to take my child out in the cold

[tantrumingcoldchild]

Name changed for this!

I was trying to get my 3 year old daughter to nursery by 8 am for breakfast and so that I can get on with a big work project. She had a massive strop because she wanted to have Coco Pops at home. The general tantruming lasted almost an hour.

I finally forced her into her buggy (not something I normally do), but she ripped off her sweatshirt in the process and she was only in her vest. I attempted to put her coat on over her backwards but she angrily flung it off.

Knowing that she would quickly tire of the cold, I started the 7 minute walk to nursery. There was some very light snowy rain, just a few drops here and there. A woman saw me leaving my building with my daughter flailing around and screaming in her vest, and glared at me. She had a child with her.

When I was halfway down the block, the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing. I explained that she was having a temper tantrum and I needed to work. I said that I was going to put her coat on her when she calmed down.

The woman insisted that this wasn't good enough and continued to berate me, saying it was horrible not to dress my child. I explained that my daughter had taken her clothes off and showed her the sweatshirt and coat which were ready and waiting.

She shouted at me some more and called me a crazy bitch. I asked her what she would do if she were going to get sacked for being late (this is theoretical, as I am not going to get sacked but I do need to work and I want my daughter to understand that there are boundaries and consequences. I let her make me late way too often). She told me that she would rather lose her job than take her child out in the cold and then yelled at me some more. I lost my temper and shouted back at her and she eventually left.

My daughter was quite upset. She asked if the lady was not nice to me. I explained that the woman was angry with me for not making my daughter wear her clothes in the cold. Then my original plan came to fruition: my daughter agreed to put her top and coat on, I hugged her and said I loved her, and we walked to nursery together.

So, was I unreasonable to take my daughter out in a vest when she was having a horrible temper tantrum?

Haha, success try a German winter sometime. I swear there are whole gangs of grannies paid by the state to wander around town centres criticising mothers for not dressing their babies warmly enough.

I do not think you acted wrongly in taking your child out as she was.

I do not think you should have engaged with the nosy woman though and certainly not have got into a shouting match with her.

Your DD will have learned two things this morning: when Mum says it is cold and I need a coat, she is right; it is OK to shout at people.

As a teenager I was walking home from school with one of those weird robot babies designed to put you off pregnancy. A woman told me off for not putting a hat on it

OP you are doing your best, being a single parent, getting your child to nursery and working at the same time. Your DD will be absolutely fine, and will start wearing her coat more often now she knows she will get cold otherwise. You allow children to explore and make their own experiences, better than pinning them on the floor.

Some people seem to think they're effective though.

That’s because for a lot of people, they are effective. For some, like yourself, they are not. Maybe OP or anyone else reading will think, actually I haven’t tried that, and will try it and find it does work for them too. Mine don’t actyally work towards a final reward, mine just want to choose and wear the sticker so the instant gratification is there from doing the task required.

I’m shocked at the amount of people who think it’s okay to take a small child out in their vest in the rain/snow because “if they’re not going to listen and do as they’re told, they’ll have to learn the hard way”. We are talking about a toddler - it’s irrelevant how strong willed they are. If they’re having a tantrum, then you just have to ride it out and be late for work. You can’t just shove the child in a pram and walk them in that weather. Good for the lady who said something as I’m sure she was just looking out for the welfare of the poor child in question. It drives me mad to see people pushing babies with no socks on in the winter, or without a hat on.

The OP didn't say the reason was to "learn the hard way" though, she hoped her daughter would soon feel a bit cold and want her coat back on that she just took off.

And her daughter isn't a baby but a toddler, huge difference.

And it's not that cold in the UK, seriously, a toddler isn't going to be harmed by being a bit cold.

it’s irrelevant how strong willed they are. If they’re having a tantrum, then you just have to ride it out and be late for work

And what if that means you'll be sacked from your job?

I'm shocked at the amount of people who don't understand that:

a. some jobs you just can't be late to, if you want to keep your job

b. in many families, keeping your job is a higher priority than indulging a tantrum

(Speaking as someone who's terrible at time keeping and massively inclined to indulge my DC. But this is the reality of work. Some people just don't seem to get this).

@Mamato2gorgeousboys
But it driving you mad isn't a reason to do it. It's not about you.
Don't think either of my kids have ever worn a hat for longer than 90 seconds.

And no, you don't have to ride it out and be late for work. They learn by feeling the effects of their choices for themselves. It's really not that much of a drama, they realise they feel cold and put said item on if they want. Or not in the case of some children.

I don't understand why it makes YOU mad that someone else doesn't mind not having a hat on when it's cold

Apart from feeling cold what on earth do you think is going to happen to them?

