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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my child out in the cold

479 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 10:00

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

OP posts:
JustInCaseCakeHappens · 27/02/2020 11:29

I’d have given her the coco pops

I would think that if someone doesn't want to give sugary stuff in the morning, they wouldn't buy the damn coco pops in the first place....

mantarays · 27/02/2020 11:30

So would you just be late for work or not get your work done over a tantruming child?

Before I took her outside in just a vest in zero degree conditions? Yes. 100%.

HoneyBee03 · 27/02/2020 11:30

YANBU!! The other woman sounds like a judgemental cow. You just did what the situation required and a toddler absolutely can throw a strop for that long and leave you feeling quite helpless. I'd have done the same.

PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 11:31

All I can say is my child’s school would have raised this as a concern. But they are hot on safe guarding and this would ring alarm bells. 3 year olds don’t get to make the rules. It could paint a bigger picture that the op is struggling. I have a 2 year old and like I said there is no way I would take her out like that.

Lllot5 · 27/02/2020 11:31

I’d given her the coco pops.
Me three.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 11:31

And am I right, OP, in saying you work from home? Are you self-employed? So late to nursery = frustration but not actually being late for work? Not a disciplinary or the sack?

crosspelican · 27/02/2020 11:31

All I can assume is that a child is being manhandled. Which is going to hurt. But being hurt deliberately by a parent is better than being cold. Just to show who's boss I guess.

No, it’s not to show who’s boss, it’s to be a parent who needs to dress her child and get out the door. The OP would still be sitting in her hallway if she had waited for her child to understand that coco pops weren’t on offer and that a coat is needed on a day like today. We manhandle screaming babies in and out of nappies and onesies all the time without this pearl-clutching, surely?

Damntheman · 27/02/2020 11:32

Giving a tantruming child the cocopops (or whatever it is that they wanted) is certainly one way to make sure the tantrums happen again the next time they want cocopops at an inappropriate time. Yep. great parenting!

mantarays · 27/02/2020 11:34

I probably wouldn’t have given the coco pops. But I would have “manhandled” her into her clothes. Full fleece body suit, strapped in buggy so she can’t get it off. She’s not that big.

Alsohuman · 27/02/2020 11:35

they want cocopops at an inappropriate time

I thought coco pops were a breakfast cereal, in what way is the time not appropriate? If you don’t want your kid to have them, don’t buy them. Easy. Good parenting isn’t constant battles.

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 11:36

Lol, are you all saying that I shouldn't have any treats around because then my daughter will want to eat them? Does this mean I shouldn't keep chocolate in the house either, on the off chance she will demand this instead of normal breakfast?

The Coco Pops are for the weekend. She needed to eat breakfast at nursery today (though she didn't, because she made us very late, and she wouldn't take the banana I gave her when we arrived there).

@mantarays She consistently makes me late by having tantrums in the morning. I could have allowed this again but I realised I am not doing myself any favours by not making it clear that getting out the door in the morning is a clear boundary and necessity.

I actually need to do quite thinking intensive work today and the whole episode upset me so much that I don't have much focus. I am an employee and have both deadlines and contractual hours. I can work from home sometimes.

OP posts:
discoballz · 27/02/2020 11:37

Some people really don't know what it's like to have a difficult child.

I was one of those smug parents tutting at tantrummy children. Then I had a stroppy one myself.

Solidarity.

mantarays · 27/02/2020 11:39

I realised I am not doing myself any favours by not making it clear that getting out the door in the morning is a clear boundary and necessity.

What you did was abusive, not setting a boundary. You didn’t put your child’s needs (for basic warmth) before your own needs. I’m horrified by your “lol” as well.

You need to give your attitude to parenting some serious thought.

Neverender · 27/02/2020 11:39

I wouldn't tolerate my three year old making me late for work - ever.

Alsohuman · 27/02/2020 11:41

How do you expect a two year old to understand that chocolate cereal is fine one day and not another? Parenting is about consistency. If the stuff’s in the cupboard and she sees it, she’s going to want it. She doesn’t even understand the concept of weekends, let alone know what day of the week it is. Just don’t buy it.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 27/02/2020 11:42

Lol, are you all saying that I shouldn't have any treats around because then my daughter will want to eat them? Does this mean I shouldn't keep chocolate in the house either, on the off chance she will demand this instead of normal breakfast?

ahem yes Confused

Your child is 3. It's easy to understand that chocolate is a treat, and not given for breakfast. End of.
Breakfast cereals not given for breakfast on the other hand...

If you then end up in this ridiculous situation, don't buy coco pops. At least be consistent, kids are very bright and we should give them more credit, but yours is still only 3....

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 11:42

@mantarays you're horrified because I laughed at the idea that I shouldn't give in when my child demands a treat?

She was always going to calm down and let me put the coat on.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 27/02/2020 11:42

Oh please. I have an child with autism. I know what difficult is much more than the op. Believe me. My child isn’t 3 though. She is almost 9 and tantrums like a 3 year old. There is no a chance in hell I would take her out without a coat in the snow. Don’t assume that people don’t know what it’s like. We just have different ideas of what is acceptable.

millymollymoomoo · 27/02/2020 11:43

Meh, my kids when younger would refuse coats and go and play in snow in t shirts. Soon come in when cold!
Couple minute outside in a vest while having a tantrum..... total non issue

Alsohuman · 27/02/2020 11:43

She was always going to calm down and let me put the coat on

But she didn’t, did she? Otherwise you wouldn’t have taken her out in a vest.

Original poster
tantrumingcoldchild · 27/02/2020 11:44

@JustInCaseCakeHappens The issue wasn't the Coco Pops. It's that she needed to have breakfast at nursery. I made it clear that she wasn't eating breakfast at home. She can't just eat breakfast at home whenever she feels like it because this takes time that can't be spared. I can't do anything about the fact that she sometimes eats breakfast at home and sometimes at nursery.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 27/02/2020 11:44

I'm laughing at posters who think you can manhandle a tantruming child into a coat. I'd have lost my front teeth if I'd tried that with DS. He used to jump up and down and wriggle even on the days he was cooperating.

AMomHasNoName · 27/02/2020 11:44

Your DD sounds like mine OP. And if my DD was having a tantrum. As she often does.
( sometimes they also last an hour!) There's absolutely no way she would have kept her clothes and coat on . No matter how many times i would have redressed her , Until she had calmed down . I would have done what you did ( and I have).

mantarays · 27/02/2020 11:44

I’m horrified at your attitude throughout the thread. You don’t seem to realise why this woman quite reasonably got angry with you, or that yes, your child’s safety comes before your work. Etc.

Anyway, starting to wonder if you’re having us all on. I’ve never seen anyone do something like this.

grudieabbey · 27/02/2020 11:45

Everyone was unreasonable here lol. I wouldn’t have taken my child out like that - you’re the responsible one here, not her. However, the woman who verbally attacked you was out of line. I think it’s good for people to ‘check in’. I would hope someone would question a child safety issue - maybe you were having a breakdown, maybe the child needed safeguarding. I mean look at the situation - this weather and a child dressed like yours! That said, a nice and friendly word ‘oh goodness, did she refuse to her dressed? It’s freezing. Maybe you should try again to put the coat on - I know how hard it can be!’ rather than ‘crazy bitch’.