Do you regret not having children ?

[Nofoolfornoone]

YABU- no i don’t regret not having children
YANBU- yes I regret not having children

With regard child free women being accused of being selfish, having children is a much, much more selfish choice. You are bringing another person into the world FOR YOUR OWN GRATIFICATION the kid didn't ask to be born and the world doesn't need them. I say this as a mother of three myself. I had my children because I wanted them, they make ME happy. Even worse is when you see threads on here about children having a duty to look after you when you're old. And people have the cheek to call the child free selfish!

I didn't vote in your poll because I'm not the target sample, what's the score?

And big love to the child free, you're all doing the planet a favour. Enjoy your life and your freedom. :)

@Rebellenny

Do you ever envy friends relationships with adult children or are you still glad you never had them?

To me this is kind of a pointless question.

Firstly, there's no guarantee you will have good relationships with your adult children. You could fall out with them, they could move away to Australia or they may simply be too busy with their own families and careers.

Secondly, in order to get the theoretical benefits of relationships with adult children, you'd still have to go through years of the kind of lifestyle - sleepless nights, wiping up snot, school runs etc - which posters here have said they do not want. One does not cancel out the other.

I don't have children, never wanted to and have never, not for one minute, regretted it.

It just looks like endless worry and stress to me. The worst part is that despite your best efforts, you don't know how they will turn out. What if you kid turns out to be a horrible person or a psychopath? What if they have mental health issues or disabilities that hugely impacts their quality of life? I couldn't live with that uncertainty and worry, so I've decided not to.

I’m childfree by choice and in my fifties now.

Never married but had several offers from previous boyfriends.

I just never had the urge that others do for the whole engagement/marriage/children/family thing. It just didnt appeal.

My mother had me late in life (47) and I saw her and my father struggle with the stress and cost of bringing up children as they aged.

I’m happily single now and never once regretted my decision but I’m a high earner, fit and active, with my own house/car/pension/savings etc. surrounded by other childfree people in a similar situation, so my lifestyle is validated and encouraged to a degree by those around me. It may be different for others who are not so fortunate.

Do you ever envy friends relationships with adult children

But they can have great fulfilling relationships with friends, plus you don't have to give your friends the deposit on a house!

The split on here mirrors the other thread at around 70 / 30.

Of course they have to go through the whole sleepless nights etc but I guess I’m just wondering if they would feel differently once they and their friends were on an even keel so to speak where none of them have sleepless nights anymore but some of them now have adult children who bring them joy (or otherwise of course!)

Some of them have adult children who bring them stress too.

But like I said, the question is pointless as you can't have the 'joys' of adult children without the (in the minds of many of us here) drudgery of having small children. It's a bit like asking if you're sorry you didn't get a promotion to senior manager in your 50s when you were quite happy to enjoy a more relaxed and stress free life for decades before that.

most adults I know are decent settled people with a great relationship with their parents.

You can be decent and settled and still be sent lemons in life's lottery. The problem is that people with adult DC seem to feel their DC's 'lemons' as much as they would if the trouble happened to them personally.

@Rebellenny

Do you ever envy friends relationships with adult children or are you still glad you never had them?

I wouldn't say I’m glad I never had children, more content and sure I made the right decision. Relieved in a way.

When Ive seen other friends’ relationships with their grown up children, I’m pleased for those who have enjoyable relationships, especially those with a smaller age gap which lends itself to a closer bond in my opinion. however I have been upset to witness friends with troubled children go through pain, heartache and worse due to their children's actions (drug taking, suicide, prison, violence etc..)

I've not read the whole thread yet, but think I'm in a fairly similar situation to you, OP. I'm mid thirties and know time is running out for me.

When I was much younger, I had a miscarriage and was relieved I didn't have to make any decisions myself. I'd just started uni and had no intention ever of having children. I've gradually changed my view, probably over the last 5 years, but life has got in the way. The men I've been with, I couldn't imagine settling down and having children with them, we had fun but they weren't the settling down type. Work things have got in the way, uni courses etc.

I regret not doing this sooner. I regret prioritising work and study. I love my job but if I didn't pick up the extra projects, take on extra responsibilities, someone would still do it and no one would suffer as a result.

Now, I think I'm in the right place, work-wise and financially to actually start trying. And I was considering it on my own. But I've just started dating a lovely man and I'm stuck again, not knowing whether I can leave it a couple of years til I get to know him better, not even knowing if he wants kids, or whether I put my need for a baby first.

