MIL wants DC to refer to her as deceased FIL's first name rather than her own

[LaBelleSauvage]

My MIL has announced that she wants to be known as "Granny Charles" (Charles being my deceased FILs first name) rather than "Granny" or "Granny Susan" (her first name) or "Granny Davenport" (their last name).

I never knew my FIL as he died some time before I met my husband. We have already agreed to name any first born son "Charles" to honour DH's father. I don't want my DD referring to her granny as granny 'deceased grandfather's name' as I find it sexist (she has her own name), morbid (he's her dead husband) and inappropriate (if we end up with a son also named Charles). DH on the fence.

I understand that she wants to keep him in memory but to me it feels uncomfortable.

For background, my MIL has form for being an interfering control freak and politically sits somewhere to the right of Mussolini with reference to women, immigration, race, the poor, etc, so I understand this may be colouring my view of whether this request in itself is unreasonable. So as not to drip feed, we have a strained relationship as I'm a working female doctor rather than a 'proper stay at home mother', I vote more liberally, and occasionally have felt obligated to call her out if she mentions 'the blacks' or indeed 'the jews'.

I would like her to pick a grandparent name (Gran/Grandma/Granny/Nan/whatever else) and either leave it at that or add in her own first or last name if she wishes.

So Mumsnet! Tell me: AIBU?

When our children were toddlers, FIL decided he wanted to to be called Pops rather than Grampy - which he had been named since their birth. Both our children's grandfather's were name Grampy X and Grampy Y. We were all puzzled by this as no one in our families have ever been called this and the children found it confusing. In the end we just ignored it, they carried on calling him Grampy X, although he carried on calling himself Pops. Now they are teenagers it seems even more odd.
I'd just refer to her as Granny.

Have Charles as a child's middle name

Put up a pic of gran and show dd the pic and call her what you like. She won't be able to give herself a name because other people use a name and that's how it's learnt. Grandma arsey if you fancy it.

What's weird about choosing what you want to be called? Pretty weird thing to dictate to someone. You say that your MiL is controlling and, well, you should know. But you trying to control this is wrong. It's not like she wants to be "mummy" or "Big Mom" or anything.

"Why would we call our son Charles? The only Charles we know married a racist, bigoted cunt. That's hardly an example we want to set for our dear little boy, is it?"

That is extremely odd.

That's bat crap crazy,
However I always thought it was odd when a grandparent demands to be called something in particular, my MIL did this but tbh as I don't enforce it my DC came out with a totally different name for her all on their own (unfortunately it was not Granny FuckFace #missedopportunity)

I don’t understand what makes people think they have the right to decide what other people call themselves. It’s not up to you or your husband, OP, she can call herself whatever she wants, she doesn’t need your permission.

I'd shrug and let her. A lot of people choose a twee grandparent name - this doesn't need to be any different really.

It's also the perfect excuse to change your mind on Charles for a boy. 'Oh we think now it's better it's the middle name - after all, now they think of you as Granny Charles it would be so silly wouldn't it! Like you're called after the baby!'

It wouldn't bother me, asking to name herself is nowhere near as bad as asking to name any male children you may have.

My Mum hates Granny and asked to be called Nanny, it didn't offend me at all.

Hi, all. Seems a few of you are concerned about OP identifying the in-laws in question - rest assured she's let us know that she has used pseudonyms.
As you were!

Ask her if she needs to tell you something. Charles is a male name.

Is it important? Whatever you settle on, it will be normal for your DC because they'll grow up with it.

Just deal with directly. If she mentions it just say - granny Charles? Are you being serious? That would be really weird, I don't think so. Then change the subject.

I would let her call herself whatever she likes. She sounds mad but people can ask to be called whatever they like and since dd doesn’t really call her anything yet she’s not enforcing a change on all of you.

One of my grandmothers was Grandma Suki which we never thought anything of. It occurs to me now this was the name of her dog who died long before we were old enough to remember her.

The other grandparents had normal names which we toddler-mangled and these mangled names stuck. Think Grandpa JeeVee for Grandpa Steven. He stayed Grandpa JeeVee for life. So there’s a high chance your children will do that.

I wouldn’t bother fighting this battle.

My nephews called their respective grandparents Grandma/grandpa (name of their dog). When my mums dog died, she then became known as grandma dead dog! (Entirely the boys' choice, but spread to the rest of the cousins.)
Just refer to her as Granny, and your DD will follow suit. Give any son you may have Charles as a middle name.

it is a loud NO from me OP.. she is weird

I had no idea the dog name thing was a... well, thing! My mother wanted to be known as Katy Nana, after the dog in Peter Pan, to my DC. If only we hadn't grown up in a culture where "YOU DOG" was a massively terrible insult then she might have encountered less resistance to us publicly naming her after one

It is honestly pretty weird, but if she wants to be granny Charles who cares?
It's a good reason not to use that name for your son if you'd rather not ("it may not be good for a boy to share a name with his grandma")
When your kids are older they'll ask granny why she has a man's name (assuming that they actually call her granny Charles and not something they themselves develop, which seems to happen a lot of the time IME). And then they'll think she's a bit bonkers, but she'll be their bonkers granny who they love so that'll be fine.

Odd request, but... Isn’t there some very old fashioned traditional stuff around this? Like when Fiona James marries Wiliam Kent, technically she becomes Mrs Wiliam Kent, not Mrs Fiona Kent. Or if a commoner called Jane marries Prince Arthur, she becomes Princess Arthur not Princess Jane. Perhaps Granny Charles is thinking of a tradtion like that

My DH has a ‘Grandma Dave’ - Dave was her son/DH’s uncle who lived with her. She didn’t ask to be called that, I think he just came up with it when little as a way of distinguishing the two grandmas, she was the one who had a Dave living with her.

I had a Big Nana and a Little Nana, coined by my eldest sister and we all just followed on.

Maybe your DD will end up calling her grannie racist?

It's bizarre of her, but if that's what she wants I think it's not a battle worth picking and you should go with it. You can explain why to the kids when they're older. My ILs refuse to be grandma and grandpa (or anything like) and that's their choice.

I absolutely would not call any future son Charles.

Nana is a common name like "grandma" I'm the UK.

I would call her Granny Charles. If you have a boy you can then say "Oh, sorry, we can't possibly call the baby Charles as the children will be confused as it's your name!" It's very weird. My Grandad wanted the great life grandchildren to call him Grampy. My eldest (first Great Grandchild) called him Grumpy and that was that!

Great Grandchildren. Where did the life come from?? 🤔🤔