to really not care if my son's female teacher talks about her wife?

[DrSeuss]

Discovered the other day that a female teacher who has since left both the school and teaching to take up another career was asked by SLT to not mention her wife to students. I sometimes mention my husband to pupils, e.g., "This experiment is the kind of thing my husband does a lot in his job" or "My husband uses German a lot in his line of work as the company does business with lots of German companies." although I don't give them specifics of our life together as that is neither relevant or appropriate in my opinion. However, the kids know I am married and a few basic facts such as what he does for a living. As the mother of a Y9 boy at another school, it wouldn't bother me at all if he was aware of a teacher's same sex partner. To clarify, she wasn't "promoting" a gay life style, she was saying things such as, "My wife and I went on a trip to London over half term." If she'd said, "My husband, " no one would have cared.

Would any of you be bothered by casual references to a same sex partner in conversation? If so, please can you articulate why as I just don't see it.

'Kids aren’t as accepting yet as the media would have us believe.'

Totally disagree - I'm very involved in a LGBT family support grp with 1k+ members and in our experience the children are fine, it's the adults around them who create the issues.

Children are so accepting, when they see Jenny has two mums their reaction is, 'Oh okay. I have a mum and a dad.'
Or they might say "why does Jenny have two mums?' 'Or why did your mum marry a girl not a boy.' - and as long as the grown up they ask replies along the lines of - You marry the person you like the best. It's all good.
It's only when the adults tell the kids it's 'wrong' or perverted or won't talk about it at all or tell them to stay away from Jenny that the problems start.

Loads of your kids teachers are gay, LOADS.

@Walkthedinosauuuuur

It's no different. It would be homophobic to think otherwise.

1000% this.

Homosexuality is as normal as heterosexuality, I don’t understand why people think children should grow up thinking anything else.

Children will naturally think there is something ’wrong’ with something if they have been ‘shielded’ from it.
I have always believed this is the cause of a lot of homophobia in our society.

I think it’s good for kids to hear this about their teachers! When my dds nursery teacher was off for a bit, my daughter asked her where she’d been:

“I just had a baby, I had some time at home with him”
“But your tummy didn’t get big!”
“No, because the baby grew in my wife’s tummy”
“Ok, let’s go play”

I literally doesn’t have to be more complex than that, and kids are so much more accepting and they learn tolerance if they see that all people are different from a young age.

Schools that try to gag teachers over stuff like this because they don't want any hassle from parents who think it's 'promoting' homosexuality should think about the message that they're sending to the children - gay and straight - that attend the school and the harm that they're doing to the LGBT kids as well as their own staff.

It's okay to tell kids that LGBT exist and marry and sometimes have kids. It's also okay to say that most men marry women, and most women marry men too.

Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.

No, I really don't have to admit that. If a family is open and comfy talking about and answering questions about relationships, sexuality and that sort of thing as they arise, then children learn very early on about same sex relationships, alongside of learning about heterosexual birds and bees. Even earlier if the parents have gay friends who are married, or they have friends who have gay parents. Which many do.

It can be very useful for a child who knows that they are gay to feel okay about that, and comfortable sharing that information with their family and friends and knowing they will be loved for who and what they are, and supported. According to my daughter anyway, who knew she was gay when still at primary school, and felt able to share that with us.

Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.

This is ridiculous. DS9 recently had to go to A&E and whilst he was there a nurse was chatting away to him about what he'd been up to during lockdown and said "my girlfriend" during the course of the conversation. He's 9 and didn't bat an eyelid. Because he understands that men can love men like women can love women.

We left A&E and he sat in the car and said "does that mean the nurse is a lesbian like Aunty L?" (my younger sister, who has a female partner) and that was that. I don't know any 9 year olds who'd be confused by a man having a husband or a woman having a wife. Nothing "cool mom" about the fact that children are often better able to process same sex relationships than some adults.

'Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.'

Perhaps if you live in some bible belt town where the norm is to pretend that LGBT people don't even exist you might get 'puzzled' face but not in the real world.
If anything that shows how necessary it is for parents to talk to their kids and for schools to be inclusive in their teaching of PHSE. No junior school kid in 2020 should be shocked at the fact that marriage equality exists.

When our son went to nursery it was a complete non-issue that he had 2 mums, not one of the children batted an eyelid even though we were, for many of them as they were all tiny, the first rainbow family they knew.

Kids don't care, sometimes the parents do, but luckily for the most part, they don't care either.

Kids get that families can be different, because many of them are in a single parent family, a blended family, have grandparents bringing them up instead of parents. Having 2 moms or dads is just another iteration to them.
That mum/dad/kid nuclear family model is no longer the only family model and not because a handful of LGBT people having families either.

