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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

340 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 21:40

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

OP posts:
GhostsToMonsoon · 01/03/2020 09:29

For all those saying you would have started your family younger, then you wouldn't have had the children you have. You would have had different children!

DingleberryRose · 01/03/2020 09:31

People rarely regret having kids, but they often do regret not having them

This is not my experience AT ALL!

userabcname · 01/03/2020 09:36

Having kids is the best thing I've ever done. I'm the happiest I've been since having them.

IceColdCat · 01/03/2020 09:47

Yes, I might have stopped at two though. Three is a lot harder!

dayswithaY · 01/03/2020 09:54

No I wouldn't have kids if I had my time again. That doesn't mean I don't love them. I would fight tigers and lift cars to save them. But I'm quite a selfish person and very happy in my own company. I've been forced to be unselfish and constantly surrounded by noise and people for over 20 years. It's very hard to try to be something you're not, to change your natural behaviour for so long, it does take its toll. Also I'm a perfectionist so could never cut corners with my children and ignore them all day. It might be different if you have supportive extended family to help but I didn't have that.

I have anxiety and motherhood cranks that up to the highest setting. They are wonderful people but for me, it's too much of a sacrifice for one person to bear all that physical, mental, emotional pressure. Having said that, I know people who don't think it's that hard so it's probably just that I'm not cut out for it. Maybe it shouldn't be that much of a struggle.

I think people confuse the bliss of having a newborn placed in your arms with the torture of an angry, resentful, snarling teenager in your house. Who still expect you to be there to pick up the pieces, still be caring, loving, understanding and just accept their awful behaviour because you brought them into this world. If that was your partner you'd leave them.

Gran22 · 01/03/2020 10:03

I wouldn't be without my children. We did have them stupidly early before we were economically sorted and we seemed to play catch up for years! They did the opposite, travelled, built careers, and we have lovely grandchildren. I feel fortunate.

Ghdsa1 · 01/03/2020 10:09

I don’t regret having him but the exhaustion and mental health problems my birth has caused is really hard to deal with I love bum with all my heart but I’m so unhappy. But if I had my time again I would still have a child as this is what I’ve always wanted.

Ghdsa1 · 01/03/2020 10:10

*him

Ethelfleda · 01/03/2020 10:13

No, I wouldn’t.
I adore my DS with all my heart and obviously wouldn’t wish him away. But I don’t think I would choose to do it knowing what I know now.

I feel as if I don’t exist anymore.

Ethelfleda · 01/03/2020 10:14

But I'm quite a selfish person and very happy in my own company. I've been forced to be unselfish and constantly surrounded by noise and people for over 20 years. It's very hard to try to be something you're not, to change your natural behaviour for so long, it does take its toll. Also I'm a perfectionist so could never cut corners with my children and ignore them all day. It might be different if you have supportive extended family to help but I didn't have that

I could have written this myself!

LettuceP · 01/03/2020 10:44

I remember a thread like this roughly a year ago and I answered that I did regret having them. My youngest was under one and I was struggling and regretting having him, and felt that I regretted having children at all if I was honest. Now he is nearly two and has turned out to be an easy toddler (so far) and my answer is that I don't regret it at all.

I have a 4yo as well and it's hard work and I do hate the lack of freedom but I wouldn't go back and change it if I could. They bring me so much happiness and pride.

puds11 · 01/03/2020 10:46

Yes but I’d have gotten into better shape before DD 2. I’m paying for being a lazy sloven prior to second pregnancy now.

puds11 · 01/03/2020 10:48

@Ethelfleda I know what you mean. I feel like an extension of the baby. I’m just a glorified life support machine. But it will get better (my mantra now).

