Not allowed to play with my dd - talk to the mum?

[ellieboolou33]

Dd is 7, struggled with friendship issues since nursery and recently discharged from CAMHS awaiting a diagnosis for high functioning asd.

She can say mean and inappropriate things at times, a bit socially awkward and doesn't make friends easily.

For the past few weeks dd has been playing with a girl in her class (been in same class with this girl for 3.5 years now) but came home yesterday saying girls mum told her friend she's not allowed to play with my dd.

I went to talk to teacher as sometimes dd doesn't get things right. Teacher confirmed girl was crying that she wanted to play with my dd but wasn't allowed as her mum said.

I'm so upset as if there was a problem I'd have liked to have been informed. Teacher said they had an argument a few weeks back but it was resolved and I wasn't aware of any of this.

I really want to speak to the mum but I'm a bit wary as she's in a "clique" they all sit together, and I don't want a playground spat. I had noticed the mum was offish, not smiling etc but didn't think much of it.

Teacher said she can't really say anything but told both girls they can play with who they like as long as no bullying involved.

AIBU to ask mum what the issues are?

I have a child with ASD and a husband with it. It doesn’t excuse saying mean or inappropriate things. It just doesn’t. Mom doesn’t want her kid playing with yours. Probably because of the inappropriate things being said.Nothing wrong with that. I’ve forbidden my children from playing with kids who have said inappropriate things. Doesn’t matter what my kid wanted. They were inappropriate to be around so they weren’t allowed to be around them. The diagnosis doesn’t excuse it. As an Aspie mom I don’t understand the entitlement that because my kid has a diagnosis other kids should be made,forced or allowed to be friends with them. And yes my own kid has had struggles with friendships due to humming and clicking his teeth

Thank you @Leaannb you've managed to say what I wanted to far more eloquently.

I would follow this up with the mother.

I had a little girl say similar to my daughter (she told my daughter that her mum had said she couldn't come to her party because she had been rude) and when I asked the other mum to find out what had happened she hadn't said it at all.

She was very upset with her daughter and made her apologise.

@Leaannb I'm not excusing or using her asd as an excuse, I'd just like to know the reasons why so I can discuss with dd / teacher, how can I deal with a situation if I didn't know there was one.

Please read my post, nowhere does it say dd has said anything mean / inappropriate to this girl, she can say mean / inappropriate things,

If I am not told there is an issue serious enough for a parent to instruct their child to not play with my dd, how can I resolve / improve the situation.

It doesn’t excuse saying mean or inappropriate things

But it can explain saying those mean or inappropriate things. As a parent, you get to know the children who have things like autism or ADHD and I’ve always taught my kids to show a little more understanding to these children when they possibly do things which are inappropriate etc.

I do also agree though that if your child has been mean to the other child then unfortunately if the other mum has said it then it is a natural reaction.

I know I have told my own daughter not to play with other children for similar reasons, not in order to exclude other children but rather to avoid my own child continually being picked on by children who have a tendency to either say or do mean things.

This is in school so obviously as they spend so much time together I'd rather try and find a resolution.

Totally agree @StoppinBy i am exactly the same, what dd and I am confused about is dd hasn't been mean to this girls, teacher said they play horses at break times and skipping

If you’re sure she hasn’t been mean to the other girl, I’d definitely not bother speaking to the other mum. Maybe she only wants her daughter to play with the children whose mums are in her little clique. Horrible for her daughter and yours but if that’s the case the best thing you can do is try to help your daughter with her confidence and building new friendships. Does she have any other friends you could invite over after school?

I know you think she hasn't said anything mean but what was the reason for their falling out? If you feel able to do it I would approach the mother in a non confrontational way and just ask about it and explain how your daughter struggles. Just because the other mum is aware of the ASD doesn't mean she understands what that really means and how it makes your daughter react. It sounds like this other little girl is sensitive if she is crying because she wants to play with your daughter and can't and if your daughter has said something to her because she felt hurt such as "your ugly" it could really have wounded her and so her mother's reaction was to say "stay away from her" because like you she wants to protect her daughter from hurtful situations. It also may not even be something she said to this other girl but something 'mean' she has said to another child that this girl has reported back to her mum which may have triggered something in the mum to say "stay away".

@ChickLitLover yes she has other friends so I encourage play dates etc. All the mums in the clique have girls that play outside of school together.

Will ask the teacher to monitor and I best get some sleep now as I've got to face the school gates clique tomorrow (but won't mention to the mum).

@Icecreamsoda99 not sure what the fall out was over, teacher didn't say.

All i know is, as a parent, If a child had done / said something that was bad enough for me to ban my child from playing with them at school, the teacher would be aware of it so they could tell the parent, or at least advise them.