@Mamato2gorgeousboys for most jobs, „just being late” is not an option. how would you feel if your appointment anywhere would be cancelled because the person decided to come in late because of a tantrum??
plus we are in the uk, not siberia. its chilly, not cold.

@Juliette20 I didn’t say that was the reasoning of the Op, I just said I was shocked that there were numerous replies implying that this considered acceptable.

I also referenced that the Op had a toddler in my post - I didn’t say it was a baby.

@everybodypuuuuulllll I’m not saying it is acceptable to be late to work. However, I would rather be late than take my toddler out in the rain and snow in just a vest. If tantruming before leaving the house was the norm, then I would leave myself more time in the morning.

@wishywashy6 My post seems to have hit a nerve with you and you seem to have taken it personally. If I say something drives me mad, then it is my opinion.

If you choose to not dress your children appropriately for the weather i.e. a hat in cold / snowy weather then that is your problem. It will only be your children who suffer if they get ill. The reason “it drives me mad” is that as a parent, you should know better and it is your responsibility to take care of your children.

I am not prepared to enter a debate on this matter, I have merely stated my opinion. From your previous post, I know your opinion on what is considered acceptable or unacceptable is different - which is fine.

@myself2020 of course I wouldn’t be impressed if my appointment was cancelled for that reason. However, I still wouldn’t take my toddler out in the rain and snow in a vest. I just wouldn’t do it.

@Mamato2gorgeousboys you're missing the point, if being late meant losing your job, your ability to feed and clothe and provide for your child then you'd still rather be late?

I think the point is that we'd all rather have endless time to deal with a tantrum, but some of us just haven't!

@spongejack I’m not missing the point. If I had a job that meant that if I was ever late, I would get fired then I would be making sure that I leave myself enough time to deal with anything unexpected that arises - be it a tantrum, traffic, car breaking down etc.

@Mamato2gorgeousboys really and arrive two hours early every morning, just in case your car broke down, just in case the traffic was bad, just in case your child had a tantrum?

I really don't think so!

I think in reality @Mamato2gorgeousboys you'd say, no time for a tantrum and get out of the house ASAP!

This thread has brought back some memories.
From a baby one of mine hated clothes. Was that baby/toddler/child you would see totally ill-dressed for the weather. Especially in winter. Socks never on, blankets wouldn't stay on, footmuffs, coats, clothes. Like gloves socks had to be fastened together. Great until he was able to use the toilet!!
Even now in his twenties, he wears sliders, shorts and t-shirts in the snow. Clothes make him too warm and he finds a lot of them uncomfortable.

I'm not saying any other children are going to grow up like this. Just made me laugh, remembering that first trip, walking past seeing someone else deal with trying to keep my toddler dressed

@spongejack I’m not suggesting getting to work two hours early. A lot of people leave themselves a little extra time in the morning to ensure they’re not late. 15/20 mins is enough to take into account a bit of extra traffic, missing a bus, defrosting the car among other things. That should be enough time for a tantrum too.

The Op could just have been having one of those mornings where nothing went to plan. She made a decision which was challenged by a nosey neighbour and then asked Aibu. However, my opinion on this is still - under no circumstances would I take my toddler out dressed in a vest in the rain and snow in the middle of winter.

@Mamato2gorgeousboys not personally no. I guess it just 'drives me mad' when people stick their nose in when they don't know what they're talking about. I don't dress them inappropriately, I trust them to decide for themselves when they need an extra layer.
They're not going to get ill from being a bit cold, germs breed in warm stuffy conditions.
They've made it to 10 and 7 without getting ill so I'll keep risking it

And again I say @Mamato2gorgeousboys how would losing your job be better than letting your child be cold for a few minutes?

Under no circumstances would I lose my livelihood for a tantrum, it would be ridiculous to do that. Obviously!

There’s not a chance I’d have allowed an hour long tantrum about it

Ah, yes, all OP had to do was tell her daughter that she wasn't allowed to have a tantrum and that would have solved it. Don't know why she didn't think of that.

the woman came back and asked me angrily if I had seen the weather and what my child was wearing

OP, there is an easy solution to this. Next time someone angrily asks you stupid questions about what your child is doing/wearing, just say this: "fuck off and leave me alone, you stupid, nosey twat". Then carry on about your business. Sorted!

I do also think that people don't understand children have different body temperature sometimes. My child was one of these who wouldn't wear a coat sometimes. She's always been warm blooded. She's in year one and still will sometimes choose to not wear a coat in the winter, at times not even a jumper. Sometimes people will comment (that I know, not in a nasty way). I know she doesn't feel the cold when I do. I think other people can't comprehend it sometimes