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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SM doesn’t want me in the house

999 replies

Eggandbeans · 29/02/2020 11:16

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 03/03/2020 10:54

Anyone who's been on Mumsnet for any period of time must surely know that posters will speak their minds if you do yourself, especially on AIBU. This is mild compared to what you get on some threads. What's happening here isn't bullying, it's just that they're sticking to their guns.

If it gets to you as much as it appears to Flower1994, then maybe AIBU threads are not for you?

MNHQ
GloriaMumsnet · 03/03/2020 11:02

Hi everyone, can we please remind everyone to stay within the guidelines? We'd really like to get this thread back on track to help the OP with their original query.

SnoozyLou · 03/03/2020 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SnoozyLou · 03/03/2020 11:09

Cross posted - sorry! If you want to delete that.

MNHQ
GloriaMumsnet · 03/03/2020 11:15

Thanks @SnoozyLou Star

Ontheverge96 · 03/03/2020 11:36

@BeatItBarry @Babytigerrr @Mittens030869
Like I said each to their own that’s just my opinion. I do also see adoptive parents differently their your children regardless of blood that’s not the point I’m making, you earned the right the be their mother when you took them in and gave them a life. I don’t see my step parents as my children’s grandparents because their only bound to them by marriage, neither of them brought me up. My children rarely see my stepmother she’s never even met my youngest so giving her a title of grandma/nana would be ridiculous. Stepfather does play a very large part in my daughters lives and if when their older they call him grandad that’s really not a problem. My stepfathers never had a problem with them calling him by his first name either, his own grandchildren don’t call him grandad either they gave him a made up name and he’s also happy with that.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 12:26

don’t see my step parents as my children’s grandparents because their only bound to them by marriage, neither of them brought me up

but its nothing to do with that is it, its how they act towards your children that matters. Not you.

Presumably you dont have any In laws at all then? or any respect for your own husband since you're only bound by marriage?

Mittens030869 · 03/03/2020 12:31

@Ontheverge96

I can see why you wouldn't consider your stepmum as having a grandparent role towards your DC, that's dry clear. But the OP's stepmum would be expecting to see a lot of the OP's DC if her IVF is a success. It's obviously a big thing for her to visit her DF and sisters (even if she wishes that her stepmum wasn't there).

Ontheverge96 · 03/03/2020 12:32

@babytigerrr not that I have to answer to you but I do have a partner and in-laws and guess what his mams partner gets called by his first name too! I don’t really know what your hoping to get from this I have my opinion you have yours. There’s really no need to drag this out any longer.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 12:34

@ontheverge96 have i touched a nerve?

but your in laws are nothing to you, right? because you're only bound my marriage.

And your husband - well he's not your blood relative either soooo

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 03/03/2020 12:50

Like you, OP, I have never seen my dad alone - for 37 years. My parents had an amicable divorce and my dad moved away to remarry. He has since been divorced again. He has been married to a very nice lady since I was 19. She is lovely to the kids but doesn't really know them well. We also only see them a couple of times a year because of distance. My kids do call her Gran but that is for my dad's sake. I see her as my dad's wife and not my step-mother.

My Mum's husband helps with the kids, does DIY for me etc and he is a very involved part of my family. There's a difference there.

strawberrylipgloss · 03/03/2020 12:55

My main issue now is that my Dad is going along with me not being able to visit them. I guess I thought things with him wouldn’t change. I guess this way I’ll get him to myself when I see him though....sure I’ll get flamed for that one!

It's sad that your mum has fucked you up so badly and kept you an adolescent mentally and emotionally.

I have Aspergers and can see very clearly that your SM is a kind person who tried her best. You're older than she was when she became a SM. How easy would you find it to bond with a 13yo girl and take care of her? Not many people in their early 20s would be selfless enough to invest the time and effort into a stepchild yet its staggering that you feel nothing. Even the coldest person would normally class someone who behaved like her as a friend. It's very telling that she wants an apology for upsetting her and not for bestowing grandma on her.

When you're a parent you invest so much time and worry in a person who has no clue how much energy you spend on them until they become a parent themself. I bet that your relationship with your Dad is thanks to a lot of effort on her behalf and behind the scenes she was the one pushing him to invite you round etc and that without her you'd highly likely be one of the many thousands who has had no contact with their Dad in years. You don't expect recognition for the effort you put in as a parent (much less so if you're a stepparent) but I think she'd love to know the stories about you noticing the effort she put in like messaging between visits, treating her like an equal, long chats etc. You and her were put together due to circumstance but she tried to be a good friendly adult in your life unlike your mother (who presumably would be called granny) yet shat all over your emotional development as a teen and tried to end your relationship with your father, I know which adult I'd want in my child's life.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 13:03

My DD will view my partner's brother's wife as Auntie X, I think for a lot of people it is odd to draw dividing lines when it comes to family that aren't mum and dad, because it is quite usual for kids to refer to people that are only related to them through marriage by the same terms they would their blood relations, when it comes to the wider family.

Whether or not you agree with that is ultimately irrelevant compared to the real problem, which is that it wasn't in any way a necessary conversation to have at this point in time and yet it was important enough a dividing line to OP that she felt it was necessary to make a point of it. The separation of her parents and subsequent blending family is obviously a big deal to OP, but it simply won't matter to her children if she has them. My mum's parents had an acrimonious divorce and I had a step grandparent from both of them, and whilst it interested me because it was my first exposure to the concept of divorce, it didn't bother me or upset me. Why would it? It was in the past, it wasn't important to me that my mum's parents had divorced way back when.

