MIL wants DC to refer to her as deceased FIL's first name rather than her own

[LaBelleSauvage]

My MIL has announced that she wants to be known as "Granny Charles" (Charles being my deceased FILs first name) rather than "Granny" or "Granny Susan" (her first name) or "Granny Davenport" (their last name).

I never knew my FIL as he died some time before I met my husband. We have already agreed to name any first born son "Charles" to honour DH's father. I don't want my DD referring to her granny as granny 'deceased grandfather's name' as I find it sexist (she has her own name), morbid (he's her dead husband) and inappropriate (if we end up with a son also named Charles). DH on the fence.

I understand that she wants to keep him in memory but to me it feels uncomfortable.

For background, my MIL has form for being an interfering control freak and politically sits somewhere to the right of Mussolini with reference to women, immigration, race, the poor, etc, so I understand this may be colouring my view of whether this request in itself is unreasonable. So as not to drip feed, we have a strained relationship as I'm a working female doctor rather than a 'proper stay at home mother', I vote more liberally, and occasionally have felt obligated to call her out if she mentions 'the blacks' or indeed 'the jews'.

I would like her to pick a grandparent name (Gran/Grandma/Granny/Nan/whatever else) and either leave it at that or add in her own first or last name if she wishes.

So Mumsnet! Tell me: AIBU?

Yanbu it's morbid

That's quite creepy and obsessive... is/was she one of those women who think their husband is/was god? And how can she be against women? She is one

Well, if you end up acquiescing, don’t call any son of yours Charles! In fact it might be a convenient was of NOT calling your son Charles!

Also, why would you call your son Charles? He's not a living memorial to the father in law.

Train your child to call her Granny, you have far more influence than anyone else. In reality, the baby will more than likely make up a name. Tell your husband to get off the fence, it's weird and he knows it.

She sounds horrible, but I can’t say this particular thing would really bother me tbh.

I wouldn’t also give the name to a son though!

Definitely don’t call your son Charles, that will make her worse! Middle name at most.

Normally I'm a bit "let the Grandparents choose", but what your MiL is suggesting is weird, for all the reasons you list.

YANBU at all.

I would pick my battles carefully with Granny Charles.

Does it really matter. It's her name. In reality unless there is a granny something else she will just be granny.

If she wanted to be Granny fuckface I would take issue.

You think it is morbid but you would name a son after FIL, why is that not morbid?

YANBU. Very odd request.

In my experience kids end up picking their own names for grandparents anyway. The Granny/Grandma/Nanny distinction tends to come from you but whatever comes after is usually a nickname of sorts. DS called my mum Nanny Cod for a few years as she always said ‘God bless’ and he misheard it as cod . We still use it now and again as a wee in joke.

Ineedaholiday she’s REnaming herself after her dead husband. Bit different, don’t you think?

I normally think it's for the grandparents to choose. But that's not normal.

If that's the case I wouldn't be naming my son after FIL. I don't think I'd particularly worry about it though - just refer to her as Granny which is what your DC will then do and I doubt the Charles bit will stick.

It's a horrible idea, but i guess you could agree, then always refer to her as granny, until no one uses the charles bit anymore, its likely someone will tell her its weird anyway (and hopefully put her off) tell your dh to get off that fence, he must know its a rubbish idea, i also would suggest charles as middle name only for any ds you may have, and not at all if granny is granny charles.

Why does she have to be granny anything, can't she just be granny and your mother be grandma or some other granny equivilant.

It's a bit weird, but frankly, I couldn't get exercised over it.

Does she also like her letters addressed to Mrs. Charles Davenport? It's the same sort of thinking, and yes, it is sexist but that, surely is her issue as it doesn't really impact on you.

My exh's SIL always insisted on being address on envelope as Mrs huband's first name Smith. Would make me furious, but each to his/her own.

She sounds like hard work and frankly, pretty unpleasant. It's a rather stupid little thing; is it really worth having a battle over it? Leave her to it.

She is bstshit!

Very very odd.

DH on the fence.

That is your problem though.

If he just said-‘no way, mum-that’s bizarre and it’s just not happening!!’, you wouldn’t have a problem. Because he isn’t fussed and wants to keep the peace, you’ll be made out to be the unreasonable one.

She maybe needs some help - can your DH have a chat with her just to make sure she’s ok? Seems like a sort of cry for help.

That aside it wouldn’t bother me for kids to call her granny Charles - I think you’d attribute more meaning to the Charles part than the kids, so it won’t have any impact on them.

Interesting comments! There's always the chance that we will have another daughter, so who knows- I think I'll fight the DC Charles battle when/if it arises...

DH deals with the majority of the MIL issues to be honest so he does deserve credit for that. She's hard work but lives nearby and is alone so DH feels a lot of family obligation.

DD is just a baby so you're right- she may decide to call her grandmother something completely different.

Good to know it's not just me that finds it a tad grim though!

Give the first born boy (if you have one) Charles as his middle name. Don’t give in on that!

Smile and nod. If you going to go head to head with her why not make it about her racism/ misogyny etc. This name thing may be a good symbol if how bonkers she is, but it’s hardy the worst thing.
Ime the only thing you can do with people like that is to have low contact. They always have more energy to fight than everyone else, because their whole self view/ self worth somehow rests on it.

43Squirrelpeanutbutter

She is batshit!

This. Many times over.

She sounds awful but Granny Charles wouldn't bother me. I actually think it's quite a nice way of keeping FIL's memory alive to gdcs who never knew him. I've heard of other people doing it too so it doesn't strike me as something she has just made up out of thin air iyswim.