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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had your time again would you still Chose to have children?

340 replies

Nofoolfornoone · 29/02/2020 21:40

I’m not asking if you love your children or if you wish they wertent around as I’m sure now you have them you wouldn’t change a thing.

But, I want to know, if you are being totally honest, If you had your time again would you still chose to have children?

OP posts:
DesignedForLife · 29/02/2020 23:41

100% yes. Best things in my life.

HotSauceCommittee · 29/02/2020 23:43

No. We’ve fucked the planet, the world is burning and flooding, the far right is rising, so no, I haven’t done my children any favours by having them. Sad

Potkettlexx · 29/02/2020 23:44

@angell84

You can tell you’re not a parent by the questions you ask.....

You don’t chose to worry about your kids. It’s because you love them more than the world and yourself. It’s a love like no other so I wouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t have children to understand as it is quite mind blowing.

Potkettlexx · 29/02/2020 23:45

ie the love you feel for them so with that love comes worry! Nightmare at times as you can’t help it

angell84 · 29/02/2020 23:47

@potkettlexx I have said that I am not a parent, on this thread.

That is why I asked. Why does nature put mothers through such extreme worry. It seems like a waste of energy.

I had a friend who was going travelling a couple of weeks ago, his mother said "what if you get killed, I will be worrying myself sick every night". He is in his thirties.

I was just wondering from a hormonal/emotional point of view - why it happens

PickMeImNice · 29/02/2020 23:47

No, I hate to say it but I would not. I find it to be a never ending thankless and repetitive chore. I know a few other mums who feel the same way. I married and had children because everyone else was and I felt I ‘should’, rather than actually wanting to.

angell84 · 29/02/2020 23:50

@Potkettlexx okay so the intense love brings intense fear?

That is one of the reasons why I don't want children, I think. I couldn't bear that kind of fear and worry

blue25 · 29/02/2020 23:50

No. Definitely not. My life was so much better before children. I resent them unfortunately.

PeridotPassion · 29/02/2020 23:51

Yes. They make my (and dh’s) lives happier, more meaningful and just all round better.

If I had a magic wand (and standard disclaimer of having the exact same kids bla bla) i’d have done it older. I was too young and hindsight is a wonderful thing. I feel I’m a much better mum now at age 33 (kids between 2 and 12) than I was at 21 when I had Ds1.

corythatwas · 29/02/2020 23:56

That is why I asked. Why does nature put mothers through such extreme worry. It seems like a waste of energy.

Even mothers have different personalities. I can't say I spend most of my time intensely worrying about dc. There have been hairy times, but a simple thing like her going travelling would not give me nightmares. I tend to assume that my dc are about as sensible and competent as I was when I was their age, and I managed.
Dd's chronic condition is a different thing, and there are aspects about that that do worry me. But even then, I am pretty good at switching off worrying thoughts until they are needed.

angell84 · 29/02/2020 23:57

That is great to hear @corythatwas. It is nice to hear that motherhood doesn't automatically bring terrible fear and worry. Which is kind of what I have heard from many women.

Potkettlexx · 29/02/2020 23:58

@angell84

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the intense love bringing intense fear.

A friend of mine recently had a child and she says it’s so true, until you have them you have no idea.

It’s like a whole new realm of love that you didn’t know existed but the shit side of that is that there is always worry.

I can honestly say that nothing could ever come close to losing my children. I love my partner but I love them unconditionally and I feel so protective of them.

Funnily enough he wants another and I don’t as I can’t handle anymore emotional distress that can find with it. To be fair I’ve got one with potential SEN so I’ve always worried.

Hope that makes sense.

Potkettlexx · 01/03/2020 00:01

Also mine are still young, under 13. I think they’re so vulnerable and young but if they were in their 20’s I wouldn’t make them feel pressured not to do something as by then they’re adults.

I’m certain I would still worry however I would know that their life is their choice

ActualHornist · 01/03/2020 00:01

I would.

But I struggle with this question because I love my children. If I had my time again, I’d probably wait a little longer - so while I’d still have children, they wouldn’t be these children. And then I feel horrible thinking I would have a different life!

