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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really not care if my son's female teacher talks about her wife?

188 replies

DrSeuss · 29/02/2020 20:28

Discovered the other day that a female teacher who has since left both the school and teaching to take up another career was asked by SLT to not mention her wife to students. I sometimes mention my husband to pupils, e.g., "This experiment is the kind of thing my husband does a lot in his job" or "My husband uses German a lot in his line of work as the company does business with lots of German companies." although I don't give them specifics of our life together as that is neither relevant or appropriate in my opinion. However, the kids know I am married and a few basic facts such as what he does for a living. As the mother of a Y9 boy at another school, it wouldn't bother me at all if he was aware of a teacher's same sex partner. To clarify, she wasn't "promoting" a gay life style, she was saying things such as, "My wife and I went on a trip to London over half term." If she'd said, "My husband, " no one would have cared.

Would any of you be bothered by casual references to a same sex partner in conversation? If so, please can you articulate why as I just don't see it.

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 29/02/2020 21:41

I would have no problem with it at all. In the school that I work a former Principal (I'm in USA, same as a Head Master) was (still is obviously) lesbian and had a wife. It was not a secret from the children.

Khione · 29/02/2020 21:44

I think that teachers talking about same sex partners where relevant is a good way of helping children accept the normalcy of (a) teachers and (b) normality.
For many young children even accepting teachers are 'people' and have a life outside school is a big step. Accepting relationships is the next step and it really doesn't matter who it is with.

Luunaa · 29/02/2020 21:47

I'm gay and work in a school. The teens all know I have a wife and a son. I think visibility is so important- it's also my legal right not to be told to hide it, unless the school policy is for all staff not to mention their spouses.

emilybrontescorsett · 29/02/2020 21:48

Dd is in 6th form and one of her male teachers talks about his husband. Dr doesn't bat an eyelid and neither do I.
I think it's good for pupils to be aware of all different types of families.

TabbyCatPaws · 29/02/2020 21:50

I find this really odd and very sad that there are any schools in this country where this would be an issue. Its 2020, homophobia is not acceptable!

corythatwas · 29/02/2020 21:51

Also- surely teachers quite often live in the local community, are next-door neighbours to their pupils, shop in the same shops, have kids in the local school, join the same voluntary organisations as their parents. How are they supposed to keep a same-sex partner secret?

PoodleJ · 29/02/2020 21:53

I wish that more teachers would feel comfortable about talking about whatever family situation they’re in. It doesn’t matter what sex someone’s partner is and students should see this as the norm.
I often mention my family, upbringing and hobbies to my classes. It shows that I’m human and have a life outside of the classroom. I have great relationships with my groups, this means that they want to do well for me and I learn about them too this means I can link the lesson to their knowledge and interests.

Bluewater1 · 29/02/2020 21:55

Visibility matters. Especially to YP who may be questioning their sexuality.
To stop someone mentioning their spouse could be discrimination under the equality act if heterosexual teachers are allowed to mention their spouse

LowcaAndroidow · 29/02/2020 21:57

@Seacharts "Unless you’re lying or trying too hard to be a desperately ‘cool mom’ on public parenting forums, you’ll admit that most junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband."
Whenever my children have talked about marriage or boyfriends/girlfriends, I've mentioned that they could marry men or women. I've told them how all families are different and some children only have a mum, or have two mums, or live with their nan.
Now at junior age, if you gave them this information for the first time, they might look a bit puzzled - but surely most children won't have been shielded from normal life?

Devlesko · 29/02/2020 21:57

Same sex or opposite I find it unprofessional. Never felt the need to discuss my family in front of students.
So yes, I would be bothered but not for the same sex reason.

TheTrollFairy · 29/02/2020 21:58

I would have no issue with it. it’s none of my business who any teacher (or other human) marries. I know a number of same sex couples, some with kids, so for my DD it’s perfectly normal anyway but even if we didn’t know any same sex couples, I don’t see why love or marriage is only acceptable between a man and a woman.

derxa · 29/02/2020 22:00

I don't think teachers should talk about their family/partners at all, regardless of sexual orientation. Just can't see how it's relevant.
Yep Nobody's business

Oysterbabe · 29/02/2020 22:02

It's really important to me that my children see same sex couples as completely unremarkable. I'm all for them being mentioned in the same way you'd mention any partner. My kids need to know that if one of them is gay then it will not be a problem for me or their dad whatsoever in any way.

SarahAndQuack · 29/02/2020 22:04

All the people who think it's unprofessional - did you campaign against the wearing of wedding rings prior to the legalisation of equal marriage?

I must be so out of the loop! I never heard of those campaigns.

How silly of me.

Falcor40 · 29/02/2020 22:06

We had this conversation the other week. Two of my best friends are women and married to each other. So my children have grown up knowing that people of the same sec can get married. They don’t even think about it. Yet someone said the lunch lady asked their child(f). If she was going to marry a boy or a woman when at the achool. The mum went nuts. Saying it wasn’t her right to say that.

It’s strange.

Falcor40 · 29/02/2020 22:06

Sec= sex

Sorry. New phone.

Bouncingbelle · 29/02/2020 22:11

I would be absolutely fine with it & think it could actually be helpful for those children who are realising they are gay, as it 'normalises' same sex relationships.

Cherrysoup · 29/02/2020 22:15

Wouldn’t bother me-why would it? But I know some heterosexual couples would object to this at school. One gay teacher at my school is out to the kids, the other isn’t. She doesn’t consider it relevant. I’m happy to mention my dh, but don’t do it much, it just rarely comes up.

Thinkingabout1t · 29/02/2020 22:27

Apparently a lot of gender non-conforming children who are steered into believing they're transgender are actually gay, but finding that hard to accept, whereas being trans looks cool. So it's actually helpful if they know that some of their teachers and other possible role models are gay.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 29/02/2020 22:31

I actually couldn't care less of someone's partners gender if they're mentioned anecdotally in conversation. It's a none issue, I don't understand how anyone especially in this day and age could make it so.
I am curious to why 2% voted that they shouldn't be mentioned and if they feel the same about a straight couple.

gamerwidow · 29/02/2020 22:36

junior school age kids still show a puzzled face as to how a woman can have a wife, or a man can have a husband.
for about 5 seconds until you say sometimes men and women are married, sometimes men and men are married and sometimes women and women are married. Then they shrug their shoulders and move on. It isn't the big deal you think it is. Even in infants DD was able to understand that gay people existed.

Lumene · 29/02/2020 22:39

No different for same sex opposite sex.

Generally no need to refer to your other half as a teacher though. Can’t remember any teacher ever doing this when I was at school.

Asterisktheknackered · 29/02/2020 22:41

Proud to say my kids are at a school where 2 females teachers are married and we are currently celebrating the birth of their first baby.

Lumene · 29/02/2020 22:41

Yet someone said the lunch lady asked their child(f). If she was going to marry a boy or a woman when at the achool. The mum went nuts. Saying it wasn’t her right to say that.

That is a random thing to ask a child though - why assume they will marry anyone at all?!?

zeebeedee · 29/02/2020 22:41

Sea change. I'm neither lying or desperate to be cool, but my Y4 son is taught once a week by a gay man who sometimes mentions his husband. My son, and his classmates are totally accepting of this, it's really not a big deal- or even the most interesting thing about Mr X (they love him because he teaches them old cheesy dances like the birdie song, and the macarena)
Possibly they are all more accepting because they are more aware, they have a classmate who has 2 dads, and they have all known that since nursery.

OP the teacher you are talking about should definitely take it further