Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not care if my son's female teacher talks about her wife?

188 replies

DrSeuss · 29/02/2020 20:28

Discovered the other day that a female teacher who has since left both the school and teaching to take up another career was asked by SLT to not mention her wife to students. I sometimes mention my husband to pupils, e.g., "This experiment is the kind of thing my husband does a lot in his job" or "My husband uses German a lot in his line of work as the company does business with lots of German companies." although I don't give them specifics of our life together as that is neither relevant or appropriate in my opinion. However, the kids know I am married and a few basic facts such as what he does for a living. As the mother of a Y9 boy at another school, it wouldn't bother me at all if he was aware of a teacher's same sex partner. To clarify, she wasn't "promoting" a gay life style, she was saying things such as, "My wife and I went on a trip to London over half term." If she'd said, "My husband, " no one would have cared.

Would any of you be bothered by casual references to a same sex partner in conversation? If so, please can you articulate why as I just don't see it.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 29/02/2020 20:46

Doesn't bother me if someone mentions their partner or family life in front of my ds as long as it just facts.

Doesn't bother me if ds mentions our family set up to teachers as long as they aren't unprofessionally interfering. (Which I've never come across!)

Couldn't care less what their family set up is either. And don't think anyone should have to hide their life away.

2 years ago a student I taught (special ed) had a sister who was in same tutor group as my ds in their school! Actually helpful as he got her for secret Santa so I could ask advice Grin

When I've been off half a day/ few hours before to take my ds (also with send) to an appointment I've told my students if they've asked. Not what and who and why but certainly "I took miniweird to a hospital appointment".

RedRed9 · 29/02/2020 20:48

This is discrimination.

I had the exact opposite experience in a school I worked at!

They very much wanted me to be ok with casually mentioning my same sex partner while teaching (if it was relevant). Although it didn’t actually come up for the few years that I was there if I remember correctly.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/02/2020 20:49

I don't think teachers should talk about their family/partners at all, regardless of sexual orientation. Just can't see how it's relevant.

God, what a joyless vision of relationships between human beings you have. I bet you're desperate for the AI revolution, when all lessons can be delivered by emotionless robots and we can eradicate human teachers and their messy human lives completely, just in case your child is contaminated by the realisation that we have partners and children and feelings.

A teacher friend of mine has a wife and children and it is no more of an issue than me having a husband and child. Because everyone realises that we live in the twenty-first century and that the only people who really need to be judged are the bigoted and homophobic.

MitziK · 29/02/2020 20:52

Wouldn't bother me - but I can see how it would be potentially difficult in a Church School or the ones with batshit Evangelical parents who couldn't get their kids into a church school

WorraLiberty · 29/02/2020 20:52

Sadly, having had experience in a catholic school, I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened there.

There are lots of faith schools I could imagine that happening in tbh.

user1958532689654 · 29/02/2020 20:58

I hate the notion of "promoting a gay lifestyle" like it's a hobby or fad or something included in a new year resolution like going to the gym. I can't think of a time I've heard anyone talk about "the straight lifestyle", let alone reassure others they're not trying to "promote" it just by mentioning they have a spouse.

Musmerian · 29/02/2020 20:58

@user1497207191 - I’m a secondary school teacher and use family anecdotes a lot in teaching. I’m a human being not a robot and teaching is as much about forging good relationships as anything else. It’s not a knowledge conveyor belt.

roarfeckingroar · 29/02/2020 21:00

YANBU at all

cabbageking · 29/02/2020 21:02

Involved in both faith and non faith schools and it isn't an issue.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 29/02/2020 21:05

As long as all the teachers were told not to mention their partners, regardless of their gender, then yes, this is ok. If she was singled out on the basis of her sexuality then no, not ok, and she should have kicked up a bloody huge fuss.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 29/02/2020 21:07

I hate the notion of "promoting a gay lifestyle" like it's a hobby or fad or something included in a new year resolution like going to the gym

Couldn't agree more. It's patronising and ridiculous.

5zeds · 29/02/2020 21:11

I have no problem with it at all, but do have a problem with school asking her to hide it. Outrageous!Angry

Itstheprinciple · 29/02/2020 21:13

Sorry I clicked the wrong option so take my vote as it's fine to mention.

BlueHarry · 29/02/2020 21:18

If you click the wrong vote you can just click the other option to change it principle.

