MIL wants DC to refer to her as deceased FIL's first name rather than her own

[LaBelleSauvage]

My MIL has announced that she wants to be known as "Granny Charles" (Charles being my deceased FILs first name) rather than "Granny" or "Granny Susan" (her first name) or "Granny Davenport" (their last name).

I never knew my FIL as he died some time before I met my husband. We have already agreed to name any first born son "Charles" to honour DH's father. I don't want my DD referring to her granny as granny 'deceased grandfather's name' as I find it sexist (she has her own name), morbid (he's her dead husband) and inappropriate (if we end up with a son also named Charles). DH on the fence.

I understand that she wants to keep him in memory but to me it feels uncomfortable.

For background, my MIL has form for being an interfering control freak and politically sits somewhere to the right of Mussolini with reference to women, immigration, race, the poor, etc, so I understand this may be colouring my view of whether this request in itself is unreasonable. So as not to drip feed, we have a strained relationship as I'm a working female doctor rather than a 'proper stay at home mother', I vote more liberally, and occasionally have felt obligated to call her out if she mentions 'the blacks' or indeed 'the jews'.

I would like her to pick a grandparent name (Gran/Grandma/Granny/Nan/whatever else) and either leave it at that or add in her own first or last name if she wishes.

So Mumsnet! Tell me: AIBU?

That's rather weird

My kids called there nan nanny ping or makka pakka she microwaved everything and yes she does wash stones 🤫

YANBU and if you have a son and call him Charles, it's just weird and confusing to then call his grandmother Granny Charles...

She should use Granny Susan or Granny Davenport and just be done with it.

I’d give her granny Charles. But hell would freeze over before I didn’t get to pick my own child’s name with complete free will. I’d perhaps agree to it for a middle name but not a first name.

Where do people get off demanding what you do with your own children.
What's wrong with Granny?
Personally, I don't like granny (name), gc can call me anything else they like except for my christian name.
You decide what she is called, and nobody else.

She sounds hard work and I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to that. I'd say she can be Granny Davenport as that is also FIL's name or Granny.

And I wouldn't be giving a boy Charles as a first name. He needs his own name not to be a walking memorial to a relative he will never know. You could always give it to him as a second (or third name).

Do you actually like the name Charles?

YANBU, that's ludicrous

Now I want to know who the 7% are who think you're being U..

Just train your DD to call her Granny Gaga. I would personally call her Granny Batshit, but probably not in front of your DD.

You call her what you feel comfortable with, she references herself with what she likes. When your child's old enough to understand then you can explain to her her grandmother's request.

Is she lonely? Maybe she’s thinking too much over her past. The best way to deal with her issues is more contact rather than less and more contact that makes her feel useful and gives her contact with the grandkids. For example ask her to come over regularly for dinner or let her sit and play with the kids a few times a week over tea. After the baby is born maybe she could come over and help with the other kids. This request isn’t normal and would worry me if I were her child.

She needs something to look forward to every week

Granny Batshit

Your DC would never have met Charles, so won't make the connection, they'll just assume it's her name or that she's eccentric, or not think about it at all.

In formal terms, she's got it the wrong way around. A woman is 'Mrs Charles Davenport' while her husband is alive (I do hope you've fictionalised the names here, or she'll be able to find this thread by searching his name), then becomes 'Mrs Susan Davenport' when she becomes a widow.

It seems a very odd thing to do. Even if she's very traditionalist - I don't think it was really ever a tradition to use your late husband's first name in this way (in postal addresses, yes - 'Mrs. John Smith', etc.; but not with 'Granny'). However, it's her choice how she wishes to be called. But the children are not necessarily bound to follow her wishes!

In isolation, I don't find it that weird to be honest. The children in question won't find it morbid as they won't know any different. You can always explain to them that Grandma is following an old fashioned naming tradition that most people don't believe in any more.

I'd pick my battles to be honest. In your shoes I'd probably let this go but I wouldn't stand for the other stuff. Such as no racist comments in front of the kids.

I would just calmly make it clear that it is morbid. BUT, if she really wants to be called that, you'll consider it, but she has to then understand that you will NEVER use that name for a child in your family going forward. You won't have two. Creepy.

somewhere to the right of Mussolini

We would be the only ones picking our child’s first name.

The calling her by ‘Granny Charles thing is strange but I’d probably just let it go.

I’d probably be NC or LC with any relative with her views though as I’d be constantly pulling her up on them which would be draining and wouldn’t want my kids thinking those views are ok.

She sounds awful.

Go for the jugular. Nana Reich.

Its weird. But I suspect the child(ren) will sort it out and hust use Granny anyway. Ar least thats my experience. We all use Granny/Grandad name to differentiate them when speaking about them in their absence (eg we are going to see granny dora today) but to their face they are just granny.

This is one of those, "I defend your right to be extremely odd" moments.

She sounds awful, I would hate to be around her, but I try to respect other people's preferences when it comes to how they label themselves etc. If she wishes to subsume herself under the shadow of her dead husband, so be it.

It's an opportunity to educate the kids on the fact that plenty of people believe strange things...

She's as mad as bunch of frogs.

Why is everyone pretending that it's not normal to bake one of your children after a deceased relative??? It's really common and is meant to honour their lives.

I’d go with Granny Charles. Give in on a trivial matter (which she may not think trivial) and you have more leeway for refusing more intrusive demands. Like calling a future DS Charles, if you don’t want to. Though as a second or third name for DS it wouldn’t bother me.

I'd agree and hope that your DM is happy to be something else. As long as there's only one granny, you'll never need to use the Charles bit anyway.