Not allowed to play with my dd - talk to the mum?

[ellieboolou33]

Dd is 7, struggled with friendship issues since nursery and recently discharged from CAMHS awaiting a diagnosis for high functioning asd.

She can say mean and inappropriate things at times, a bit socially awkward and doesn't make friends easily.

For the past few weeks dd has been playing with a girl in her class (been in same class with this girl for 3.5 years now) but came home yesterday saying girls mum told her friend she's not allowed to play with my dd.

I went to talk to teacher as sometimes dd doesn't get things right. Teacher confirmed girl was crying that she wanted to play with my dd but wasn't allowed as her mum said.

I'm so upset as if there was a problem I'd have liked to have been informed. Teacher said they had an argument a few weeks back but it was resolved and I wasn't aware of any of this.

I really want to speak to the mum but I'm a bit wary as she's in a "clique" they all sit together, and I don't want a playground spat. I had noticed the mum was offish, not smiling etc but didn't think much of it.

Teacher said she can't really say anything but told both girls they can play with who they like as long as no bullying involved.

AIBU to ask mum what the issues are?

YANBU. It's the grown up thing to do. You don't have to have a spat. Just stay calm and you should be able to sort it out.

I wouldn’t bother if I was you. The mum sounds childish, you won’t be dealing with someone who you’re likely to get a positive response from unfortunately.

Hopefully the girls will just listen to their teacher instead and be friends again. I find kids with parents like that often turn into kids/teens that cause lots of drama, bitchiness etc and your daughter may be better without this in the longer term.

Does your daughter have other friends? It’s awful having to watch them be so upset.

I probably wouldn’t tbh. You more than likely won’t get the outcome or response you are hoping for and will leave feeling even worse than you do now.

She’s either being a bitch, or has valid reasons for not wanting her DD to be around yours. Neither will make you feel good.

A similar situation happened to me and I was pretty sure it wasn't anything my dd had done, it was just a bunch of weird mums being cliquey. I never said anything to them. I don't regret it. There are lots of ppl in the world and not being our friends is their great loss!

She can say mean and inappropriate things at times,

Is the answer likely in this?

I would speak to the other mum yes. Since the girls have been playing together and the teacher confirmed the other girl wanted to play with your DD. I would want to know her reasons, you sound pretty aware of your DD’s issues friendship wise (my dd is similar) so you won’t be shocked if it turns out your DD has done something to put the other mum off and you might be able to explain/put it in context to the other mum. You’d also be able to say that her dd wanted to play with yours according to the teacher.

She can say mean and inappropriate things at times

I'm sorry but this is probably why. DC repeat things they've heard and if this girl has heard something inappropriate from your DD and repeated it at home, telling her DM where she heard it, then it's no surprise she's unhappy.

I wouldn't say anything, as AgentPrentiss says, you won't like the answer.

@GothamProtector I'm not sure as usually if it's really bad (rarely) the teacher would speak to me, she'll say things like, "I dont want to play with you as your ugly" usually when she's not being included in the play time or I hate you, tings along those lines.

Alas I think I'll avoid talking to the mum, she can be very fiery, just bemused as to why, teacher thought it odd too.

Thanks all for replying

That's really truly vile.

That little girl very well may have gone home sobbing to her mother. I to would've told her no more.

This would be the time to tell your child that actions have consequences. She was a bully. And people don't want to be friends with a bully.

@ViciousJackdaw not liking the answer is not what I'm worried about, it's about knowing the reasons.

Maybe it would help to talk it through. I find it really helpful to know when other kids have ASD etc. Helps interpret their behaviour, and not take things personally.

@GothamProtector yes it's not nice, as I said my dd has ASD so at times she can be challenging and say horrible things. She is not "truly vile" but thanks for your input.

I never said she was vile her words were vile. That can't be argued. And the fact she has ASD doesn't mean this child has to be abused.

Most children say mean and inappropriate things at times, they have no filter.

The teacher said the children are free to play with whoever they like so I'd leave it at that. The girl's mum may have taken something said to heart but she'll get over it, children fall out and are playing together again in a day or so.

They all know she has asd. When I say inappropriate I mean she'll say something completely off topic, so if they are playing dancing she'll star taking about books. The nasty stuff comes when she's pushed out (for being strange)

As I said teacher said dd and other girl have been playing really nice together for several weeks, other girl was crying as she WANTED to play with my dd but her mum had said she's not allowed

Does the other mum know your daughter likely has ASD? If not and as you’ve now explained the type of thing your daughter may have said, then I probably would just ask to have a quick word with her. Hope it all works out.

Cross post, as the mum already knows about the asd, I’d just leave it then.

Really truly vile?!

From a 7 year old, who likely has asd. ?!?!

You must walk around the world completely horrified if that (one 7 year old who is being left out, calling another 7 year old ugly/telling them they hate them) is ‘really truly vile’

One (or even two!) offence(s)is also not a bully.

Get a grip.

Op if Dd has said something inappropriate, mum may be unhappy.
But perhaps if you were comfortable explaining the situation she may understand that your child is not simply rude.

However, I’d be inclined to let it play out and see if the kids just decide to be friends anyway, whilst encouraging DD to also make other friends. (And also working on holding back on calling other kids names etc)

@GothamProtector like I said thanks for your input but my dd is not "abusing" this girl, they want to play together and mum has said no and I don't know why! I do speak to dd about bullying, you are taking it out of context.

@Lynda07 yes, agree! If dd had said / done anything awful I'd like to know so I can deal with it but the teacher says they play well together.

Sorry x post re the asd. I’d just not bother in that case!

Why bother name changing when you've just started a thread?! So annoying.

Anyway. It is a horrible thing to say. The girls feelings don't get unhurt because of a diagnosis.

And children sometimes want to do things that may hurt them. They want to be friends with people who hurt them.
If this mother has repeatedly had to comfort her upset daughter then she would be within her rights to tell her to stay away.

Abused!

Good lord gotham go outside, speak to some people, see if you can get yourself back into reality

Nobody is thinking that the affect that those words could have on this child.

They could be causing serious damage.

@Fizzlestix thank you, you'd think with all the books I've read, courses I've attended etc on how to help kids makes friends I'd have cracked it by now

Dd is also very sensitive and has very low confidence so this has really confused her.

Thank you

@GothamProtector I started a thread on 30 days only but posted again with my usual name on here to get more traffic - now, you've been very helpful but I'll be taking advice from others now. Thanks