Oh love..oh darling..oh bless you...

[saraclara]

Where has this come from? Why are people starting responses to OPs with this sort of sugary stuff when they don't know the OP from Adam?

I get that they're trying to be nice, but it makes me feel vomity.

(Also anyone responding to this OP that way just to wind me up... I am SO not your darling and I WILL hunt you down )

I'm not being unreasonable to hate it, am I?

So Eugenes when someone posts "Oh OP I am so sorry your child has died" they are being condescending ?

To be fair, that’s OK because it’s attached to real feelings. It’s when people have ‘Oh OP.’ on its own, somehow. The point is, 9/10 times I see that in a post it rankles a little with me.

My friend will always use the words hun, love and aww bless in every single text message. It drives me mad, especially as she doesn't talk like that and it just sounds fake.

I don't think it's ever happened to me on MN, but in real life when people call me love or say oh bless you and other endearments etc, it always makes me feel happy and cared about. I am a bit of a loser I guess.

I can't say things like that without sounding like a twat so I don't, but I like it when people say them to me.

And while we’re at it I’m getting sick of posters who keep reminding us to ‘be kind’.

this thread will now have made a lot of people who have posted the odd endearment in the spirit of kindness and compassion, feel stupid and maybe less inclined to be nice to strangers on here in the future. That, to me, is as sad as fuck

It’s perfectly possible to be nice, kind and compassionate without resorting to trite, gushy, patronising cliches. They sound insincere and over familiar.

We were invaded several months ago because something happened at the other place.

MN has been irreparably changed beyond recognition.

You just have to scroll past the shit with a big eye roll.

Or bugger off somewhere else.

I know not where.

What happened at the other place? This has totally passed me by.

They sound insincere and over familiar

Or maybe it depends where about in the UK (or elsewhere) you are from? In Yorkshire, we say "oh love" or "bless you" with genuine feeling. Mostly because we don't have much time for the concept of "overfamiliarity". We just call it "being friendly". If you find it insincere, I think that says a lot about the tendency of people you know to be insincere. Up here, it rarely happens.

Starting a thread to complain about what friendly, sympathetic and empathic posters say to people reaching out for support, because you don't like the language they use, is the height of self involved OP.

Why would anyone care or moderate their behaviour on account of the few weird people on this thread who don't recognise and are so mistrusting of genuine niceness?

What a bizarre thread. I agree with @Russellbrandshair.

There's something else going on here that OP @saraclara hasn't commented on. Maybe she herself doesn't feel this way, but I'm going to discuss how I've seen others behave.

I think there is a nasty, silly thing in British society amongst certain folk, where being openly kind and warm to strangers is considered less sophisticated and somehow lower in class.

Bear with me - I don't personally think this, I actually cringe at the thought - but I have seen it. I will also use "class" terms on this post to quickly explain my thoughts despite hating old class system etc.

I have worked with people, I can think of three in particular, who come from ordinary comfortable backgrounds and have decent enough jobs. They send emails and messages that are almost comically terse, as if they're the CEO with no time for pleasantries - and without fail, all three won't acknowledge people who they think aren't worthy of their time.

Person X made me laugh at work a couple of weeks ago. Receptionist on desk said "Have a great evening take care see you tomorrow" in a cheery way; I reciprocated but X just looked over and smiled thinly, then walked out. This was one of a dozen times she did this that month, and had nothing to do with personal life, mood, or anything else.

Some people just seem to despise warmth and equate it with a lower echelon or mentality. It's why some Northern folk are described with wondrous amazement by some of my Southern friends as "bubbly" or "down to earth".

I strongly believe there is a segment of UK society who want to differentiate from "Huns" as a point of sophistication rather than sentiment. Ugh.

@GinDaddy totally agree. Sadly, their behaviour immediately marks them out as having no class or grace, and as desperate middle class wannabes.

Ironically, the few people I know who are aristocracy, are really warm and friendly. One "huns" with abandon. And hugely looks down on middle class wannabes as being rude snobs with few manners As she says, it isn't about money, it's about manners and breeding and treating everyone well.

It's not fair to just blanket criticise people who use expressions such as 'oh love' and 'oh darling'. They are taking the time to respond to someone who is possibly in distress and that's just their way of showing that the person's dilemma has touched them, evoked an emotional response.

It's not how I would respond, but everyone is different. For what it's worth, I often imagine a very kindly agony aunt type who cares about people and genuinely wants to help. That's not to say that people who don't use these expressions don't care, but it's better than some of the brutal replies from people on here who lack empathy and think people should just pull themselves together.

