SM doesn’t want me in the house

[Eggandbeans]

I am nearly 30 and I’ve had a SM since I was 13. She wasn’t the OW and we always got on pretty well. I have 3 half sisters who I love but I don’t feel much for my SM. She’s always been good to me but as with any family there are things that I’ve resented, like when they go on a family holiday and I don’t get an invite. I’ve not rocked the boat but being honest I have maybe made a few subtle shots at her for it. I’d have liked to be closer to my DD and DSs but they moved to Cornwall before my DSs were born and I live in Kent near my DM and her family. I used to enjoy the “holidays” down to stay with them but as I got older I felt pushed aside and that I ultimately missed out because of the geography of it all.

Now my SM and I have had a little spat - she says it’s my fault and I don’t see it as overly important but she is very upset with me. My DD is trying to mediate but has now said that I can’t stay in the house anymore and he will have to meet up with me elsewhere. This has shocked me because I thought that whatever went on with me and SM wouldn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my Dd and DSs. Aibu?

I think it's natural that if someone hasn't felt like a mother to you then they don't feel like a grandmother either. And she maybe was very kind and made an effort with you but you don't feel as much part of their family as your sisters. It's understandable that your SM would feel hurt but this - but this could be because of the way it was said. Maybe you should apologise for hurting her feelings, even just for your dad's' sake.

@Babytigerrr no not really I just don’t have the time to engage in petty squabbles with keyboard warriors, we all have opinions.

OP said early on that she 14 when they first went on holiday without her so I'm failing to understand why so many people are acting like she was an adult at the time.

There were camping trips when the half-sisters were young. OP declined to join them and was fine with that as she went on holiday with her mum. The holiday that she wanted to go on was when she was mid-20s and was to Florida.

@aSofaNearYou - It's interesting that you think the adult should always be responsible - always, every time. That's non negotiable - adults are responsible, NOT children. You can't "adultify" a 13 year old. But christ knows how you think the same thing applies between two adults ....

I've just seen that @aSofaNearYou is not the only person to totally twist the idea that as adults are responsible then somehow that applies to the OP now being responsible for the SM?!

FFS of course adults are entirely responsible to have a duty of care to the child in an adult:child situation - talk about disingenuous!

If early 20s isn’t old enough to step parent / bond shouldn’t people think about this ? In my opinion the adult should always been responsible for everything not a 13 year old child

I don't think it's too young to step parent. My point was that the stepmum was young but did a better job than many older women would have. Most women don't have experience of kids before they have their own and it sounds like stepmum put in a lot of effort.
The 13yo child doesn't have responsibilities but the OP is now 29 and usually people can look back at the past and see a different perspective. I totally understand why 13yo OP would be angry that Dad moved away. I totally understand why teen OP would be jealous of her half-sisters having Dad around all of her time. I understand why 13yo would project her anger on SM.

OP's posts don't suggest that she understands now that her parents (especially her mum) are the ones that she should direct her anger at. OP is still thinking like a teenager and treating SM as a barrier to a good relationship with her Dad when evidence suggests otherwise. I understand a teen digging their heels in and saying that a stepparent means nothing but OP listed lots of thoughtful things that the SM did when she was younger and logically as a 29yo looking back she should feel something yet she's digging in her heels and won't apologize that SM is upset. Dad and SM are only asking for that- not a reversal of the grandma decision.

always, every time. That's non negotiable - adults are responsible, NOT children.

So if say OP had hit her SM unprovoked, it would be the SM who was responsible? Teenagers are responsible for their own actions, we just make a certain degree of allowances about them because they are still developing. It doesn't mean what they're doing can never be wrong or is somebody else's fault.

You can't "adultify" a 13 year old. But christ knows how you think the same thing applies between two adults ....

"Adultifying" a 13 year old occurs when they grow up and become an adult. OP upsetting her SM occurred when she was an adult and had been for over ten years. Therefore yes I do think it is ridiculous to say the SM should be blamed by default for anything OP does on one basis that she was once a child whilst SM was an adult. She's not a child anymore, they are both equally responsible for their own behaviour as adults.

OP said they married when she was 13, not that dad and SM met when she was that age. If she was only just 13 when they married, it's possible that they had a couple of kids close together before OP turned 15. They may even have had DC before getting married, although I think OP would have mentioned it if that was the case.

Now that she's an adult and hoping to be a mum herself, she does need to start thinking and acting like an adult. Of course she'll feel resentment over some things it she's old enough not to be PA and not to make subtle shots at her stepmum.

I feel resentment towards my DM because she didn't know that my DSis and I were being sexually abused by our F. She wasn't able to relate to us emotionally and she used to snack us.

I feel the resentment but I don't express it. She's devastated about it as it is and she's 80 years old. As an adult, I can also see that she was vulnerable, having been orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by the uncle who became her guardian. I can also see that my F was very controlling towards her and emotionally abusive.

I would also, like the OP, be blaming the wrong person, the blame lies squarely with my F. Making my DM the scapegoat wouldn't change the past either.

Adults need to learn to have self control.

@Ontheverge96 lol keyboard warrior. Is that what they call having a differing opinion these days?