AngstyAnnie · 01/03/2020 10:48

I'm not sure. I really wanted DC and would have never been happy until I had them... and yet there have been many, many times when I have wished them away. I think however it's not the children/motherhood that I've found so hard, but the lack of support from my husband. When he's home and we're both sharing their care I'm the mother I always thought I'd be - patient, loving, happy and I'm able to delight in them. The problem is he's rarely home and when he is, he's often useless with them and was less than useless when they were babies. I think it's the immense pressure I feel having to do 99% of the parenting alone which makes me resentful/angry/wistful for my childfree life. I exist in an almost constant state of overwhelm and it's had significant consequences on my physical and mental health.

So it boils down to often seeing them as a burden purely because I had them with the wrong man - which is a hard pill to swallow as there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that now and I hate the thought of living the rest of my life with such a huge regret and the negative impact on them having an angry/sad mother Sad

Enchiladas · 01/03/2020 10:51

Being a parent has been literally the most difficult thing I've ever done. But now that I already have and love them I would never want to even imagine not having them in the first place.

SummerPavillion · 01/03/2020 10:53

I voted no, BUT that's because I had dc with the wrong man. He left (had a breakdown due to unresolved childhood issues), and took all of the fun of parenting away with him. So if I'd known that was going to happen, I wouldn't have had them.

I wanted a happy family.

I'm very doubtful that I'll find a suitable step-dad for them (mainly as I feel it's too risky to even start looking), so parenting for me is now just one chore after the next, with no support and a lot less money. I do adore them though of course.

rhowton · 01/03/2020 10:58

Absolutely not!! I'd be skiing right now, probably in a hot tub, drinking wine, without a care in the world!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/03/2020 11:08

Omg yes.

DS is 3, DD is 6m & has health issues but god I would never regret having kids. They are the light of my life & make me a better person.

MrsSnitchnose · 01/03/2020 11:15

@dayswithaY Are you me? So much of what you said reflects my own feelings.
It's such an emotive subject I think, especially on a parenting forum, and people are wary of saying that they do in fact not really like being a parent.

If I could go back, there is no way I would have had DS. It's not that I don't love him, it's all the things that you said. When you add in being a single parent and his ASD/ADHD, life is hard most days

Original poster
Nofoolfornoone · 01/03/2020 11:20

Thank you all so much for commenting and discussing. On both threads it’s roughly 30% who regret their decision to either have or not have children.
Its helpful for me to read all your reasons why your decisions were right or wrong for you. It helps me try to relate it to my life and situation. It’s something I’m going to continue giving careful thought to.
I have always wanted a large family. The on my marriage we tried for 4 years and ivf failed and I never felt so heart broken. 3 years on and I’m divorced and single. I’ve been considering iui with a donor but as it’s a very very conscious decision to have a child and be a single parent I have been trying to consider it carefully. Lately I’m much more inclined to accept that I have lovely lives, I enjoy lay ins and spontaneous evenings at the pub with my child free friends. I enjoy my time with my nieces and nephews and love it when I can say goodbye and have peace. I love that I can focus on my career without guilt of not being able to do school runs. My friends who work part time appear to have it worst of all as they don’t have as much career fulfilment and also stressed out juggling childcare. I really dislike how seeing friends with small children is such a mission. I’m very maternal but I think it’s ok if I don’t have children. I will continue to have a lovely life enjoying my sleep; my hobbies, having spare money. I will always have the grief of ttc and failing to but that’s not the same as regret.
Thank you all!

OP posts:
hpvacuum101 · 01/03/2020 11:32

Yes they are great kids. Love them to bits.

Ohyesiam · 01/03/2020 11:38

Yes.
But If I had my time again I’d renovate the house before moving in with a 6 month old.

shirleyschmidt · 01/03/2020 11:51

Yes, 💯 But in hindsight I'd have waited 6 months to get one last dream holiday in!

notthemum · 01/03/2020 11:52

GatchaBread.
Omg. That's hard but all respect to you. 💐🍷

Greenmarmalade · 01/03/2020 11:56

Yes, and choose a better dad for the first 2... someone who wants 6 kids! I have 4, i’d like 6 but it’s not going to happen.