Oh love..oh darling..oh bless you...

[saraclara]

Where has this come from? Why are people starting responses to OPs with this sort of sugary stuff when they don't know the OP from Adam?

I get that they're trying to be nice, but it makes me feel vomity.

(Also anyone responding to this OP that way just to wind me up... I am SO not your darling and I WILL hunt you down )

I'm not being unreasonable to hate it, am I?

Mumsnet is one of the only places I say "Oh love". When somebody is sharing something deeply personal and vulnerable with a shit tonne of strangers, why on earth wouldn't you go out of your way to show them some compassion? I'll risk annoying other users if there is a chance I can make a desperate OP feel a little less alone in the world.

And while we’re at it I’m getting sick of posters who keep reminding us to ‘be kind’.

There are worse things to be reminded of. Even @mnhq talks about "in real life" as if people are only real humans when they're not behind screens. We are all emboldened to be more harsh under usernames, safe in the knowledge that we won't have to look "@Helpme123" in the eye in the office tomorrow. I certainly fail to be as kind as I could be, and I don't think it's remotely a bad thing to remind one another to treat others with humanity.

Sometimes people need the niceties, they need kind words and they need to be heard. Sometimes people need a kick in the hole and to be told they are out of fucking order. The wisdom is knowing the difference

Bloody well said! I also notice that not a single person on this thread has said they went through something life changingly awful and found flowers, oh sweetheart, loves etc to be either annoying or making their pain worse. On the contrary, multiple people have said in this thread that it helped them and they found it supportive and comforting.

If people dont like the terms, then dont use them! it really is that simple but to get wound up and enraged at others using them is truly mind boggling. I cant imagine wasting energy and anger on something as trivial as that- especially when the intention is good.

Also, I will say that offering someone "best wishes" as was suggested earlier in this thread instead of affectionate expressions is about as limp and impotent as it gets when it comes to a loss or something awful. I wouldnt find that comforting at all. It comes across as cold. Which goes to show how different we all are. I guess some people really struggle with others being different.

@LettertoHermoine expressed what I wanted to say much better than I did!!

Very well said Letterto.

I suspect the same people who take offence are the same people who sniff at regional accents and colloquialisms.

Nope. I have a regional accent. And I like that it marks me out where I live now. I love accents and regional colloquialisms. But I don't like being patronised and I don't like over sentimentality.

GinDaddy I hadn't thought of it that way before, but I think you're right. It reminds me of a Jilly Cooper anecdote I read about once, whereby a shop assistant in a village grocery would call the naice middle-class ladies "madam", and the working-class women "love". The class judgement would be made based on their accent, of course, but also on whether the customer was buying back bacon or streaky. This was probably in the 50s or 60s, but it seems that the divisions are still there. Is it about presumption? A sort of "how dare this person assume that we're equals when they don't know the first thing about me?"

But I am, like SirChing, from Yorkshire and I genuinely don't mind random endearments from strangers. I don't do it myself particularly but I don't judge people who do.

I haven't read the full thread because it's too much of an investment on this topic but when I say bless you I mean it in a religious sense and I am being genuine when I say I'll pray for you.

So OP when a poster starts a thread in the middle of the night asking for a hand hold as they are going through an horrendous time what sort of words would you rather see being used? Some people are very eloquent but others like myself are not, but we still want to let the poster know we are there thinking about them.

Russellbrandshair Sun 01-Mar-20 18:13:56
You sound horrid tbh

I laughed a lot at this. I would like more kindness in the world but sometimes you need a laugh.

oh i ticked yabu because actually saying these phrases are quite nice, but then writing them on mn is also nice, just more unusual

That's just how some people talk. But mean to ridicule them for it.

Sometimes people need the niceties, they need kind words and they need to be heard. Sometimes people need a kick in the hole and to be told they are out of fucking order. The wisdom is knowing the difference.

True dat

Between getting too many niceties or kick in the teeth, better the former.

For those who need a hand hold, the extra sweetness and emotional support is as much needed as the pragmatic no nonsense advice that some posters are brilliant at providing.

Can't be nice now. Shame that. Bless you

I also don’t understand this, I saw one recently that said “ oh “my” love” and thought wtaf, it’s creepy, given the context.

I am kind. Probably more than most. But I'm not saintly and there are some things I don't like. And I thought it'd be fun to vent about this one Yes sure you are. it is fairly easy to get a picture of a regular poster so not just a behind a screen judgement. There is a time and place for kindness. I have seen some of the toughest posters showing kindness support and some online love when necessary. Not everything is ying yang.
And I thought it'd be fun to vent about this one Good for you.
I hope it won't discourage posters showing support to others in need.
I am not talking about gushing on an average day though you bunched kindness altogether.

A lot of endearments are simply regional and used regularly in the poster’s life. In the SW of England people will happily address strangers such as shop customers as “my lover”, in Yorkshire “love”, in London “ducks”, in the NE “pet” and so on. It’s rather sniffy to object to that.
I’m of Geordie stock, grew up in London and lived my whole adult life in Scotland. I’m also a Christian. So when I write a post to support someone going through abuse, bereavement or whatever, I will often address them as pet and finish with a genuinely meant (and not at all patronising) God bless. And yes, I do put them in my prayers.
You seem to be very uncomfortable with the open expression of care and compassion, OP, and I wonder if you have some deep seated issue yourself, that needs help? It’s rather odd to object to people you’ve never met, being kind to other people you’ve never met! What possible harm are they causing you?

What saddens me is the thought that PP have looked at threads where the OP had asked for support when something horrific is happening in their lives, and these people haven’t offered support, instead they have simply looked at the thread to sneer at the language some people have used.

I recognise "Oh my love" as regional. I hear it often in Nothern Ireland. Even in ASDA with no long life personal connection to the speaker.

@ineedaholidaynow yep! And it isn't the "huns" who come out of this looking terrible. As for people saying they "don't understand" why people use endearments, I don't think I would want to admit to that. It means they are either thick or lacking empathy. Neither are things to aspire .

I'm still getting over OP suggesting there could be a warning over whether a poster can 'handle' sentimentality. The intolerance and the precious ness... wtf?!

It really is sad to think that some posters won't feel able to give their support in the way which comes naturally to them for fear of being mocked for it. Modifying themselves to self protect from trolls.
It's been an interesting insight into how others twist the meaning of even words such as 'oh'. It says a lot but not about anyone with good intentions.
I'm not a 'love', 'sweetheart', 'oh darling' sort but would I fuck attempt to bash it out of others.

I agree. I also dont see it as fake - MN has been a massive source of support for many posters and whilst we may never meet in RL it does feel like u know someone sometimes.

@NeverGotMyPuppy I missed that! Some people really do think that one person's posts to another person, is actually all about them, don't they? How self absorbed!

@NeverGotMyPuppy 🤣 Mumsnet needs to issue protected species symbol.

I'm surprised at the strength of feeling about this because posters are forever making clear their likes and dislikes about words and terms used on Mumsnet. What's the difference with this?

Most posters are sympathetic if they post on a thread where that is needed. Some do it with flowery language and others don't but still post kindly.

Will there be a ban on any other polarising threads where posters don't like something, said or done? That will be interesting.