I know if I never have kids, or at the very least try to have kids, I will regret it forever.

I have never wanted children, and I’m very happy with my choice and life. I just don’t like being around children, don’t want the responsibility and the ties it brings. Similarly I’m not married, been with my partner 20 years and love and am committed to him, but I don’t want to be contracted to him. I’m financially independent so if we broke up I can afford to continue my life the way it is, albeit with less money going in to savings and pension.
I like the fact if anything happened I can just pack up and go.

I love my job and have progressed well in it. I can travel for work or pleasure with no issues, I’m comfortable financially although, travel aside, I live a simple, non extravagant life.

My friend has 4 children close in age, and she works shifts as does her husband. To me, her life is utter chaos. She is always stressed about something, childcare, money, school issues. Her house is jam packed full of plastic toys, clutter, constant noise...I just couldn’t live like that

I am child free by choice, absolutely no regrets, I love my life.

I'm 41 and single and childfree by choice. Never fancied any of it. Happy with my choice.

I don’t think your poll will be much use for what you want it for as you’re getting childfree by choice and also childless people answering.

Maybe a third and final one asking childfree by choice people if they regret it?

I tend to agree that it's the things you don't do that you regret most.
I disagree with this when it comes to having children. They are human beings, not toys. If you don't want children, you shouldn't have them for FOMO! It's great that people don't want children, because many people will have a deep biological urge to have them. We don't need people who don't want children to be guilted into having them. There are enough of us already!

Thank you all so much for commenting and discussing. On both threads it’s roughly 30% who regret their decision to either have or not have children.
Its helpful for me to read all your reasons why your decisions were right or wrong for you. It helps me try to relate it to my life and situation. It’s something I’m going to continue giving careful thought to.
I have always wanted a large family. The on my marriage we tried for 4 years and ivf failed and I never felt so heart broken. 3 years on and I’m divorced and single. I’ve been considering iui with a donor but as it’s a very very conscious decision to have a child and be a single parent I have been trying to consider it carefully. Lately I’m much more inclined to accept that I have lovely lives, I enjoy lay ins and spontaneous evenings at the pub with my child free friends. I enjoy my time with my nieces and nephews and love it when I can say goodbye and have peace. I love that I can focus on my career without guilt of not being able to do school runs. My friends who work part time appear to have it worst of all as they don’t have as much career fulfilment and also stressed out juggling childcare. I really dislike how seeing friends with small children is such a mission. I’m very maternal but I think it’s ok if I don’t have children. I will continue to have a lovely life enjoying my sleep; my hobbies, having spare money. I will always have the grief of ttc and failing to but that’s not the same as regret.
Thank you all!

Motherhood would be a GROSS violation on my very nature.
Even the thought of pregnancy fills me with dread. A separate being growing inside me, taking up space, sucking away nutrients and wreaking havoc with my body by disrupting my system. And don’t even mention labour which I am certain I would not survive. It’s like giving birth to a watermelon. Then constantly caring for this demanding, unreasonable and messy little creature...just too much hard work and little or no reward. I was not born to endure all this. If anyone chooses to be a mother it’s their decision and I am sure they are happy with it but I will never go down that path. Motherhood is slavery and martyrdom.

none by choice and no regrets. Kids bore me so I would have been a terrible parent.

never had any of the silly comments mentioned upthread, either. I wonder if that's because I mostly associate with men?

I’m having such problems with a new puppy just now I’ve frequently said to my partner that I’d never have coped with a real human baby 😂

No, no regrets whatsoever.

I’m late 40’s, look much younger than my years (I think women with kids tend to look older than their years).
I’ve traveled the world
Have 4 holidays a year
Have a great job that I love
Have fabulous social life
My body hasn’t been ruined by having babies.

I have 2 DSC - having kids is a thankless task.

I think many people have kids because it’s the social norm rather than really go into it wanting them.

Gosh, I do have a child and so I wasn't going to post, was just interested to hear people's responses.

But just want to say the attitudes of many of the people who HAVE already posted, who do have children, is ridiculous! So rude and patronising. Being childfree is as valid a decision as any. A lot of internalised misogyny on here from people who still seem to think women who don't procreate are not 'real' women. Shameful.

I'm 53. I never wanted any children. Not having any is one of the better decisions in my life. I'd absolutely hate the burden of responsibility and the time commitment and the cost I don't regret it at all.

But I completely understand why lots of people do want them and can see the joy that they bring.