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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not allowed to play with my dd - talk to the mum?

94 replies

ellieboolou33 · 28/02/2020 00:21

Dd is 7, struggled with friendship issues since nursery and recently discharged from CAMHS awaiting a diagnosis for high functioning asd.

She can say mean and inappropriate things at times, a bit socially awkward and doesn't make friends easily.

For the past few weeks dd has been playing with a girl in her class (been in same class with this girl for 3.5 years now) but came home yesterday saying girls mum told her friend she's not allowed to play with my dd.

I went to talk to teacher as sometimes dd doesn't get things right. Teacher confirmed girl was crying that she wanted to play with my dd but wasn't allowed as her mum said.

I'm so upset as if there was a problem I'd have liked to have been informed. Teacher said they had an argument a few weeks back but it was resolved and I wasn't aware of any of this.

I really want to speak to the mum but I'm a bit wary as she's in a "clique" they all sit together, and I don't want a playground spat. I had noticed the mum was offish, not smiling etc but didn't think much of it.

Teacher said she can't really say anything but told both girls they can play with who they like as long as no bullying involved.

AIBU to ask mum what the issues are?

OP posts:

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2020 14:26

I’m afraid I’m guilty of saying “stay away from her/him then” to my dc’s in the past when they’ve had problems with a particular child.
If the little girl is upset that she can’t play with your dd though it suggests she still wants to be friends. The child will probably just learn not to tell her mother things that are bothering her..

dustibooks · 28/02/2020 14:29

If I were that other mum, then it would make a big difference if I knew that your dd was awaiting an asd diagnosis. If I knew there was a genuine reason for the behaviour and your dd wasn't being deliberately unpleasant, then I would be fine about the friendship (and would explain to my dd in an age-appropriate way).

MumofTinies · 28/02/2020 14:41

I have also been this mum. This little boy in DS1's class was being so nasty to him that it was putting him off school. If this boy's mum were to come up to me making him out to be the victim because I had told him to stay away then I wouldn't be too impressed to be honest.

PepePig · 28/02/2020 14:47

If your child has a history for saying unkind things, the likelihood is that that's what's happened here. At the end of the day, every parent has to prioritise their own. If a child was being nasty to mine, diagnosis or not, I'd be encouraging her to stay away. Nothing is worth my child's confidence being knocked and her happiness suffering. It's also not on my child to be a punch bag for other children's issues.

It's harsh, but there you have it. You need to work with your daughter to improve on things- it isn't down to little Jessie to be wore into the ground so your kid has a friend to play with.

Obviously, however, if nothing like that has happened then you need to accept that X's mum doesn't like your child and to encourage her to find other friendships. Clubs etc can be good for this.

ittakes2 · 28/02/2020 14:56

I think everyone is different but as a parent I found it helpful when other parents would explain their child has SEN needs. In reception when my son was 4 years old, another boy who he was playing with who had sensory SEN needs started to kick him. The mum explained that it was because her son liked my son so much and he was feeling frustrated when he saw my son play with other people. I was a bit surprised but even at 4 my son understood this - he made some allowances although they were never best friends it was not a case of he was told to stay away from him so they still played together sometimes. I must confess if the mother had not explained this to me and my son, I might have assumed this boy was being a bully and suggested he stayed away from him.

Beautiful3 · 28/02/2020 14:57

My daughter had a friend who said mean things to her and called her names when they fell out. I have told her, not to play with this girl again, as I was fed up with the tears during recounting the day with x. The other mum is right to tell her child, dont play with x if shes being mean to her! Sounds like you're taking it too personally. Just let it go. You daughter will play with another child and learn from this e.g. not to be mean if she wants to keep friends.

Cheeseontoast4 · 28/02/2020 15:07

I’ve had my son on the receiving end of being the child 2 others weren’t allowed to play with . 5 years later my sons popular and happy - my advice would be to work on your sons own skills and to widen friendship opportunities through play dates and clubs . Do not worry about the other mums - children ultimately decide who their friends are ... my son still doesn’t get invited by either boys parents to any parties etc ... but he is very close friends with one Of the boyS especially ... why ? Because he’s good fun and he’s a good kind friend !

