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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you regret not having children ?

187 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 22:51

YABU- no i don’t regret not having children
YANBU- yes I regret not having children

OP posts:
TheMemoryLingers · 01/03/2020 11:51

Pirates I felt exactly the same when I had a new pup. The sleepless nights only lasted a couple of weeks and all his troublesome childhood/adolescent 'phases' were done with within the year, but I remember thinking 'thank goodness he isn't a baby'.

He's 13 now and in his doggy dotage, sleeping most of the day. If he were a human he'd only just be entering the moody teenage phase!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 01/03/2020 11:56

Those of you in your 50s who say they never wanted the looking after of babies/kids (fair enough) and the demands on your time and money. Do you regret not having adult children now as all the snotty noses and sleepless nights would be behind you anyway and the people of your age who did have children who are now grown have now exactly the same freedoms as you do. Do you ever envy friends relationships with adult children or are you still glad you never had them?

Still delighted. I have friends to meet my 'adult company' needs. They don't tend to ask me to pay for their driving lessons/university fees/house deposits and so on, meaning I can spend my money on sparkly bikinis and similar stuff.

The above is meant to be slightly tongue in cheek but …. the answer is still completely the same: no regrets.

Sickofrain · 01/03/2020 12:16

DjMomo, it really isn't.

redcarbluecar · 01/03/2020 12:24

Some of my friends have wonderful relationships with their adult children, and I can see how life-enriching that must be. There's no point in envying or resenting it though, is there? I think some people like the idea of women getting to their 50s and suddenly being consumed by regret or jealousy. Nope, you live the life you have, not someone else's.

Craftycorvid · 01/03/2020 12:35

It was never really a ‘decision’ not to have children, more something I always knew deep down. Now I’m 53 that ship has, categorically, sailed. I have lovely relationships with young ‘uns of the age my own children would probably be now, and consider those relationships a real blessing. In my job role I feel I get to be the idealised parent for lots of people of all ages (I work in HE) and I feel contented with that. Menopause was pretty poignant as, even though I have no regrets, it still spelled the end of the time when it was actually a decision. Emotionally, there’s a massive difference between what you don’t plan to do and what you never did.

AnneJeanne · 01/03/2020 12:43

I’m childfree. I was in my early 40s when I got married and it just didn’t happen. I’m not bothered a bit and neither is my husband. Also, I have never been criticised for not having children. I think I must be quite fortunate that my friends, family and strangers have stayed out of my reproductive life and have never questioned why I don’t have any.

Inextremis · 01/03/2020 12:45

Didn't want them, didn't have them and - at age 60 - have absolutely no regrets. I've never experienced negative comments from other people, either - they seem to accept my decision.

UYScuti · 01/03/2020 12:55

It seems to me that increasingly women are choosing to remain child-free, I probably would too were I a generation younger
I don't regret having children because they are here and I love them absolutely and unconditionally but being a parent doesn't really seem to have any upsides it is constant worry.
We can never know the counterfactuals..

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 13:05

@DjMomo Motherhood would be a GROSS violation on my very nature. Even the thought of pregnancy fills me with dread. A separate being growing inside me, taking up space, sucking away nutrients and wreaking havoc with my body by disrupting my system. And don’t even mention labour which I am certain I would not survive. It’s like giving birth to a watermelon. Then constantly caring for this demanding, unreasonable and messy little creature...just too much hard work and little or no reward. I was not born to endure all this. If anyone chooses to be a mother it’s their decision and I am sure they are happy with it but I will never go down that path. Motherhood is slavery and martyrdom

Are you me?? LOL! I literally couldn’t have said it better myself!

MonsteraCheeseplant · 01/03/2020 13:30

Hi op. I am mid thirties and constantly struggle with the decision at the moment. I have never felt broody and don't see the up sides of having kids really. But I do hear good things from people with kids and am in a "good" position to have one should we decide. I posted an AIBU poll a short while ago asking if people regretted having them and got only 15% regretting it. It is reassuring to see that most people don't regret their decision either way. Some people are devastated by infertility and I do think this is a very different situation to choosing to be childfree. However I have seen people discover that their life isn't ruined by infertility or accidental babies. I think that regret is an emotion like any other that you can just live with and move on from. I can regret lots of things I did or didn't do in life, but I can live with it. It's not going to ruin my life.

For me I do worry about the ways being a parent can make my life worse. Having a child who is disabled with high needs for example, or a delinquent child. On the one hand, delinquent children are pretty rare and likely come from poor environments and life circumstances so you can know your odds I guess or at least work to protect them. On the other hand, while you can test and scan for some disabilities, others can be a total surprise and have a massive impact on your life. A recent thread about limiting abortion for downs syndrome highlighted some peoples opinions that you shouldn't have a child if you're not willing to have a disabled child. I think if more parents seriously considered this, there'd be a lot more child free people to be honest!

