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AIBU?

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 03/03/2020 17:51

Wow everyone's really tough on OP. Her Dad moved away with his new wife and so presumably didn't really do the regular Dad thing at all - EOW or any of that and she was excluded from family holidays. She was never really treated equally with his new children or made to feel part of the family. And now thinks her kids can call Jenny by her name not Granny - fair enough. Banning her from the house is pretty extreme and mean - she's clearly not welcome or loved unconditionally.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 03/03/2020 17:56

Why should she be loved unconditionally? You can't treat someone like shit and expect their husband and children to like you.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/03/2020 18:02

Banning her from the house is pretty extreme and mean - she's clearly not welcome or loved unconditionally.

Why should Jenny love her unconditionally? Or welcome her into her home when she is continually rude to her?She has every right to stop an adult woman who openly abuses her from entering her home where her young children live.

Her father is also entitled to make up his own mind on the behaviour of an adult woman. At 30 years of age the only person responsible for the OP, is the OP.

If she doesn't like the person she has turned into (always been?) then it's up to her to make the changes. Allowances would have been made for her "subtle shots" for long enough. But OP hasn't moved on from that. She still feels entitled, as an adult, to be rude when visiting her dad's house. At 30 years old that's unacceptable.

OP can continue on her self-absorbed path, (that can be excused as a teenager but wears thin into adulthood) if she wishes. But as others have pointed out, ultimately she will be the one losing out on a relationship with her family.

OP has passed the point of rescue though. She's unlikely to reflect on her behaviour and that of her mother's. It's much easier to blame the one person who has least blame in all of this. Because the alternative is to accept that her mother used her as a pawn and her father simply didn't care enough.

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 18:25

@Bouledeneige that's really not what happened.

saraclara · 03/03/2020 19:47

It's much easier to blame the one person who has least blame in all of this. Because the alternative is to accept that her mother used her as a pawn and her father simply didn't care enough.

Sums it up really. But unless she recognises this soon, the OP is going to destroy everything, and the baby that she plans will have no family to speak of, and a lot fewer people to love it.

xGAIAx · 03/03/2020 20:00

This thread is almost over and I'm sure you will be glad of it OP.

I wanted to come back on and say kudos for coming back to us with your updates, even although the majority of us are not in agreement with you, it couldn't have been easy to read at times.

I fear you have a difficult road ahead of you with this new resentment to add on top of all the others but you no longer have the weakest link in your family to direct it all at. It has to come out one way or another, whether it be someone else or turned inwards to yourself.

I wish you all the very best with the ivf and hope things work out well for you and your family.

BengalGal · 04/03/2020 19:20

OP stated the stepmother was not the other woman. They were divorced before he met her. Nevertheless the mom didn’t like her daughter spending time with them and was glad they moved.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 05/03/2020 01:43

Just finished reading the whole thread, and I see a lot of unhappiness here, from the OP to many of the posters. Families can be very supportive, or very toxic, or anywhere in between, and the effects are long lasting. Allow me to quote Phillip Larkin's (in)famous poem, and wish everybody peace and good luck on getting their emotions straighten out, especially OP dealing with so many re-awakened teenage hormones and misery as she goes through IVF while reliving all those unresolved family issues:

This Be The Verse by PHILIP LARKIN

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

leopardprintlara · 05/03/2020 09:58

I know exactly how you feel op. I have a stepmother who was awful and excluded me and my siblings for years in favour of her own dc. My dad allowed it and it was so hurtful. I have my own family now so it doesn't bother me but I understand why you have resentment for her and your father. All the chat about stepmum being part of your life for so long is Irrelevant if she was such a negative person in your life. Also

You can't treat someone like shit and expect their husband and children to like you.

It's not just someone's husband though is it? It's her Father, her flesh and blood.

She doesn't want you in her house? Well that will probably change once you have children and she realises she's being petty over a hypothetical remark.

I live far away from my parents now. We introduced my Dad's wife as 'granny Betty' but my sons always call her Betty as they rarely see her anyway. One said to her, "you're not my granny". My mum also tries to force her husband as 'grandad' on my dc but they call him Jim as they don't regard him to be a grandfather either. They cut through the bullshit quickly and decide for themselves to be honest. Good luck starting your own family, I wish you all the best.

Babytigerrr · 05/03/2020 10:13

I know exactly how you feel op. I have a stepmother who was awful and excluded me and my siblings for years in favour of her own dc

except this didnt happen to OP at all did it?

if she was such a negative person in your life

again, she wasn't.

phoenixrosehere · 05/03/2020 10:16

know exactly how you feel op. I have a stepmother who was awful and excluded me and my siblings for years in favour of her own dc. My dad allowed it and it was so hurtful. I have my own family now so it doesn't bother me but I understand why you have resentment for her and your father. All the chat about stepmum being part of your life for so long is Irrelevant if she was such a negative person in your life.

Did you read OP’s comments through the full thread?