Brazi103 · 28/02/2020 15:20

If your child is saying mean and inappropriate things I'm sure the other mum isnt doing anything wrong. In fact I have done the same thing recently. Told my son not to play with another boy who says horrible things to other children. I'm not interested in whether this boy has issues or not, I'm interested in my ds coming home crying because he actually believes the horrible things that's being said.
And if there was an incident recently maybe that's exactly why the other mother feels the way she does.
For the teacher to mention no bullying, maybe it was something to do with that.

cowfacemonkey · 28/02/2020 15:25

I think the only thing you can really do is work with your DD to help her socially. Use social stories to help her understand how what she says affects other people and their feelings towards her (Social Detective is quite good for this). Build on her skills to protect her from this in the future and I would imagine there is a good chance this will blow over with the other child.

TheLowry · 28/02/2020 15:27

I had a call from a mum saying my DS was bullying hers. I got the details from her, spoke to my DS (he was about 6) and he confessed to the whole thing. We had a long conversation and put some appropriate sanctions in place. I called the mum back, thanked her for letting me know, told her we had dealt with it and asked her to get in touch if it ever happened again. The boys were back to being mates within a few days and my DS (to the best of my knowledge) never did anything like that again.
So maybe if you contact the mum and ask her what your DD has done to upset her or her DD, you could resolve it. But only do that if you are willing to listen openly and not react to whatever you hear.

Devlesko · 28/02/2020 15:32

You know what the issue is, the mum doesn't like your dd and doesn't want hers to play with yours.
You have to leave it as most of us have to in this situation.
My ds 2 has aspergers, grown up now, but there were parents like this back then, even more so as not as much was known about asd.
You speaking to her will just make it worse and you may alienate your child from other children, just leave it and encourage your child to play with other children.

lazylinguist · 28/02/2020 15:32

OP, if your dd came home and told you another child was saying unkind and inappropriate things to her, wouldn't you tell her to stop playing with that child? I think most parents would tbh. All you can do is help your child with social skills and liaise with the school to make sure they are also doing so.

Molly2017 · 28/02/2020 15:33

Tbh I have asked my DD to stay away from another child at school. Because the child is repeatedly mean to her but my DD desperately wants to be her friend.
The analogy ‘kicking a puppy’ springs to mind.
I’m pretty sure the other mum has no idea but it’s not serious enough to mention, I just keep reiterating to my DD that there are plenty of other nice children to play with in her class.
I’d encourage your child to play with others.

LordOfTheWhys · 28/02/2020 15:48

ime parents who are part of a clique want their DCs to play together. I don't think there is any point speaking to the other mum. The DCs play happily at school. It's for the other girl to go back to her mum and ask if she can play with your DC or for the teacher to speak to the other mum if the girl is getting upset.

Unsureconfused46 · 28/02/2020 16:20

@gothamprotector

MimiLaRue · 28/02/2020 17:10

OP, if your dd came home and told you another child was saying unkind and inappropriate things to her, wouldn't you tell her to stop playing with that child

Of course they would. Any parent would. Theres no need to call this other woman a "bitch" as some people have until we know exactly what happened. A child has a right not to continue being friends with someone who has been mean or unkind to them. That applies to everyone, not just kids with SEN.

ChickLitLover · 28/02/2020 17:38

A child has a right not to continue being friends with someone who has been mean or unkind to them. That applies to everyone, not just kids with SEN.

But the girl was crying because she did want to play with OPs daughter. If the girl herself didn’t want to then obviously she shouldn’t be made to.

Also at the moment there’s nothing to say OPs daughter has said anything mean or inappropriate to this girl.

Wtfdoipick · 28/02/2020 22:25

But the girl was crying because she did want to play with OPs daughter. If the girl herself didn’t want to then obviously she shouldn’t be made to.

my daughter is very emphatic which is why the other one was able to manipulate her so easily so yes she probably would cry in that situation but those tears would be less damaging than the long term harm this girl was doing to her.

Purpletigers · 28/02/2020 23:24

There’s a boy in my son’s class who my son actively avoids. I never told him to avoid him but tbh I’m very proud that he has the common sense at such a young age to understand the type of people to actively avoid .

Your situation is different in that you don’t know what was said . I would approach the parent but be willing to accept that you may not like what she has to say . I do feel sympathy for all the children in mainstream education who expect to be treated well regardless of their behaviour, it just doesn’t happen in the real world . Children are just too damn honest about who they do or don’t like.

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