Totally illogical overthinking I know!

Nearlyalmost50 · 01/03/2020 00:03

I don't live in a state of worry and fear over my children. I was always quite a worrier before children and it hasn't made it worse at all.

I absolutely would have my children again. I like them as well as love them. I am extremely lucky in the children I have had.

I think the reason I would very much have children again is because my life isn't ruined by them, I have an interesting career, friends, a nice life, very similar to the old life I had before. There were several years where it wasn't a similar life, but now they are a bit older, I don't see my childfree friends having a better life now. I am lucky though and have some family support, plus a good job, and those things have made having children and being a person in my own right possible. That's far more enjoyable than getting bogged down forever in drudgery which it can feel like at times.

Cherrysherbet · 01/03/2020 00:03

Yes, I’d make the same choice in a heartbeat 💗

catsjammies · 01/03/2020 00:04

For me yes, absolutely would have my children again. But mine are only 1 and 3, so we are very early in our parenting journey. We had thought we might go for a third at some point but I'm fairly certain I am done now. So far our children are bright and happy children. Obviously we don't know what's in store, but I feel like we rolled the dice twice and have healthy, so far typically developing kids. I suffered with birth injuries after our first and it took a lot of counselling to try again, and I feel like I got quite lucky in that I came through another birth and pregnancy unscathed. I don't want to gamble on any of those things again.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/03/2020 01:36

they often do regret not having them especially when they are older and friends with children are busy with grandkids.

Neither me nor any of my childfree friends regret not having children. We had no interest in children so we certainly wouldn’t have any interest in grandchildren. I feel so sorry for women who are now repeating childcare when they’ve already brought up their own children. I think they’re absolute fools for allowing themselves to be taken advantage of when they should be free to enjoy life like those of us who are child/grandchild free.

SuperMumTum · 01/03/2020 07:00

@AlexaAmbidextra some women enjoy being grandparents and spending time with their grandchildren. Most parents don't demand childcare from grandparents and the relationship is a mutually enjoyable one.

user1483387154 · 01/03/2020 07:02

yes but in different circumstances. I would have stayed in england so had support from friends and family and not had to do everything alone in a country I barely speak the language.

SuperMumTum · 01/03/2020 07:06

I would do the same again without changing a thing. I had my kids after travelling, developing a career, and settling down. I was ready for them. I would also still choose the same father for them even though he left us for an OW. His family are great and the kids like him even though it makes my life more complicated.

The only regret I have is bringing them into an increasingly unstable world and leaving the next generation to deal with climate change and economic destruction. Even really young children have a lot of pressure on them as we've seen in Bristol this week with primary age children feeling they have to march with Greta.

Mummadeeze · 01/03/2020 07:09

My life became more stable when I had my DD which was/is a good thing. I led a party lifestyle before and regularly made risky decisions. You could look at me now and say I am more boring, but I am much happier and fulfilled. I love my DD so much and she makes me want to be the best person I can be.

pumpkinpie01 · 01/03/2020 07:18

No regrets here , my first was unplanned and I was barely 19 when I had him , my life took a completely different turn than I had planned in my teenage head but you crack on with it and do the best you can . I was a single mum for 8 years to 3 dc and that was challenging but I feel immensely proud of their achievements as adults and I love being their mum.

damnthatanxiety · 01/03/2020 07:25

I get really anxious and suffer depression. It is all centred around my dc and my fears and worries about them. I also had 20 years of hormonal fluctuations that crippled my mind. I love them more than life but I do wonder if I would have been a happier, lighter-minded individual had I not had any. Or perhaps I would have found another thing to focus my negativity on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YouDoYou18 · 01/03/2020 07:27

Definitely! Sometimes it’s hard and I sit down and think of the easy days before children and how much I took it for granted.. but that’s only because I’m tired and stressed and also pregnant so hormonal 😂 in reality I adore my children and every five minutes they do or say something that makes me love them 1000x more than I already do, I honestly couldn’t live without them

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