Her stepmother was the opposite of yours. OP herself said they get along well and that she made subtle digs at her stepmother throughout her relationship. OP stated that she didn’t go with them because of her mum and her mum was glad that her father had moved away. When she could have gone with them, she chose to go with her mother instead and didn’t decide to go with them until she saw her much younger sisters being taken to Florida and then was upset that they (dad & stepmum) wouldn’t pay for her, despite her being an adult at the time. OP chose her mother while blaming her stepmother for her father not being with her. She placed a lot of blame on someone who doesn’t deserve it and is choosing to do so because they are not blood.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 05/03/2020 12:00

It's not just someone's husband though is it? It's her Father, her flesh and blood

Finest matter. She's an u please thank adult. He can be done with her.

Aderyn19 · 05/03/2020 12:27

If she's an unpleasant adult, it's because neither her father or mother have put her best interests first during her formative years. The father is to blame really for this situation - okay, the mother was happy to see the back of him and didn't encourage the relationship, but it was the father who moved away and did very little actual parenting,vehicle popping out more babies with his new wife. How about parenting the one he had? It's no wonder the OP is bitter and feels no love for her sm. SM might well be nice enough but you don't feel love for someone who you grow up thinking is a big part of the reason you didn't have a dad.
I think the dad can make himself feel better by siding with his wife and convincing himself that the OP is terrible, but the roots of all this are on him.

WhiteCat1704 · 05/03/2020 12:40

If she's an unpleasant adult, it's because neither her father or mother have put her best interests first during her formative years

That may be the case but once you grow up nobody cares. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your own behaviour as an adult. Whatever happened when you are a child in no excuse anymore.

OP needs to get herself into therapy or she will pass on her issues onto her children. As an adult you have to break the cycle or you will become your parents.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 05/03/2020 13:07

If she's an unpleasant adult, it's because neither her father or mother have put her best interests first during her formative years

By the time you get to 30 you can't blame your faults on other people. You have to own them. It's not their fault she's acting like a brat. And they don't have to put up with that anymore.

If I were her Dad I'd tell her to call me after she's apologised to SM. But not bother before.

sauvignonblancplz · 05/03/2020 13:23

I don’t think you can put an expiration date on trauma and how it affects you .
The OP does need to seek external help so that she can move forward happier and stronger not for anyone else’s benefit but her own.
It’s hard to feel valuable and loved when you’ve felt the opposite for a lot of your life.

friendineed · 05/03/2020 13:26

You were spiteful to exclude her.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 05/03/2020 13:29

But she is accountable for taking out her tantrum on the one blameless person. That's her fault.

sleepingpup · 05/03/2020 13:41

Sadly there are good reasons for OP acting like such an unpleasant adult - But she has a choice

Crack on as she is, stuck in the past and isolating herself from her family as she is doing now

Or

Make changes, get help, move on, look forward and look for new positive relationships with her family.

Forward or Back OP?

itsabitofamess · 05/03/2020 14:27

Actually op it is really pointed. You have let her know in no uncertain terms that she is not your family. Why should she have someone like you in her house. Why can't your hypothetical child have an additional grandparent. It's just a name and might have brought your family closer together. I was the younger step sibling in this situation. I don't want anything to do with my dads first kids either. For doing exactly the sort of shit you describe to my lovely mum. If she has been in your family for 17 years in the absence of a massive backstory where she locked you in a cupboard you are being a cow. And you know it. But it's backfired on you and your dad is standing up for his wife rather than you. As he should.

itsabitofamess · 05/03/2020 14:29

How old were you when they went on a family holiday and you didn't get an invite? Were you an adult? Because my parents went on plenty of holidays without me when I was an adult.

Lapetus · 05/03/2020 15:39

"In the simplest terms, bullying means one person, or group of persons, being deliberately cruel to another person or group, for any reason."

"adult bullies can be sly, subtle, and difficult to expose"

"Some are good at finding plausible excuses to justify their cruelty."

"a bully’s bad behaviour is entirely his or her responsibility.....no matter what the bully may tell you"

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/03/2020 18:01

. The father is to blame really for this situation - okay, the mother was happy to see the back of him and didn't encourage the relationship, but it was the father who moved away and did very little actual parenting,vehicle popping out more babies with his new wife. How about parenting the one he had?

This would be the father the OP chose not to see, and was allowed by her DM not to see him. He then moved away and despite the OP not wanting to see him he still came back to visit her. Then started paying for her to go down to see him in the holidays. She could have spent more time with him, she chose not to because she didn't want to upset her DM.

Aderyn19 · 05/03/2020 18:51

She was a child. Of course she didn't want to upset her primary carer, who for all her faults, didn't up and leave her to start a new family elsewhere.
The dad allowed this to happen and I think he can't wash his hands of responsibility. Childhood forms who we are as adults.

aSofaNearYou · 05/03/2020 20:11

@Aderyn19 OP was a teenager by the time she decided to cut contact with her father, so he would not have been able to force her to come. He had no choice but to allow it to happen. They cannot reasonably be held accountable for simply carrying on with their lives when she and her mother were making it impossible for them to see her more.