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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you regret not having children ?

187 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 22:51

YABU- no i don’t regret not having children
YANBU- yes I regret not having children

OP posts:
DingleberryRose · 29/02/2020 23:26

Mid-30s. There is not a day that goes by that I am not elated at my (and DH’s) decision not to have children.

I feel this the most when I get home from work and I’m exhausted and I can take a shower, eat with my DH, grab some chocolate buttons and settle in for a cosy night of Netflix before 10-12 blissful hours of sleep. Just the idea of getting home knackered and having to tend to children makes me feel panicked. We have such a lovely life of travel, freedom and adventures! I wouldn’t change it for the world.

honeyloops · 29/02/2020 23:26

No. There was a point where I was seriously considering it, even leaning towards it, but the negatives outweighed the benefits for me, and the older I get the more certain I am I've made the right choice. But I do think (anecdotally!) that women who are ambivalent regret not having kids more than they were regret having them - I'm now 100% set on not having them, so I don't feel worried, but if I were still in the mindset I was 5 years ago where I wasn't sure each way, I think I'd try now, with the thought that if it didn't happen at least I would have tried.

Newkitchen123 · 29/02/2020 23:26

Second marriage
IVF around age 30 didn't work twice
Upset but didn't let it take over our life
I was sadly widowed about ten years later
Married second husband at 47 no kids for either of us.
I don't regret it. It was sad at the time. It was sad when I lost my husband. And I would have dealt with it if we'd had kids, my life would have been different.
But it didn't happen and now I've got a new life.

Electrical · 29/02/2020 23:28

There’s loads of childfree spaces online, but MUMSnet isn’t a place I’d feel among my people on that subject. Obviously.
I no longer justify myself to anyone, in person or online, but yes, my life is bliss, my genes are trash, I can’t bear being around parents, kids, noise, filth, germs, have tokophobia, the planet is dying, overpopulated with humans, the upcoming decades will have food and water shortages, climate refugees and more consumers will suffer it, and also worsen it. I adore my quiet life, work a few times a week, cherish my chosen family and being impregnated is my worst nightmare, I live in fear of it.

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 23:29

@DingleberryRose I get a real sense of freedom from your post. I too enjoy coming home and doing whatever I want.

OP posts:
Electrical · 29/02/2020 23:31

(No offence to anyone who feels their life is lesser by not having a kid. Only if you have never bingoed a childfree woman before though. ‘It’s different when it’s your own/kids are a blessing/but it’s your duty!/but why?!/babies are the future!/what’s wrong with you?/it’s natural!/your husband will leave you/what if you get knocked up, you’ll love it’ etc etc etc for a lifetime 🙄)

KenDodd · 29/02/2020 23:31

negatives outweighed the benefits for me

I think if you wrote a pros and cons list there wouldn't be anything in the cons side!

BeroccaFiend · 29/02/2020 23:33

There are a lot of childfree women on here, @Electrical. I was contentedly childfree myself for 40 years before having my son, and having been childfree for far longer than I’ve been a parent, I entirely get why people make that decision.

I love DS but am well aware I’d have just been differently happy had I not had him.

wildcherries · 29/02/2020 23:37

Electrical All of what you are saying.

Cheerfulcharlie · 29/02/2020 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firstimemam · 29/02/2020 23:40

I have a few friends that choose not to have children & to be very honest, life without a child is simply easier, people who don't have children may disagree as they don't know but I can completely understand why people choose not to have them. If they are happy or have any regrets I don't know, so basically my post is pointless as it doesn't answer your question 😂

Noconceptofnormal · 29/02/2020 23:43

I think the useful thing about this thread (if it is representative of child free women) is that roughly 4 out of 5 child free women are happy with their choice so shouldn't be treated with pity or like an oddity. But also to be sensitive to those who wanted children but didn't have them, there's a whole spectrum of circumstances and people shouldn't judge.

Casualbride · 29/02/2020 23:49

No regrets, I love my life.

TheMemoryLingers · 29/02/2020 23:52

Not at all. I am post-hysterectomy, so this was something I carefully considered before my surgery, but I couldn't find the faintest desire to have children. I have more reasons than I can count for not wanting them, but they all lead to the same place - I'm not cut out to be a mother.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/02/2020 23:54

The question is do you regret not having children?

So we know from past experience that this thread will now fill up with those who are obviously unable to comprehend the question and will feel compelled to tell us that they have children, how their lives are now fulfilled, how we will never know love like it, how pointless our existence must be, how we’ll change our minds.

Oh look! It’s already started. 🙄

angell84 · 29/02/2020 23:55

I am late thirties, and I do not regret having children.

I really enjoy my child free life.

TheMemoryLingers · 29/02/2020 23:56

AlexaAmbidextra Want to have a bet on how long it will take for someone to pop up and ask why all we childfree people are on a site called Mumsnet? Grin

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 01/03/2020 00:00

52 and child free by choice, have never regretted it for a second. The lifestyle of a parent does not appeal at all, I love my life doing what I want when I want.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/03/2020 00:03

TheMemory. It won’t be long I’ll bet. 😂. I just don’t get it. If I saw a thread asking if posters regretted having children I would know that as a childfree woman it wasn’t aimed at me, there would be nothing I could contribute, my experiences wouldn’t be relevant so I’d scoot straight on by. But they just can’t help themselves can they? It’s like some creepy religious sect that tries to brainwash you into joining up.

Thinkingabout1t · 01/03/2020 00:07

Why are people annoyed by this question? No one has to answer it or read the thread.

People are said to regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did do that went wrong. I don't know how much research that's based on. But it makes sense to me, looking back over my life. The memory of disasters tends to fade over time, sometimes ending up as an amusing anecdote. But opportunities not taken, things you wanted to do but didn't quite have the nerve -- those still have a sharp sting when I bring them to mind.

My friend A, happily married for some years, got pregnant without difficulty in her late 30s. She told me she couldn't make up her mind till then; her husband was easy either way. And in the end, she decided she would regret her decision more if she didn't than if she did. All turned out well and she has never regretted it. On the other hand, she says very honestly, she might well have regretted it if the baby had had serious health or other problems.

My friend B had infertility treatment before her longed-for children were born. They are now grown up, and she loves them, but says she would probably have been just as happy if she hadn't had children. But you can't know that in advance.

I wasn't bothered about having children when I was young, then gradually changed my mind in my 30s, but left it too late to actually do it. And I do regret that.

One other point: as you grow older, the few years you spent looking after a child becomes a smaller and smaller chunk of your life. And even in those child-rearing years, you do other things too -- it doesn't take up 100% of your time for long.

My friend A's outlook may sound cold, but I don't think it is really -- it makes a lot of sense. I tend to agree that it's the things you don't do that you regret most.

ViciousJackdaw · 01/03/2020 00:08

No regrets whatsoever. Never wanted them, never found them cute or interesting and even if I had wanted them, I've got a chronic, hereditary illness so it would be rather selfish.

BeroccaFiend · 01/03/2020 00:10

@Thinkingabout1t, because childfree and childless people are asked it all the time, sometimes by total strangers.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/03/2020 00:16

Thinkingabout1t. I don’t get annoyed by the question. I just get annoyed by those with children hijacking the thread to tell those of us who are childfree that we’re wrong/don’t know what we’re missing/will change our minds etc etc. I have never known a thread on here aimed at the childfree where that hasn’t happened.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/03/2020 00:17

I can’t think of one good reason to have children

Queenest · 01/03/2020 00:20

I’m glad I have children, best decision ever. But I always knew I wanted them. However I also get how others are absolutely content with their decision not to. We are individuals after all.