@survivingdad yes I agree the mum should have soke to the teacher, which is why I think it is worth asking the mum about it, the mum might have said "if she says mean things don't play with her" meaning when your daughter say something mean she shouldn't play with her at that time, but the little girl has taken this as an outright ban which may not be what the mum meant at all. Also as a former TA I think it's a bit of a cop out that the teacher is saying she can't ask the other parent about it, it's creating upset in the class and some minor investigation by her or the TA (if there is one) may help resolve the matter or at least make the situation clear.

@Icecreamsoda99 thank you, I'm unable to sleep for worrying about it, it was actually the TA I spoke with today as she is the one often outside. She said there is not much she can do as it happened out of school but this happened in school, I'll speak to the class teacher tomorrow as if I'm honest the mum intimidated me a little.

Thanks for your advice -can't believe I'm still awake worrying 🙄

Intimidates! Really going to sleep now

@survivingdad I really feel for you and hope you can get some sleep soon. Hopefully your daughter is sleeping peacefully and this can all be resolved very soon.

The one time I told my DD to avoid another child was because the child was bullying DD in a low-key way...not a way that would be noticed by teachers.

She was controlling her basically. Is that a possibility OP?

@FortunesFave it could be, but dd has never really played with this girl before. The girl has lots of confidence and a solid circle of friends which are very well established, the teachers have alway monitored dd as she's always been an outsider.

I'd not be upset with the mum if this was the case, I can't fix what I don't know is broken. The girls mum is not the shy and retiring type.

Feel a bit better having posted and discussed it, will see how things develop over the next few days.

I thought you were going to sleep ! 🤣 Bless you, Ive had numerous nights lying awake stressing about my kids and friendship issues. It’s so hard when you can’t make everything okay for them. My eldest is 16 now and I’m awake worrying about something going on with him...he’s fast asleep...🙄🤣

Hope you manage to get some rest. If I don’t sleep soon I’m thinking of getting up and doing some ironing. 😬

How about inviting other children that your DD might mention to you in conversation, to your house for tea? One at a time though.

Ask the child’s mother about allergies and what are her really favourite foods, and specifically cook/buy those. Make it a really fun time so that the child wants to come back. Then other children will want to come too.

Make sure that their play is really heavily supervised at all times so that you can watch and learn more about your DD’s interactions with the invited child. You’ll then be able to intercept quickly, tactfully and carefully, and deal with any problems that arise quickly before it becomes an issue that could be ‘fed’ back to the mother as a negative experience.

This is also when playing with dolls is actually a very useful ‘tool’ too. Children do actually play out different scenarios in their lives using the dolls as part of their natural play and work out in their minds how to deal with different situations. It would be well worth sitting on the floor and actually playing with your DD and her dolls to give you an insight too. Maybe ask her to play out things that happen in the playground that day, to give you a deeper insight. Then talk about different ways that would be more appropriate/better/sensitive/etc.

As for clique mother’s, in my experience, it’s best too steer well clear of them. Chances are the other mother will become very defensive and make the situation a whole lot worse, making the negative ‘issue’ public. It’s one thing for people to know that your DD has ASD, but not child fall outs, which are ten a penny, as other people will then become more weary about their own children. Especially if invited to yours.

Remember that she’s only seven as well. So very young and so much to learn.

GothamProtector
There's absolutely no need to be so unpleasant to the OP.
She's looking for advice following some 7 year old playground squabbles. There's no need for some of the things you've said.

OP I don't think anything good will come from speaking to the mum. Most likely her DC has come up home upset following an entirely standard primary child playground fallout a couple of times and rather than remember children are friends, fall out and are friends again within 24 hours, has decided that her child isn't to play with yours.

Personally, the mum would have been better talking to the school about it so they can keep an eye and teach/reinforce positive social interactions. Unless there's been a significant issue then banning a child from playing with a friend was only going to upset them.

With your DD, keep an open dialogue with school and ask to be informed of any social issues or inappropriate comments. That way you're in the loop and have a clear picture.

I’ve had an issue with a mother at dds school. Basically dds absolute bestie ( a sort of love affair bestie) was told to stop playing with her by her mother. This was from a misunderstanding of what happened at my house on a play date. As a result the girl literally stopped speaking to her for 6 months. The friendship never recovered and they are no longer friends.

Dd was in yr1 and 5 at the time. The girl also told the other children they couldn’t play with her if they played with dd. For reasons unknown another mother also stopped having play dates with her and started play dates with this other girl. Perhaps the other mother said something to her. In any case, the original mother is part of the clique and the other one very highly strung. Dd was very very upset and lonely at school as a result. It deeply affected her mental health.