I hope, OP, that some posters get the tone just right for you.

Using darling, babe and hun with your girlfriends is a different thing altogether to using it with a client/customer you barely know though, is it? Or saying ‘Oh, sweetheart...’ in a really gushy way to a complete stranger on the internet just because she’s had a row with her boyfriend.

I call my friends babe and darling as well. I’m not going to do it to my dentist or my husband’s boss (a woman) or a complete stranger though.

Know your audience.

@FieldOfFlameAndHeather

In the examples you've given of "know your audience", why do the professionals (dentist, boss) get the standoffish treatment, and the girl friends get the warm treatment?

Yes language matters, but I'm presuming you know your dentist? In which case a bit of human warmth at times or casual language wouldn't be totally out of place?

It reminds me of how us British folk love to enact the John Cleese sketch of people looking up and down the class ladder .

If we're talking to our "betters" then make sure you're nice, clipped and coldly formal in language.

It just seems so weird and outdated. I'm "senior" at work and once someone gets to know me outside of it (colleague's spouse) I'm cool with whatever language, as we're all accepting of the other

From the comments on here I think the calling someone "love" or "darling" is taken particularly badly when woman to woman.

It's like if a woman calls another "love" she's failed to acknowledge all the sacrifices that woman has made to be formally stand offish and all her social signifiers that indicate she is not for conviviality if you are not in her circle

Bless. #bekind xx

Christ, it’s not standoffish To. Or call your dentist ‘sweetheart’ Gindaddy it’s just inappropriately over-familiar and that can come across as bordering on disrespectful, That’s all. Don’t you understand the difference?

To not waltz in and call my dentist or my bank manager or my husband’s boss darling or sweetheart isn’t cold treatment, it’s respecting normal boundaries and social mores. There can still be good eye contact, a smile and warmth of tone.

If you can’t see that’s it’s a spectrum and some know instinctively where something fits on it then I can’t help you.

To NOT call your dentist etc...

I think 'huns' are in a different league to normal friendliness though. There does seem to be a bit of an intelligence divide.

It’s not because I am in awe of professionals either. I’d be the same with my postman or children’s teacher or a next door neighbour I didn’t know at all well.

The difference with my good friends is that they are my good friends. The clue is in the name.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

*what you say may well be true but that isn't really borne out by this section of the board. If you really didn't want to see those less nice statements, you'd be posting on some of the gentler boards about pets or tiddlywinks or Pedants' Corner. I think it's a bit disingenuous to post to AIBU and berate posters for their personal view (shared by quite a few) that hearts and flowers are misplaced and a bit fake.

You only have to look at the threads with the most posts... there is always a ruck going on somewhere on it. The mundane posts with huns and kisses soon fall off the page.

Each to their own but, if I don't want to see angry faces or conversely, sickly sweetness, I'd just click off Mumsnet for a bit until I'd righted myself...*

I actually enjoy AIBU and if someone is being an arse I will have no problem in telling them but if I see someone struggling, upset, anxious etc I would a million times prefer to see them treated with kindness whether that be a handhold, sugary sweetness, a love, a sweetheart or kisses on the end than some gimp being mean and nasty. Would I look down on the person who was being sickly sweet? Not on your Nelly, if the poster gets any kind of comfort from it (and we know already from this thread that they do) I would consider that mission accomplished. To me, it is 100 times better than the wankers what post mean stuff because they are faceless here and have keyboard warrior complex. Sometimes people need the niceties, they need kind words and they need to be heard. Sometimes people need a kick in the hole and to be told they are out of fucking order. The wisdom is knowing the difference.

I hate these faux endearment to complete strangers. Hun, chickadee, darling......ditto fly high with the angles ( sic).
No need.

I suspect the same people who take offence are the same people who sniff at regional accents and colloquialisms.

It's like if a woman calls another "love" she's failed to acknowledge all the sacrifices that woman has made to be formally stand offish and all her social signifiers that indicate she is not for conviviality if you are not in her circle

Way to prove you’re really not reading the situation at all

Intention behind words is more important to me than the words used. People are so intolerant and arsey these days. I can’t stand the attitude of those that get offended by kisses on texts and are uncomfortable when someone says and endearment such as “hun”. To be honest it says more about the person that is offended than the person that said the endearment in the first place when they were most likely trying to be a nice person.