Remember that students could have two mums too. Of course its discrimination and she should fight it.

Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.

When I was 7 my parents bought a house from a gay couple. My parents explained to me that they were two men who were together like Mummy and Daddy were, and that some people like to go out with someone of the same sex, instead of someone from the opposite sex.

I remember asking my Dad if the couple were married and he said no, only a man and a woman are allowed to get married, not two men or two women. I remember thinking it was a bit unfair and carried on my day.

I don't think I would have been confused if gay marriage had been legal in the 90s and my Dad had said 'yes, they are married'. It never occurred to me before then that there were rules about who could get married and who couldn't.

There still seems to be this fear with some straight people that if their kid sees that someone they'd admire or is a role model for them is gay then that somehow will mean their kid will want to be gay or 'turn out' gay. And being gay = wrong/bad/against God.

@Seacharts no they don’t, kids don’t find it hard to understand at all. The only time they’d find it hard to understand is if you’ve parented them in an aggressively heterosexual narrative and/or you are homophobic yourself. Children aren’t stupid and pick up on their parents views on things, no matter how subtle. But children understand gay relationships quite easily, it’s not exactly a difficult concept

YANBU & I actually think it should be encouraged. There will likely be at least one child in that classroom who is/will grow up to be gay, and may never have been around a gay adult. It's so important for them (and all kids really) to see that healthy, loving gay relationships are totally normal.

@Ticktocklovelyclock

It's okay to tell kids that LGBT exist and marry and sometimes have kids. It's also okay to say that most men marry women, and most women marry men too.

No one says it isn't.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. In fact, quite the opposite, id be pleased at my child being exposed to same-sex relationships in a natural way like this rather than having to make a point of teaching it (I don't think that comes across as I mean it but hopefully you know what I mean). Very sorry to hear this happened, it's awful, but I can sadly believe it.

When I did my training back in 2012, the headteacher used the staff briefing session one Monday morning to implore us all to sign a petition to prevent same sex marriage from being introduced. He then put a sheet up on the notice board in the staff room for us to sign. Absolutely appalling.

Ticktocklovelyclock Wow heterosexuals love to make it all about them, ‘some people like the same gender and some people like the opposite gender’ is a better message than your message of ‘most people like the opposite gender but I guess some people like the same gender but not many hehe’

Love is love, people.

@Davincitoad

I worked at a catholic school. Female friend married a woman. Very much not allowed to discuss it at all- told my management

So if the children asked of she 2as married or saw her outside of school, what was she supposed to do? Lie?

I'd prefer that teachers did not talk about their family at all, as they should have some privacy, but if they do, then who they are in a relationship with should not matter.

Late 90s, while doing my Secondary PGCE my tutor said we should share stuff about our lives with the children as it helped to build relationships. I think he even mentioned an ‘openly gay’ teacher he knew. I said I might not mention my wife at my current teaching practice, not knowing what the school was like and how it might be received.

Next time I was in school, the deputy head took me aside to very patronisingly tell me not to say anything about my “home life” to the children. Wish I had complained about this tutor, he was very poor in general, not just with confidentiality.

I only lasted a few years in teaching - I would have hoped general attitudes would have changed and it does sound great in some schools.

So I just wonder, would the teachers “wife” describe the teacher as “husband”, as in “husband and wife” ? otherwise it’d be “wife and wife”. I could imagine that could cause confusion.

In our eagerness to show we aren’t homophobic this is something that should be thought through properly.

If that’s true, it’s disgusting. Why on Earth shouldn’t she refer to her wife? My DD’s teacher mentions her husband and children occasionally, it’s natural they they come up in conversation.

@lovelifehope

So I just wonder, would the teachers “wife” describe the teacher as “husband”, as in “husband and wife” ? otherwise it’d be “wife and wife”. I could imagine that could cause confusion.

In our eagerness to show we aren’t homophobic this is something that should be thought through properly.

Think what through? That two women who are married are called wife and wife?

If you think that's confusing I'd suggest you aren't giving children enough credit.

@1234512345Meh

Sadly, having had experience in a catholic school, I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened there.

(Disclaimer: this may or may not represent all catholic schools)

I used to work in a Catholic school. One of our teachers became pregnant and was given "extra leave" as soon as she started to show. She was forbidden from discussing it with any of the pupils or parents and had to stay away from school during this time. Parents were told that she was "unwell". She was told, by the head, that she must be married before returning after her normal maternity leave. This was only 6 years ago.

So the idea that a gay teacher was told not to discuss her home life doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Saddens me but doesn't surprise.