OPs SM has been dealing with the fallout of her husband's divorce for years through OPs disdain and resentment, it was probably very annoying for her to see plain as day through OPs attitude on this subject, that she had every intention of dragging that part of her life on through the next generation. She had probably been counting down the years until that animosity wasn't a prevalent part of her life anymore, because it was all water under the bridge and there were no immature children left to be upset about it and direct their anger at her. She most likely decided to just give in and check out of having a relationship with OPs future kids, rather than go through another couple of decades of being blamed for her husband and his ex's separation and parental failings.

DishingOutDone · 03/03/2020 13:24

How easy would you find it to bond with a 13yo girl and take care of her? Not many people in their early 20s would be selfless enough to invest the time and effort into a stepchild yet its staggering that you feel nothing - that's an interesting idea, so 13 year olds finding themselves in that position really need to be grateful to the adults involved do they?

I posted early on in this thread staggered at the double standards - when SMs post they are struggling with relationships with their teenage SDCs they are rightly told its up to them to make an effort help that child feel comfortable in the situation. Now apparently they are selfless martyrs and their step kids should be prostrate with gratitude!

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 13:26

i dont think anyones saying they should be grateful but just pointing out that step parenting is hard. Especially when you're only young yourself!

and tbf step mothers usually are pretty hard done by so..

Hellohellohi · 03/03/2020 13:33

@babytigger
Step parenting may be hard but sm chose by marrying a man with a kid didn’t she ?

@strawberrylipgloss
If early 20s isn’t old enough to step parent / bond shouldn’t people think about this ? In my opinion the adult should always been responsible for everything not a 13 year old child

darkhall · 03/03/2020 13:34

OP said early on that she 14 when they first went on holiday without her so I'm failing to understand why so many people are acting like she was an adult at the time.

There's also a strange sidestepping of the fact that the stepmum was apparently very early 20s when OP was 13, which is an uncomfortable situation, especially in addition to the divorce, the dad and stepmum moving away, and excluding OP from holidays.

Without knowing why the IVF conversation even came up it's impossible to say that OP was being hateful and spiteful on purpose. It's possible she was but given everything else we know I think it's quite a leap to assume she's just some "immature brat who was brainwashed by her mother and needs professional help" or what have you.

Whether you think OP needs to apologise or not, demanding she apologise right now even when she doesn't want to won't help anything and in fact might hurt.

OP, you should probably take a break from your dad and stepmum and family for a while, and consider your dad's role in a lot of what happened, and think hard about where you want the family relationship to go from here. Do you even want a relationship? Are you willing to be civil and polite to your stepmum in order to have a relationship with your dad? Can you talk to your dad about what happened when you were young?

Really you need to start dealing with some of that before even thinking about what you will hypothetically call Jenny if you have children.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 13:37

Step parenting may be hard but sm chose by marrying a man with a kid didn’t she

she did, that doesn't however mean its fair game to treat her (or any SM) like shite for the hell of it, does it?

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 13:38

OP said early on that she 14 when they first went on holiday without her so I'm failing to understand why so many people are acting like she was an adult at the time

ops time frame is bollocks. Her dad got with SM when she was 13, but was taking 3 toddler/baby siblings on hol without her at 14?

Kirkman · 03/03/2020 13:45

OP said early on that she 14 when they first went on holiday without her so I'm failing to understand why so many people are acting like she was an adult at the time.

Because she was 13 when they met and the family holidays included the other siblings. So she cant have been 14.

Without knowing why the IVF conversation even came up it's impossible to say that OP was being hateful and spiteful on purpose.

If you upset someone and dont mean to, you would be sorry for upsetting them. Even if you stand by your point. It's not really a leap when you add that the SM is being blamed for things that are her mum and dads fault.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/03/2020 13:47

Wise post strawberrylipgloss.

Mittens030869 · 03/03/2020 13:48

@aSofaNearYou

I agree with you. I don't consider my BIL and SIL's DC as any less my nieces and nephews than my DSis and DBL's DC. All of them are my DDs' cousins after all.

If the OP has DC through IVF, at some point her half sisters will start calling the OP's stepmum Granny/Grandma/Nana. Then the OP's DC will want to call her that too.

That's what happened with my DSis's DSS. He ended up calling my DM 'Granny'. Because ultimately it will be the DC who decide what they call the OP's SM.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/03/2020 13:51

In my opinion the adult should always been responsible for everything not a 13 year old child

Surely that logic now also applies to the 30 year old OP? By her own admission she takes subtle shots at her SM regularly and it sounds like this is the first time the SM has reacted not when she was 13 or 14 but when she's a grown ass woman who should know better

xGAIAx · 03/03/2020 13:56

@darkhall It has been mentioned a few times that the OP couldn't possibly have been 14 when they first went away on holiday without her, her own account and timeline makes her much older.

SM came on the scene when she was 13, they couldn't possibly take her half sibs away without her when she was 14. I think this is important as it is possible the OP was an adult by the time this first holiday happened.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 13:58

I posted early on in this thread staggered at the double standards - when SMs post they are struggling with relationships with their teenage SDCs they are rightly told its up to them to make an effort help that child feel comfortable in the situation. Now apparently they are selfless martyrs and their step kids should be prostrate with gratitude!

Good grief. SP threads are generally divisive, not a one sided, unanimous "the adult should be responsible for everything" like you have said. Many people do believe (as I do) that a step parent who is kind and patient with their step child IS selfless (and obviously making an effort), and generally pretty hard done by as well. There is absolutely a limit on how much flack a perfectly polite step parent should have to soak up from their step child, so no they are not "responsible for everything", and "rightly" put in their place. But allowances are generally made when the step child is still young. It's interesting that you think the adult should always be responsible regardless of how kind they are and how rude the child is being in response, and yet OP is now older than SM was when they met. Where is OPs adult responsibility now?