Yanbu op, I see no problem with teachers talking a little about their family life. If this particular school doesn't allow it all then fair enough, but if they singled out this one teacher for being in a same sex relationship then that's homophobic.

NaviSprite · 29/02/2020 21:19

I has a teacher in secondary school who was a lesbian, she spoke once of her girlfriend and because of the reaction from the Male students in the class (14-15yo) she decided to go with ‘partner’ after that (with encouragement from the HOY and HT) That’s the only example I can give that obviously is very specific.

It wouldn’t bother me one iota if a teacher spoke of their OH’s in class.

NaviSprite · 29/02/2020 21:20

Had* dammit typing on my phone is difficult with plasters on both thumbs Grin

Seacharts · 29/02/2020 21:20

Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.

Kids aren’t as accepting yet as the media would have us believe.

And the private lives of teachers are irrelevant to the children, so it’s unnecessary to include them. Our headmaster happily declared on the newsletter he’s expecting a baby with one of the teachers. We all thought he was happily married. Seems not anymore, and the new partner is in her 20s compared to his 50s, so it’s a bit of a gossipfest now.

ApplesinmyPocket · 29/02/2020 21:26

Some people are married to people of the same sex and some to the opposite sex. That's just how it is and a female teacher saying 'my wife' in a quite natural context is one of the ways we should be showing our kids that that's how it is.

LizzieBananas · 29/02/2020 21:27

As a gay teacher, I was pleasantly surprised with how well my school (both pupils and staff) acted towards me. However, if she has a paper trail and is leaving the profession (and it’s not a faith school), she should take them to the cleaners.

Bookoffacts · 29/02/2020 21:29

It would be nice to get rid of homophobia, of course. But teenagers are mean, stupid and follow the law of the mob.
I've been friends with quite a few gay and lesbian teachers over the years since 1991 to 2020 and no one has ever wanted to tell the kids. It's always been personal preference to not tell ime.
Have any of you ever tried teaching in a secondary because it's a fact of life that your little darlings are not that nice. However we'd like them to be.
Go ahead and blame the teachers but no one (teachers) wants to be name called or have 5x the difficulty in maintaining class control or lose their career because they can't stand another minute of it.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 29/02/2020 21:30

I don't like it when teachers mention their home lives tbh. DD's current teacher is constantly talking about her DH and her family and her upbringing. I wish she'd just focus on teaching.
Thinking back, I don't remember any of our high school teachers talking about their private or home lives except the young male teacher who had affairs with pupils

AudTheDeepMinded · 29/02/2020 21:31

@Wigeon our biology teacher played the class a home video of his wife giving birth! early 90s, what a time to be a student!

D4rwin · 29/02/2020 21:32

Puzzled? No I think this is just you projecting your own confusion there. Which media are trying to.make us believe what exactly that children have yet to make their minds up on what families "should" look.like?
There's been a child with same sex parents in every playgroup, nursery, primary school and secondary school my children have all been to so far.
I think you just need to diversify your social group, especially if gossiping about the head teachers private life is actually a thing.

SarahAndQuack · 29/02/2020 21:34

most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband

Kids aren’t as accepting yet as the media would have us believe.

I think this is a naive view. IME most junior school age kids also show a puzzled face when we suggest the earth is round, that long division is possible, and that their hands are actually quit dirty.

Children are often unaware of things, and sometimes it's funny how they misunderstand the world.

That's not the same as not being accepting.

FWIW, I teach students who are in HE, so aged 18-21, and I sometimes end up dropping in references to my family situation, so I agree that it's normal to do so. I'm struck by posters who think it's avoidable, because of course in some situations it's really not. Three years ago I was teaching and had to tell all my students I would be going on parental leave in the next few weeks. Of course, they could see I was not pregnant, so they must have concluded either that I was adopting a child, or they my partner was the one who was pregnant.

There are sometimes unavoidable, obvious biological reasons why you can tell if someone is in a same-sex relationship. It's not something a teacher can always cover up, and why should they?

SimonJT · 29/02/2020 21:41

An ex is a teacher, he was told off by his line manager because I picked him up after a school trip and students/parents may have witnessed it.

The other teachers were picked up by their partners, they were heterosexual, none of them were giving a dressing down the next day.

It’s genuinely worrying as those members of teaching staff hold prejudices against their own pupils.

Swipe left for the next trending thread