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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about gender disappointment

157 replies

YouDoYou18 · 01/03/2020 06:16

We have a scan to find out the gender in 7 hours and suddenly I’ve found I’m very very nervous.
We have two DDs that I adore, and honestly I don’t mind if it’s another girl, I’ve got some girl names picked out and I can imagine having three daughters playing in the future and I really love the idea... But.
This is going to be our last baby and I would also really like a boy, I’d like to have that relationship and bond with a son as well as my daughters. I know it sounds ridiculous but my daughters are daddy’s girls (which I love and it melts my heart daily) and I know there’s no guarantee a son would be a mummy’s boy.. but I’m just worried that I’m going to end up almost grieving for the fact I’ll never have a boy.

Is this ridiculous? I’m sure I will love any baby, but I can’t get rid of this nervousness and it’s making me feel like an awful parent!

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 01/03/2020 08:11

YABU. Just be happy you have a healthy baby, some people don’t get that chance.

TheYearOfTheDog · 01/03/2020 08:15

The responses will be lacking all empathy but some will understand.

I think it's natural to have a preference. I don't understand why that shocks people. After my baby was born my disappointment passed so I think there is something 'unnatural'' about a scan. Obviously they're good for checking everything is ok, but knowing the sex before the baby is here isn't something we were designed to be able to deal with, ywkim?

I hope you get the sex you would prefer !

Brew

But if you don't, the disappointment will pass.

Original poster
YouDoYou18 · 01/03/2020 08:16

Thank you so much everyone! Just knowing it’s a totally normal feeling is amazing!
It not that I’m worried that I’ll be disappointed it’s a girl, only that I’ll be sad that I’m never having a boy, which honestly the more I say the more I realise it’s silly and it’s going to be fine!

@ItchyScratch yes it’s a private scan that we pay for, partly because we like to focus solely on the health of the baby at the 20 week scan and don’t want the sonographer to miss anything looking for any issues. But also it’s just really fun, and a way for us to celebrate our pregnancy! We’ve got a heartbeat bear for each child, and a 4D sneak peak and a video of the whole scan! Totally each to their own though, it’s all personal preference :)

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 01/03/2020 08:23

I didn't want a boy second time around and used to tell people that if the baby had dangly bits, it would be sent back! I knew that once the baby had arrived it wouldn't matter, but I really didn't want a boy. Our hospital didn't tell you the sex of the baby (early 90s), so it was a lovely surprise to have DD2. I think what you're feeling is quite normal and most people feel the same.

Doilooklikeatourist · 01/03/2020 08:30

I really wanted a girl as my 2nd baby , as I already had a little boy , and I have 4 nephews
Back in the day , they didn’t do gender scans so didn’t know until she was born

I think I would have been disappointed if I’d had a 2nd boy .. so I do understand

DS was always a mummy’s boy , and DD is definitely a mummy’s girl though she can still wind her father round her finger,

Ballet Shoes , A Little Princess, all the books I loved as a child were read to both of them , boys like stories too , though DS didn’t like colouring in until I found a Star Wars heroes and villains colouring book for him ! ( he’s nearly 25 now , there’s better choice now )

Another thing , we only wanted 2 children , I only wanted 2 children , but I wasn’t expecting the almost grief like emotional spell I had for any future fictional babies I wouldn’t have ( can’t phrase that as elegantly as I wanted , hope you understand what I mean )

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 08:45

Biological sex has nothing to do with gender (but you can’t say that on Mumsnet without a witch hunt)!

We need to stop fixating on what genitals a baby has (bit creepy really) and start seeing each child as an individual.

LamingtonBear · 01/03/2020 09:05

partly because we like to focus solely on the health of the baby at the 20 week scan and don’t want the sonographer to miss anything looking for any issues.

Do you seriously think a health professional will miss something because they are too busy looking for genitals?

LamingtonBear · 01/03/2020 09:07

experts do not recommend having 3D or 4D scans purely for a souvenir photo or recording, because it means that you are exposing your baby to more ultrasoundd* than is medically necessary.

