MIL wants DC to refer to her as deceased FIL's first name rather than her own

[LaBelleSauvage]

My MIL has announced that she wants to be known as "Granny Charles" (Charles being my deceased FILs first name) rather than "Granny" or "Granny Susan" (her first name) or "Granny Davenport" (their last name).

I never knew my FIL as he died some time before I met my husband. We have already agreed to name any first born son "Charles" to honour DH's father. I don't want my DD referring to her granny as granny 'deceased grandfather's name' as I find it sexist (she has her own name), morbid (he's her dead husband) and inappropriate (if we end up with a son also named Charles). DH on the fence.

I understand that she wants to keep him in memory but to me it feels uncomfortable.

For background, my MIL has form for being an interfering control freak and politically sits somewhere to the right of Mussolini with reference to women, immigration, race, the poor, etc, so I understand this may be colouring my view of whether this request in itself is unreasonable. So as not to drip feed, we have a strained relationship as I'm a working female doctor rather than a 'proper stay at home mother', I vote more liberally, and occasionally have felt obligated to call her out if she mentions 'the blacks' or indeed 'the jews'.

I would like her to pick a grandparent name (Gran/Grandma/Granny/Nan/whatever else) and either leave it at that or add in her own first or last name if she wishes.

So Mumsnet! Tell me: AIBU?

I used to know someone and in their circle all the grandchildren called their grandfathers papa.

Have no idea where it came from I'd never heard it before and never heard it since.

And no it was a tradition from their 'culture' or any other, as far as I'm aware, unless it was one they'd adopted.

I really don't think it matters. It'll end up being 'ganny' or whatever they can manage anyway as what baby can say 'Charles'

*And no it wasn't a tradition, that should be.

Charles is a man's name but are trans-grandads grannies, or trans-grannies grandads?

One granny identifying as two grandparents though, it's original! The perfectly non-binary Granny Duo? Granny Chimera? GranGran?

Oh it’s really creepy. What if she starts wearing wearing a Charles mask

Oooh, I bet she's got some of his old shirts! Maybe a hat and gloves?

Yeah that’s not right. I get she’s trying to honour him, but it’s like she’s saying she has no identity other than as his wife. She must be struggling that he’s gone, there is no time line for grief, but your husband being on the fence is a bit disturbing.

I’m guessing he just doesn’t have the emotional ability or balls to deal with it. Or I’m hoping, because if it’s the case he genuinely does think it’s ok, then the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Would he also like to be known as daddy Charles, or you as mummy Charles?

So I’d guess the question is, does he genuinely not know it’s odd, or is he just not able to deal with it, so pretending.

For what its worth I think your mil sounds crazy and controlling.
Decide on names you both love and do not be pressurised. (Mil tried to tell me what to call ds ) dh was not fussed on my choice but I got my way and he loves his name .
Your dh must support you re mil. He cannot sit on the fence. Decide what you feel is right and stick to it. In our case one gran was known as granny and the other nanny followed by their surnames.
Good wishes with all.

Let it go.

Your dc will work out their own way. And your MIL will adapt.

Come on Bluntness, she can call herself whatever she wants and OP’s husband has the common sense to know it’s not their circus or monkeys.

aliasgrape one of my kids also has a grandma Dave!

Let her be Granny Charles. It's a bit odd but your DC won't know any different and actually, it doesn't matter. As long as she's a good granny, who cares about what she calls herself? Hopefully she will be a great support with your DC. Congrats on your soon to be arrival

Totally bonkers!!!

No. She might like being called it, but your husband having to use his father's name to her, would be horribly uncomfortable, I'd have thought.

I couldn't do it. No way could I call my mother my late father's name. It would be actively upsetting, even though he's been dead for some time.

Granny C as a compromise?

Yanbu

I love your description of "somewhere to the right of Mussolini" !

Point out to her that when your DS starts school it will cause confusion if ‘Granny Charles’ will collect him sometimes! Should they be expecting a man or a woman?