We were consulting a child psychologist at the time. Dd wasn’t coping with having a very ill mummy. She was very controlling with me as a coping mechanism and bossy with her friends. The psychologist advised us to get dd involved in out of school activities to meet up with other children her own age. She suggested rainbows. This upped dds confidence but as an active child, she was quickly bored. At that stage, beavers would have been better but I didn’t know they accepted girls and the waiting list was massive when I did. I then got her involved in a number of out of school activities. It helped in that I have a friend with a child the same age at at differ therefore school and dd just tagged along with him as she wouldn’t go to anything, where she knew no one. That was swimming and judo. And horse riding, which dd had already started.

This filled in the gap now that dates with school children stopped and we saw the out of school friend a couple of times a week. Then I got talking to a nice and not cliquey mum at pick up of a girl dd liked. We set up play dates and they became good friends. Dd was welcomed into her group and she played and became friends with her friends. At the same time the girls from her original group bar her former bestie started to play with her again. So she suddenly had friends again.

Dds out of school activities gave her a massive confidence boost. We spent time down the riding stables as she was horse obsessed and she befriended older children, learnt about the horses etc. Dd could go and get a brush / tack etc. She also made friends at swimming and judo - not for play dates. But friends at the activities. The child psychologist was also really helpful. And the mum, who I befriended was also a godsend.

Dd is 11 and at secondary. now and It took many years for her to get over the pain and stop hankering to spend time with her. I am now so so glad they are no longer friends. Having your child be friends with cliquey, bitchy mums is stressful. Dd is still friends with the dd of the second mum. She was in periphery of the clique when dd was rejected. She has since been spat out She’s still an uptight mother and can be abrupt / unkind. One day out of the blue when dd was in yr 6 dd was invited to her house for tea. Play dates and sleepovers commenced. I’ve told dd to be on her best behaviour there. I think she has some kind of additional needs, which have warranted me speaking to her dad about after a play date as what happened at my house would be pretty catastrophic at someone else’s in terms of street cred.

I am sorry you and your dd are struggling. A parent absolutely cannot forbid their child to play with another on school property. The school is in loco parentis. I would see how things play out today. If the girls still aren’t playing together, I would be writing to the class teacher. It doesn’t seem as if she is handling it very proactively. Be careful how you approach it though. I would go from the angle that your dd is distressed at not playing with her friend. She is also finding it very distressing to see her friend so upset and she is confused when the school is telling her she can play with the girl, but the girl isn’t playing. You want your dd to her a positive experience at school and this is affecting x, y and z behaviours at home (my dd stopped caring about her appearance, hair brushing, bathing etc). If your dd is struggling to go to school because of this (my dd got close to school refusing), I would talk about this in terms of not wanting her to become a school refuser. Also talk about the effect on her mental health and the excluding of a child with suspected additional needs. Ask the class teacher to assist to set up a plan in the playground to help your dd to play with other children and ensure she isn’t left on her own.

Much as I would want to add that you think the school should talk to the mother as the child is distressed, I wouldn’t do this in writing. I’d see how it all plays out and ask for a meeting after school in a weeks time to see how your dd is getting along and discuss that one face to face if needed.

I’d also get your dd involved in some extra curricular activities so she’s super busy, meets more kids and doesn’t have so much time to worry about her friend and school.

we went through similar with DC. My experience is sometimes navigating other school parents and their nonsense is harder than actually raising the children 😁.

First of all, your DD's DX is nobody else's business, especially not some random playground mum. One of my DC is HFASD and these children can be the most honest, loyal and kindly people, they're quirky individuals with a lot of qualities but they fuck up just like everyone else, thats kids for you. You have sussed this mother as fiery and cliquey, these are the type who will be busy judging every single child theirs comes into contact with, don't assume its just yours although I know you'll be especially sensitive to that. Over the years you may well notice that when their own DC is at fault they simply can't see it.

Its standard for DC to have spats one minute then are happily playing the next but if you question the mother it won't blow over in the same way, and you're potentially stuck around this crowd for several more years.

I'd swerve the mother apart from saying a brief 'good morning', no good comes of trying to talk to the playground mum clique about anything deeper than the weather IME. It takes time but you will get to know which parents you can talk to about issues and which you can't and IME this type definitely do not react well to perceived criticism of their parenting decisions, there's every chance she'll deny it. Either way you'll give her something to gossip about with her clique.

Any problems always talk to the school and ignore the rest, they're just background noise. Focus instead on widening DD's friendship circle via activities outside school and help her find something she loves to do.

I suspect your DD has said something completely out of line and the girl has gone home to tell her Mother. If the Mother is unaware your DD has ASD then she will have been shocked and naturally wanted to protect her DD from anything further.

I can understand her perspective really. I have told my DD’s to stay away from people who have been malicious towards them in the past, I don’t think this makes me a bad person just a protective Mother.

I don’t get involved with playground cliques fwiw, I just turn up on time to drop and pick up and leave as quickly as I can. It’s not even worth the time getting involved, it’s like being in high school all over again.