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/03/2020 15:01

I’m in my late 40s now, never wanted any, never had any, and feel no regrets. I don’t particularly enjoy spending time around children, especially young children.

I8toys · 01/03/2020 15:07

I was 30 when I thought if I don't have them am I going to regret it later on? Never particularly liked kids and found them annoying. No maternal instinct whatsoever but married and financially stable. So we did and I changed as a person. I never thought I would love anything as much as I do my two boys. They are now 14 and 16 moving into adulthood and becoming men. Its absolutely fascinating.

OneFootintheRave · 01/03/2020 15:20

Never wanted kids,50 now. No regrets, I am so grateful I was born in a place and time where I had the freedom to make this choice! Smile

flower1994 · 01/03/2020 15:28

from a person who does have kids I think its amazing. but then again I always came from a family full if children (lots of cousins). it doesnt bother me if I cant have loads of material items, would never trade. I think I would it says felt something was missing personally but I'm very maternal. if you're not I can imagine looking after in particular young children very hard (harder than it is anyway that is)

WobblyAllOver · 01/03/2020 15:32

Never wanted children and now can't as I recently underwent sterilization to make sure that would never happen (at my age the chance of it not working is very very low).

No regrets at all.

EmpressLangClegInChair · 01/03/2020 15:37

Want to have a bet on how long it will take for someone to pop up and ask why all we childfree people are on a site called Mumsnet?

Just curious as to why so many childless posters are on ‘mumsnet’? Seems odd to me.....after all, basically it’s a parenting forum

GrinGrinGrin BINGO!!!!!!!!

user1423578854468 · 01/03/2020 15:44

I wish I could have had a family. On the plus side nobody will be left behind to feel pain over my death.

happytobeheresparkl · 01/03/2020 15:54

I had my kids young and very early in my relationship with husband. wish I'd waited a few years but absolutely don't regret it they have brought so much love and joy to my life ... no regrets it's been hard work lots of tears but lots of laughs and lots of love ...

Writersblock2 · 01/03/2020 16:02

I could list a lot of reasons as to why it’s great being childfree, but there’s really only one that truly matters: I didn’t want children. Hence all of the other reasons, while still valid, are just the icing, or in some instances, the only thing that will make other people shut up.

However, OP, you wanted them. Badly. Which makes you childless not childfree. I imagine the regret of the childless is significantly higher than the childfree. And probably something many have to work on to be at peace with themselves.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/03/2020 16:48

DjMomo, it really isn't.

Sickofrain. But DjMomo says it would be for her. Why can you just not accept that?

IronShame · 01/03/2020 16:49

I love these threads.

Never takes long for a poster to rush in to tell you all about the 'depth of feeling you just can't know until you've experienced it' or some other vomit inducing crap.

I'm sorry but you must have a very very small brain not to be able to comprehend how others may just not be interested in having said experience.

Someone could tell me that bunjee jumping is 'the best thing ever and I just can't understand unless I experience it'. I'd still have absolutely no desire to go bunjee jumping, thank you.

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 17:07

@IronShame Never takes long for a poster to rush in to tell you all about the 'depth of feeling you just can't know until you've experienced it' or some other vomit inducing crap

I was thinking the same!!

IcedPurple · 01/03/2020 17:13

@IronShame

Never takes long for a poster to rush in to tell you all about the 'depth of feeling you just can't know until you've experienced it' or some other vomit inducing crap.

I'm sorry but you must have a very very small brain not to be able to comprehend how others may just not be interested in having said experience.

Someone could tell me that bunjee jumping is 'the best thing ever and I just can't understand unless I experience it'. I'd still have absolutely no desire to go bunjee jumping, thank you.*

Exactly!

Plus, the experience of bunjee jumping is likely to be pretty much the same for everyone. Not so motherhood, where there are so many variables - the health or personality of your child, your partner, your income, your work etc. What might be a wonderfully deep experience for some would not be for others.

And this idea that you have to experience something in order to understand it..... well I guess it's kind of true, but it goes for any experience in the sense that you can't really know how you'll feel about it until you go through it yourself. That doesn't mean you can't make informed decisions about whether or not you want to do it. And the thing about motherhood, it's kind of irreversible. I could go bunjee jumping, decide it's not for me and all I've lost is a few quid and an afternoon. Not so with motherhood.

PurpleDaisies · 01/03/2020 17:16

Why are posters with children even on this thread? It’s obvious it doesn’t apply to you.

IronShame · 01/03/2020 17:18

Why are posters with children even on this thread? It’s obvious it doesn’t apply to you

To tell everyone what they are missing obviously 🙄