LaurieMarlow · 01/03/2020 09:11

We need to stop fixating on what genitals a baby has (bit creepy really) and start seeing each child as an individual.

Obviously children are individuals. Has anyone said anything otherwise?

I fail to see how acknowledging that raising one sex is different to raising another is ‘creepy’ (wtaf).

Or that there’s anything wrong with wanting the experience of one or other or both.

LolaSmiles · 01/03/2020 09:17

You sound fairly reasonable OP, which will probably mean you'll avoid the pile on that usually occurs on gender disappointment threads because it's usually an OP being really upset that they haven't got the sex they want and they need time to process it and grieve for the child they never had, they've always imagined having (insert balance of sexes here) and it's going to take time to come to terms with it etc.

Thinking "I'd quite like a boy/girl, and much as it's a little silly it'll be a shame if I don't get to do boy/girl parenting", sucking it up and moving on is fair enough.

Bourdic · 01/03/2020 09:21

Scans don’t reveal gender - just sex.

MarieQueenofScots · 01/03/2020 09:23

Gender disappointment is a valid way to feel.

Be gentle with yourself and take time to adjust.

Bourdic · 01/03/2020 09:28

I’m just going to say this - I have one child. I didn’t have any more because of my hereditary condition (50%) and at that time, it wasn’t possible to have the testing.If I could have had a second child without the condition, would I have given a damn about its sex? I just feel angry that anyone cares about anything other than a healthy wanted baby and quite frankly, it you’re obsessed with what sex your baby is going to be, I don’t know why you’re bothering quite frankly. Just grow up and count your lucky stars

Bourdic · 01/03/2020 09:29

Gender disappointment - gender is a social construct ffs

BecauseReasons · 01/03/2020 09:33

if it is a boy I’d need to do some prepping and I really like to be organised!

How would you need to do prepping? Did you dress your girls in tutus from the moment they were born?

MarieQueenofScots · 01/03/2020 09:35

Other people’s “worse” experiences don’t mean other people’s feelings aren’t valid.

Bourdic · 01/03/2020 09:38

Goodness how did we all used to manage in pre-scan days?

MarieQueenofScots · 01/03/2020 09:41

Goodness how did we all used to manage in pre-scan days?

Clearly all so much more heroic and better, right? 🙄

SapphosRock · 01/03/2020 09:41

Of course the OP will need to do some prepping if the baby is a boy. Presumably after having two girls she had a lot of dresses, pink flowery leggings etc that it wouldn't be fair to dress him in.

I've just spent the day yesterday clearing out DD's old clothes in preparation for her brother's arrival - it took ages!

OP I think you are doing the right thing finding out. I wanted another girl but after finding out it's a boy it's given me time to get used to the idea and get excited about having a son.

koshkatt · 01/03/2020 09:42

How do you know what your child will be like based on its sex? Just silly imo.

LaurieMarlow · 01/03/2020 09:43

How do you know what your child will be like based on its sex?

No one’s saying they will. HTH.

koshkatt · 01/03/2020 09:46

Then why the concern? The whole OP is about the sex of the child - why does the OP want a boy if she has not got expectations about what a boy would be like?
HTH.

Mydogatemypurse · 01/03/2020 09:47

This is normal. I felt the same. Fact is once you know you wont care and wont have much choice ha, and once the baby is here you wont care about anything other than their wellbeing.
Some people do experience bonding issues. If you do again this is normal and you must get help. Wishing you all the luck and love with your new addition. X

LaurieMarlow · 01/03/2020 09:52

Acknowledging that the experience of raising one sex is different to another is not the same as ‘knowing what your child will be like’.

Knucklehead101 · 01/03/2020 09:55

You’re. Not being unreasonable at all. I have three girls and was sort of maybe hoping for a boy when I went for my scan. Luckily for me she was being difficult and we couldn’t see at the scan. It was absolutely impossible to be disappointed by her when I saw her little face when she was born. A boy might have been nice but also might have presented problems of his own And I’m so happy with what I have now. Good luck with the scan and please let us know what happens. Whatever happens is meant to be and it will turn out brilliant whichever way it goes