hours a day and I was only looking after them and not doing anything else! Oops

I really hated the baby stage, especially newborn. Breastfeeding had been really bigged up as ‘natural, free, all women can do it’, that video of the baby crawling up the mum to latch on for the first time. The reality was so different and so awful (breastfeeding problems made my baby seriously ill and gave me PND). The relentlessness of it was horrendous and awful.

I think I’d also anticipated we’d have more help. As an active member of a church and with my mum keen to be a hands on granny. Again, the reality didn’t match up - no one visited us, no one brought us meals or offered to help out. We just ended up incredibly isolated.

It’s a lot more fun now she’s 4yo but still relentless. I suppose I remember being single and thinking there was a lot on for families to do, and now I’ve realised it’s more about survival as you have to be out doing stuff - last week the weather was awful and pre-child we’d have stayed in bed and read books. Now we had to find something active for her to do to burn off some energy!

I underestimated how hard it would be without friends and family close by to support and how not sleeping much for over 2.5 years would ruin me.

“Unpopular view, but it isn’t difficult, special needs the exception.

I think a lot of people like to pretend that it is.”

I’m curious as to why you think people would want to pretend?

I mean, there are loads of things I don’t find difficult but I believe those who say they do