OP has been asked the age difference between her and her eldest sister but hasn't answered.

She could have been 14/15 before first baby was born. 16/17 before the camping holidays (that she didn't want to go on) were a thing.

It seems the stepmother here DID take on responsibility.
She was always good to OP
She would text and call between access visits when the dad didn't bother.
She brought OP out, treated her well.
Looked after her.

The stepmother didn't do anything wrong.

OP just didn't like her, because her mother actively discouraged her from liking her. Not because of anything due did, but simply because she existed.

Stepmother did nothing wrong.

OP, as a child, didn't really know any better. OP as a 30 year old woman, trying to become a mother herself, SHOULD know better. But is stuck being a petulant teenager.

What happens if you have a little girl and your dad is more interested in her than he is you. Will you be jealous of your own baby?

They may even have had DC before getting married

The OP tells us that they didn't have any children until after they moved to Cornwall. As far as I can remember, OP cut contact with them for quite some time, they moved away and she was devastated when she found out SM was pregnant with her first child, a girl, so no multiple births either.

I only stick with this age discrepancy because I really do get the impression that the OP deliberately lied about what age she was when all 5 of them took off camping without her. Posters will be far more sympathetic when they imagine a 14yr old sitting all alone while DF, SM, Sibs 1, 2 and 3 lord it up in a tent somewhere. I can't shift the feeling it's manipulative. Of course I could be wrong but something isn't right with this whole story.

The OP may have lied there, it's true. And also, as has been pointed out earlier in the thread, her DF might have run it past her DM and she might have said no.

DF might have run it past her DM and she might have said no

I can see the DM definitely saying no to the DF if the OP had been 14 but if she was 18/19, which is more likely, I would be more inclined to think the reason she wasn't bothered about going camping with 3 under 5s is because....well, she's 18/19, why would she.

However a 25yr old jetting off to Florida, well that's a whole different story.

If she was an older teenager, say 17/18, I can't imagine many girls that age wanting to go camping with toddlers. And the impression I got was that the OP wasn't bothered as she had holidays with her DM. So they're not really relevant, although she might feel looking back that she missed out.

She's said that it's the holiday in Florida that she was really upset about, not the camping holidays.

Your dad doesn't sound great OP. Leaving your family for another woman, moving to Cornwall, never including you in family holidays (some parents invite their adult DC, even though according to some on here, you stop having parents as soon as you turn 18). He has put himself in a very comfortable position as he can now claim to be offended on your SM's behalf. I think there's a lot of unresolved anger in your life.

I'd actually get this thread moved to Relationships, as you'd get a more balanced discussion, some people are on here are particularly frustrated and bitter (they would be even more horrible if it was your SM writing, can you imagine the other woman turned stepmum complaining?)

As for calling her Grandma, why is this issue coming up now? It's not a problem yet, so put ot aside for the time being. Good luck with IVF, I hope it works.

That's true, it probably is irrelevant but the deception is very telling.

she might feel looking back that she missed out.

Yes, you're right, she did say it wasn't until she was older, post Florida that the resentment started and she began bullying SM because of it.

Such a sad situation for everyone involved tbh, there are no winners in this story.

Not sure why the OP is getting flamed on here. I know a friend of DH who has SM who happen to be the OW. His kids call her Susan (not her real name) and she's okay with it. Call her Auntie or whatever, doesn't surely make it better or worst. And, if I ever separated, I'd still invite children from my first marriage on family events and wouldn't move away. Surely most of parents want to be involved in their parenting? Especially as I read on here how much parenting teens need (mine are little)

some parents invite their adult DC, even though according to some on here, you stop having parents as soon as you turn 18

She was in her mid 20s and told that she was welcome to come if she paid her way. The siblings are at school so are obviously paid for.

The stepmum wasn't the OW, the OP made that clear in her opening post. And her DM was happy when he relocated to Cornwall.

Have you read OP's updates Peggy?
Her mum made it difficult for Dad to be involved and dripped poison in OP's ear so she couldn't enjoy her time with SM and Dad. She was manipulated by her mum to the extent that she couldn't spend Xmas with Dad.
I think that if OP had mentioned her parents being crap then she wouldn't be so flamed.

The OP has also said that she's never spent Christmas with her dad and stepmum because she didn't want to upset her DM. This isn't a case of a man abandoning his family for an OW.

I feel sympathy towards the fact that the OP has been so fucked up by her mum's bitterness that she hasn't properly bonded with SM and enjoyed the kindness that she showed her over the years. I also feel sad that she felt that she couldn't ask to spend Christmas in Cornwall because she felt she had to emotionally protect her mum.

@strawberrylipgloss no sorry, didn't have the time to go through the whole thread. Yes, I suppose OP has some unresolved anger or grudge or similar and would be helpful to sort that out. WRT the Granny thing I don't even think it's worth discussing it, it's just too early. No drama needed. The child might even decide to call their parents by name after all. I'm sure the comments calling her names or saying she's too immature for children are helpful though.

@Babytigerrr no it’s to pick an un needed argument. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion ours are different, get over it it’s not that big of a deal.